Monday, January 25, 2016
I open my bedroom door and am hit in the face with something so rank that I want to shove tampons up my nose as I launch myself out of my bedroom window. Who cares that I am two stories up and haven't taken off the screen first. Everything in me is screaming, "Noooooo!! Run!!! Far, far away!!!" There are some days when big girl pants aren't big enough and I don't want to be the adult anymore.
I have to get Levi off to school. The bus is coming in a half hour so I have to get him breakfast, feed him, dress him, get his teeth brushed, make him lunch, and to do this, I must venture forth where ever the smell is emanating from! At this point, it is so vile I am surprised that radiation or nuclear alarms haven't gone off in the city.
With nose covered and eyes watering, I descend the stairs into the living room and am confronted with the source. Cinder. The big black Labradoodle is whimpering in her kennel and there is carnage everywhere. She has gotten sick and diarrheaed in her kennel and if it is possible for a 60 pound dog to stand on her tipsy toes in the farthest corner trying to get away from death, she is doing it. I will give her credit. She did do her darnedest to keep away and out of the mess but how one keeps out of the mess of an obvious explosion is beyond me and quite impossible. We're not talking a little squelchy drivel or squirt here. We're talking someone put Mentos in a Coke bottle and shook it up and let it rip!
How in the world am I supposed to carry and get this behemoth of a dog up into the bathroom to get her cleaned up, never mind the kennel mess and REALLY???? This had to happen in the winter so I can't just haul everything out into the yard and hose it all off??? And did I mention that the bus is coming in a half hour and I have to get Levi on it??
I get the dog up into the tub and scrub her down and then promptly leave her in the bathroom. She wants to know what in the world she did to deserve a time out and I am wishing I could have a time out. I get Levi up and scramble through his morning routine all the while trying to answer Levi's question as to why it smells so bad, why the mess is still sitting there, why haven't I cleaned it up??? Because it smells so bad!!!
"Be grateful kid, you get to get on a bus and leave this mess"!
Levi finally is on the bus and I continue to detox the house and carpet. Hours, yes, hours later, it is finally done.
Two things. I literally went to hell this morning and I didn't cuss once!! I am so proud of myself! I thought it and I was close and I wanted to!!! But, I didn't. I think the fumes got to me because I still don't know how I managed that what with it being such a crappy morning and all........
And second, I have never been so grateful for a nose full of boogers in all my life! Woke up with a nose that needed honking and I tell you what! I kept those things lodged good and tight all morning until after the mess was cleaned up and THEN, I honked my snoz!
Other than babies and toddlers, who knew boogers could be a beautiful thing!?
Hey! When you're in a war, you take what ever you can to fight back!!! Don't judge!
P.S. I'm going to go and take a bath now and celebrate boogers, not cussing, and essential oils I can diffuse and get rid of radioactive smells!
Saturday, January 23, 2016
I do not like perfume. Much. When I walk in the mall and those lovely people try to give me a sample I'm one of those that scurries over to the other side averting my eyes. Please don't spray me! The stuff gives me a headache and to me, it smells something awful. Usually. I don't like strong floral smells and perfume has this, this....... I don't know, SMELL! I just don't like! It's strong and it's not pleasing to me. So, I don't normally wear perfume!
About a week or so ago, I was in the mall in the store, "Sephora". No, I wasn't lost. Believe it or not, I was actually there on purpose! I know! Me, in a store that sells make-up and beauty products. Go figure. But alas, there I was buying some stuff for my daughter........see??? You thought I was there for me......... anyway, I was paying for the stuff I was buying and the cashier slipped in some samples into my bag . When I got home and looked, I noticed one was this little tiny vile of perfume!
Huh. Do I dare? Sure! I'd already gone to a beauty supply store, I was feeling reckless and brave so I sprayed the stuff and gave a sniff. Hmm. Felt my forehead. Am I feeling okay? I sprayed and then sniffed again. Is this possible?? Have I actually found a perfume that I like? I sprayed some on my neck and went searching for The Scout Master. Found him busy at work and leaned in waving my hands around my neck because I learned that whole, "whiff thing" in Chemistry class back in High School. You don't smell-sniff, you whiff. You take your hands and direct what ever it is you are trying to get up your snuffleupagus and you whiff. So, I'm trying to help The Scout Master whiff and he's looking at me puzzled. "Whiff"! I tell him as I am waving my hands in front of his face with my neck extended. "What do you think"?
I think he thinks that this is yet more proof that crazy reaches all sorts of levels. Still puzzled, I have to explain to him that I've tried on perfume which makes his eyes bug out as he knows how I feel about perfume. I ask him what he thinks of the scent and does he like it because I really really like this one. It isn't strong. It isn't flowery. It's subtle. I like it!! The SM's response isn't very encouraging. The perfume is okay he guesses but in typical man fashion he says it isn't his favorite but if I like it, he'll learn to like it because he'll associate it with me. Good. Cuz I like it!
I wear it all week. I am so excited about this tiny little vile that I don't want to waste even one tiny spritz. I make sure it is positioned just so before I spray it because heaven forbid I should spray and miss my neck and hit the wall behind me. I'd have to turn around and rub my neck all over the wall to try and transfer and can you imagine how that would look to The SM if he caught me?? "What in the world are you doing??" "Hellooooo! I'm necking the wall! What does it look like"? And then, I'd have to flounce past him like that was the most normal thing in the world. Rubbing one's neck on the wall like a cat rubbing back and forth on a person's leg trying to get them to pet them.
The inevitable happened. My little sample ran out. That's okay though! I know where to buy some because I AM going to buy some. There is something in this perfume that seriously, I am in love with. Not only does it smell good to me but I want to wear it! I want to whiff it all day long! I'm obsessed with it! I love the smell that much!!
Date night last night. The SM takes me to dinner but not before we head to "Sephora" to buy me some perfume. We walk into the store and yes, this is twice now that I am in a beauty store. Don't get lost on stupid details. Just because I don't know how to use the stuff!! Back to the store. I head straight to the wall full of Women's Fragrances and, do you find that name, "Women's Fragrances" funny? I do. Sorry. I know. I digress. I'm a mother of a lot of boys. This is why I'm not allowed in beauty shops!
Walking the displays. The SM and I are searching for the perfume. The SM asks me what the name of the stuff is. I tell him that I don't know. The writing is in white and it's hard to see but there is a big number 1 on the bottle and the word Million. "Just look for a 1 and a Million babe!. Hahaha! I am sooo funny! Get it?? Get it?? Oh wait! You can stop looking. I'm right here!"
The SM isn't amused. It's the "fragrances". They are getting to me. We look. And look. And look. We can't find it! It's not there! How can this be?? They gave me a free sample which means they want me to buy it! It has got to be here. We look some more. It isn't there. Are you kidding me? Of course I finally have found a perfume that I absolutely love and dream about and now I can't find it. I start to hold my little sample vile in my hands super tight and wonder if there is some way to preserve the fumes from the little tiny drop I can see left in the bottom.
I turn around desperately looking to see if there are any more, "Women's Fragrances" that we might have missed and look straight into the display of, "Men's Fragrances" and a box with a big 1 and the word, "Million" on it. I look down at the little vile I am holding clutched in my hand. I look back up to the box and slowly start to walk over to the "Men's Fragrances" display. I read the box. "1 Million Cologne". I look at the little tiny vile and squint at the white writing. "1 Million Cologne".
COLOGNE????? Are you kidding me??? Everything starts to make sense. Me, wanting to lick the very contents of the bottle I am holding. The SM being less than thrilled with my new 'perfume'. I had been wearing men's cologne........... oh the defeat! The anguish! The.............. I turn and look at The SM. My eyes are gleaming. The SM does that uncomfortable shift and looks towards the exit because he knows the gleam... I'm scheming. All is not lost! I start to grin. I still do not like perfume, but cologne on the other hand......... "Hey honey!!! If you rub your neck on my neck then we can transfer the Cologne on my neck onto yours! We'd be necking!!! Get it?? Get it????"