The Process of Being Ugly

"I'm not a witch! I'm your wife!" What's that from???



First, you take chocolate candy for melting. Melt; and paint the inside of a hideous rubber mask. After the candy is hardened you peel off the mask to reveal the beginning of your master piece. (Make sure you get the candy/chocolate in all of the nooks and crannies like the ears, warts, nostrils, etc.)



Second, you make a cake and shove it all inside of your chocolate head.



Then, you frost the back of the head where you are going to place black licorice for the hair.



You are going to use some of these..



to shove into any holes you can find.



And some of these......



because they add to the nastiness.



A work of art. If I do say so myself!

Warning 3

This is a true story. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

A few weeks ago, Miss K came to me and declared that she knew what she wanted to be for Halloween and would I help her make a costume. It has been a long time since I've gone full hog on pulling out the sewing machine, spending hours, days, weeks, on yanking out my hair and making homemade costumes for The Native's.

I told Henny Penny that yes, I'd make her a costume. Not just any costume mind you. She wanted to be the bumble bee fairy from the book "Fable Haven". I told her that finding bumble bee fabric might be a tidge hard but we'd go to the fabric store and see what we could find.

Off to the fabric store we went. JoAnne's. It has been years since I've bought fabric from JoAnne's for several reasons. We'll leave it at: It has been years since I've bought fabric from JoAnne's. The last time I did, the fabric was $1.99, $2.99...... a yard.

The first aisle we came to was loaded with fairy wings. Bedazzled Henny Penny and I started to lay them all out so we could see each one. Henny Penny decided the bumble bee fairy was stupid. She wanted to be the purple fairy. And then we saw, the green fairy wings with the purple glitter so it was decided, a multi colored fairy.

We grabbed the wings and set off to go and look at patterns. None on sale. Of course. We thumbed through the pattern books. I made snorty disgusted noises and comments under my breath about how all of the adult costumes looked like floozies and hookers.

Finally! We found THEEEEEE pattern. A beautiful fairy dress with several layers of flowy fabric in the skirt.

Next! The fabric! Off we went going up and down the aisles looking at the fabric.....touching....... oooohhhing..... "Look at this one!".

Fabric was found and as each of the six fabrics were put into my cart, warning alarm number 1 somehow got mis directed and if it rang. I didn't hear it. I saw the price of the fabric.... but it didn't register.

We stand in line waiting for our fabric to be cut. People are passing our cart and oooohing at our fabric and, "What are you going to make with that??"

The fabric, all six colors gets cut out. Yards and yards upon yards of it. Wow! That's a lot of fabric. Warning alarm number 2. Lots of fabric, lots of expensive fabric. "Did you hear anything? A bell? A buzzer? A GONG?" Nope. Still didn't register.

Henny Penny and I, after getting matching thread and what not to go with, made our way up to the cash register. I lay the fabric out, everything is rung up, and the cashier says, "That can't be right!" I tell her that that most certainly can NOT be right. I'd be out of my mind to pay that much for a costume!!!

The cashier rings it up again! Yup! It's right! The grand total. I'm gonna make you guess. How much do you think it was that left me near tears as I handed over the credit card and spent the rest of the evening sick to my stomach?!

Fifty dollars? Nope! Keep going!!!!

Seventy-five? Keep going....

NO! I'm not kidding! Keep going!

All night I was sick to my stomach. You know the feeling. I know you do. Fess up!

The next morning I called my sister and lamented. "What am I going to do?? The SM is going to KILL ME!"

I started thinking. What could I sell? My truck? Our house? How could I make up for the huge dumb mistake I'd made? And how in the heck did all of this not even give me the tiniest of a, "Lady! Are you out of your cotton picking mind of a clue??"

One hundred dollars! Nope! I know!! I'm dead serious. Keep going!

After I got off of the phone with my sister, I sat on my bed trying to figure out how I could justify my daughter having a Halloween costume that cost the same as a wedding dress! (In my day). And the dang thing wouldn't even have french seams! I was just going to zig zag the bottom of the thing! I can't have my baby girl wearing a dress with zig zag that costs that amount of money!

One hundred fifty? You are getting closer but sadly, no........ keep going!

And then.... I remembered...... my sister in law's sister saying something about some fabric she'd gotten and they'd taken it back! Maybe, just maybe!! Oh please oh please oh please. Do you think they'd take it back?

I grabbed the bags of fabric and drove like mad to JoAnne's saying a prayer the entire way. PLEASE TAKE BACK MY HIDEOUS MISTAKE? PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME PAY RETRIBUTION FOR HAVING MY CONTROL TOP PANTY HOSE ON TOO TIGHT!

I walked in the store...... plopped down my fabric and asked, "Do you take back fabric? Please tell me that you do? Or I'll slit my wrists on your cutting table!"

They didn't want a messy table. They took back the fabric. Every blessed piece and the wings. Every penny that I'd been sick over, put back on my credit card. All...... One hundred........ eighty.........five........ dollars worth.

Yes, you just read that correctly. Korrie! I could hug and kiss ya for that post you'd written about taking back fabric. If it is over a yard they'll take it back. Well, my six pieces were WELL over a yard........

I got back in the car and Henny Penny asked me what we were going to do for a costume. I told her not to worry, we'd go to the 'Marts and I'd figure something out. We walked through the costumes and guess what? A bumble bee fairy costume! For nineteen bucks!




Two days before I'd have snorted at spending nineteen bucks on a 'Mart costume but that day. BARGAIN!

So, warning 3. Don't get emotional. It skews your judgement. Not that I have any personal experience with this...... just sayin'...... hypothetically.

Warning 2

(Scraping melted plastic off hearth)

This is a message from the local fire marshal for and in behalf of all citizens considering/wanting/having done/contemplating cleaning out ashes from a fire pit/wood stove/microwave/etc.


(Notice red embers in ash)

Common sense would tell you to check ashes to make sure they are not hot before placing them in a plastic bag. In a plastic garbage can.

If common sense is lacking for some reason, be it you had little to no sleep the night before, your panty hose are too tight thus restricting precious blood flow, you've been on a diet making it so the only thing you can think about is chocolate... getting your next piece of chocolate... when can you find/steal a piece of chocolate... if you eat chocolate you're going to have to wear control top panty hose.... you lose sleep over it.... What ever your reason!

I realize that the last fire that was burning in your "appliance" was an entire day ago! Reason should point towards nice cool ashes....... reason....... BETRAYS! Do NOT trust reason.

And if reason should prevail and you do happen to melt your trash can and ash then falls out of the melty hole onto your carpet and you grab your trash can running it outside as it blows smoke and ash in your face do me a favor eh?


(Notice smoke still coming out of melty hole)

Make sure when you throw it into ANOTHER plastic trash can (owned by the city) make sure it is pouring rain, or at least get a hose and douse your fire eh?


Photo credit

Cuz you may end up with this...... and the city and the local fire marshals. They just don't get a neighborhood weenie roast like they did in the good ol' days.....

Not that I would know. This is all hypothetical of course and just. A warning. I am after all..... The Scout Master's wife!

Update

Update from yesterday's post:

Midnight came.

Midnight went.

The Native's all went to school

with shaved brows and heads.

The SM is next.

Several birds have abandoned their flights to the south as they take up residence in the ever growing unibrow planning to hunker down for the winter.....

Attention Natives

Dear Natives:

As I was getting ready for the day this morning it became very apparent upon looking in the mirror that I was in need of a certain tool. That tool being one that you seem to take quite often and not put back. My tweezers.

Would the guilty party please have the said tweezers put back in my drawer in my bathroom before midnight tonight. Don't make me have to come and figure out which one of you took them. If you quietly put them away, we'll pretend this never happened.

If they are not put back by midnight this very night.... you will all wake up with shaved heads and eye brows.

Thank you and Sincerely,

The Mother of all Unibrows

Warning 1

This week I will be issuing a series of warnings. I feel it is my civic duty.



When making gobs of homemade pizza dough, do not, and I repeat.... DO NOT..... leave it unattended. Even if your son calls you from fifteen minutes away asking you to come and pick him up from school. Make him walk home or hitch hike.



If you do cave in and go and get your son thinking you have all the time in the world, because dough usually takes about an hour to rise on the first rising, just know, that while you are away, evil mutant atomic gasseous forces will take over and you will come home to this. And if this isn't deterrent enough...... it will take you a half hour to forty-five minutes to clean up!

Not that I've ever had this happen to me..... I believe in making The Native's spend the night at school in the janitor's closet........

Fall = Projects

Fall has officially arrived. The leaves are changing and falling. The temperatures are dropping. Snow covers the tops of the mountains..... All of The Native's and The SM have their ears pressed to the radio listening to the BYU Cougar's have a dismal football season, and I have gotten a few minutes in here and there to make some of these.



The ones I am wearing came from a pattern by "The Sweet Sheep". Unfortunetly, I think it is no longer available as I can't seem to find it on their site. I used Royal Llama Silk yarn from Plymouth Yarn.

The ones Henny Penny is wearing came from this pattern and I used Baby Ull from DaleGarn which I doubled up for a thicker weight.

Mutt and Jeff

The video and photo speak for themselves...........

Tough Enough To Wear Pink

Levi's favorite color is pink. Just ask him. He'll tell you.



He saw these slippers at Wal-Mart. He liked them. He wanted them. So I bought them for him. Got a problem with that? No? Good!



Got a problem with my new hair cut?



No? Good!

Boots and Shoes

I have spent some time thinking and have thought very hard about something. I have come to the conclusion that I am a very rebellious person.

I do not like the way nature intended things to be. Or maybe, it is the fact that I live in a world where people go to the extremes to make themselves look like they have defied nature, and since I'm not one of those, nature takes it's ever evil course.

The other day I turned on the T.V. trying to find live coverage of the miraculous mining recovery effort in Chile. I flip through the channel and a news looking show comes on. "Good Morning America"? I think that is what it is. I'm sorry. I'm T.V. inept. I don't watch so sorry as I murder television. Anyway, these ladies are interviewing another group of ladies. This group of ladies looked like they were ready for a glam dance around a pole photo shoot. Apparently, they are on a show, something to the effect of Beverly Hills Wives or Desperate Housewives. I don't know! Some show like that. I sat there and looked at them and thought, "House wife??? Are you kidding me??? How in the world do you scrub a toilet in that get up?"

The ladies interviewing asked these "housewives" about looking so good and one quipped, "Oh any woman over the age of 20 in Beverly Hills has had something done. Some sort of surgery. I'm the oldest one on the show! I can't have crows feet sitting next to these ladies!"

And there you have it....

I have been going grey since high school. Hair dye. No problem. Having my hysterectomy has sped up the middle age process. Weight seems to be sticking to me like lint on black pants, deeper lines are appearing on my face, the body doesn't want to keep up with the spirit. I'm only 20 for crying out loud!

And yet, when I look in the mirror.... I hardly recognize myself. And it's not the new hair cut either..... which funny enough...... more people don't like than do. But I like it so that is what matters right?

So, I have decided that if I have to continue on the road that I am, getting older and all that comes with it...... If I have to be an old lady who lives in a shoe well then that is just fine. I'll be the old lady that lives in a shoe.

But it's going to be a TRASHY shoe thank you very much. A trashy high heeled boot so I can kick life in the bahootie and enjoy myself while I'm at it. I am NOT going down without a fight. Did I mention I'm rebellious?

Poke!

Started giggling at the 'poke' part and didn't stop till the end.



Confession: I still like facebook........ even if I thought this clip was FUNNY!

Old Darby Road

You'll have to click on the photos to see them and what is written. Sorry everything is so small.





For half of my life, my address was: 1297 Old Darby Road Darby, Montana 59829. The other half it was: 2811 Old Darby Road.......

Same house. Different address. Growing up, I never understood how the post office could all of a sudden give us a new address when I was living in the same old house.



I don't know why, but I always make The SM drive by my old home when ever we go back to Montana to visit. And every time we drive by I get all ticked at how the place is being ruined.

* The yellow star in the tree. Yeah. That would be the apple tree we'd hide in and chuck rotten apples at mom's milk customers...... Sorry mom. Click on link for story.



This last trip was no different. I did take photos for you but not of my home. They've let it run down too much. It makes me sick. You can see the outbuildings/barns in major need of a paint job. I have a photo of my home from growing up that I'll figure how to scan and add someday.



As you can see, I had it pretty good growing up. I spent very little time in my house. Most of the time was spent in those fields and hills both working and playing.

Oh! And my house! It really is an old neat farm house. It was one of the stops on the Pony Express. True story! And the name "DEMOTT" on the garage/shop. A land mark. The people who owned/ran the stop. Their name was DeMott.

Just a little bit of fun history about my old home. The place where they stabled the horses was down the street around the corner. Another really neat old farm house.

The Love of A Mother

A man in front of a group of people at a meeting told a mother of a new baby that the love a mother has for her baby is such that she would never let that baby go. She would never give her baby away because her love for her baby is so strong.

I sat listening and fumed. I wanted to say something, but didn't. Under the circumstances it would have been inappropriate. Obviously, this was a voice of inexperience. After the meeting was over, I walked over to a mother who's children have come by means of adoption. I put my arms around her adopted son and told him, "You know the scripture that talks about 'No greater love hath a man than he lay down his life for another.......' (paraphrasing of course). Well, no greater love hath a mother who gives her child to another because she loves that child so much."



To all of you mothers out there who have given the ultimate gift and to all those who are where I was over nineteen years ago as a teenager trying to decide..... It is the hardest thing you will ever do but giving your baby life, and then giving your baby to parents who would do anything and yearn to have children..... I encourage you to do so. Please choose adoption. Not abortion. Because you love your baby!

And where ever my baby girl is out there...... I pray that she knows I did what I did, because I loved her so much..........

Are You Growing Fonder of Me?

Absence, they say, makes the heart grow fonder. Are you fond of me yet?

I'm not sure that this statement is true. I can think of a lot of things in my life that if they were absent I would not grow fonder of. Take for example laundry. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't miss it. Nope! Not even a smidge. Dishes....... cleaning bathrooms...... cleaning in general....... Not feelin' it!

Yesterday was a great day. The SM had been in Japan all week and was expected to arrive in the late afternoon. I woke up excited and went about my morning preparations of getting The Native's off to school. I got myself all dolled up from head to toe and started fixing a meal that would remind him as to why he likes it better here than his wife's cooking in Japan. I tease him that when ever he gets tired of my cooking, he hops on a plane and visits his other wives around the world. Obviously, their cooking doesn't compare any where near mine because he always returns after a week or so of tasting their cooking.

I'm dancing and sashaying away in the kitchen and need something from down stairs. I runway walk in my high heels over to the stairs...... and the next thing I know....... I am at the bottom of the stairs on the floor in a tumbled heap laughing till my eyes are watering.

Sexy. Graceful. I am not.

Its gotta be my cooking The SM is fond of while he is absent........

Rund Over

What do you get when you cross a little chimpmunk and a teenager who is playing football?



"I got rund over!"

I Totally Stink!!

Last Sunday in Sunday School we read these verses in Isaiah:

18 In that day the Lord will take away the bravery of their tinkling ornaments about their feet, and their cauls, and their round tires like the moon,

19 The chains, and the bracelets, and the mufflers,

20 The bonnets, and the ornaments of the legs, and the headbands, and the tablets, and the earrings

21 The rings, and nose jewels,

22 The changeable suits of apparel, and the mantles, and the wimples, and the crisping pins,

23 The glasses, and the fine linen, and the hoods, and the veils.

24 And it shall come to pass, that instead of sweet smell there shall be stink; and instead of a girdle a rent; and instead of well set hair baldness; and instead of a stomacher a girding of sackcloth; and burning instead of beauty.



Do you smell something? Me thinketh I'm gonna totally stinketh and be bald.......