I open my bedroom door and am hit in the face with something so rank that I want to shove tampons up my nose as I launch myself out of my bedroom window. Who cares that I am two stories up and haven't taken off the screen first. Everything in me is screaming, "Noooooo!! Run!!! Far, far away!!!" There are some days when big girl pants aren't big enough and I don't want to be the adult anymore.
I have to get Levi off to school. The bus is coming in a half hour so I have to get him breakfast, feed him, dress him, get his teeth brushed, make him lunch, and to do this, I must venture forth where ever the smell is emanating from! At this point, it is so vile I am surprised that radiation or nuclear alarms haven't gone off in the city.
With nose covered and eyes watering, I descend the stairs into the living room and am confronted with the source. Cinder. The big black Labradoodle is whimpering in her kennel and there is carnage everywhere. She has gotten sick and diarrheaed in her kennel and if it is possible for a 60 pound dog to stand on her tipsy toes in the farthest corner trying to get away from death, she is doing it. I will give her credit. She did do her darnedest to keep away and out of the mess but how one keeps out of the mess of an obvious explosion is beyond me and quite impossible. We're not talking a little squelchy drivel or squirt here. We're talking someone put Mentos in a Coke bottle and shook it up and let it rip!
How in the world am I supposed to carry and get this behemoth of a dog up into the bathroom to get her cleaned up, never mind the kennel mess and REALLY???? This had to happen in the winter so I can't just haul everything out into the yard and hose it all off??? And did I mention that the bus is coming in a half hour and I have to get Levi on it??
I get the dog up into the tub and scrub her down and then promptly leave her in the bathroom. She wants to know what in the world she did to deserve a time out and I am wishing I could have a time out. I get Levi up and scramble through his morning routine all the while trying to answer Levi's question as to why it smells so bad, why the mess is still sitting there, why haven't I cleaned it up??? Because it smells so bad!!!
"Be grateful kid, you get to get on a bus and leave this mess"!
Levi finally is on the bus and I continue to detox the house and carpet. Hours, yes, hours later, it is finally done.
Two things. I literally went to hell this morning and I didn't cuss once!! I am so proud of myself! I thought it and I was close and I wanted to!!! But, I didn't. I think the fumes got to me because I still don't know how I managed that what with it being such a crappy morning and all........
And second, I have never been so grateful for a nose full of boogers in all my life! Woke up with a nose that needed honking and I tell you what! I kept those things lodged good and tight all morning until after the mess was cleaned up and THEN, I honked my snoz!
Other than babies and toddlers, who knew boogers could be a beautiful thing!?
Hey! When you're in a war, you take what ever you can to fight back!!! Don't judge!
P.S. I'm going to go and take a bath now and celebrate boogers, not cussing, and essential oils I can diffuse and get rid of radioactive smells!
Poor Cinder...and you. Hope she is all better and you have recovered from your traumatic beginnings. Love your humorous outlook!
ReplyDeleteI did feel really bad for her. I couldn't get mad at her because of the look she was giving me. You could tell that she was miserable and she felt bad. She's feeling much better this evening. Thankfully!!!
DeleteGlad to hear Cinder is better. I know I get a little queasy just with Mercy dog flatulence.
DeleteYeah. Cinder does that too. A LOT!!! About kills me!!!
DeleteI'm so sorry I do know what you went though and I commend you for not cussing, I guarantee that I would have been the entire time. I think the worst smell I had was with my dog who liked to help and clean up after herself (recycling at it's best) then one day was so nice and came in and immediately urped it up. Now image that in a very small house. I was puking the entire time I was cleaning it up.
ReplyDeleteI hope your day improves.
Oh man! We had one of those too!!!! It is just VILE when they do that!!! It's almost worse in some ways!
DeleteSo sorry I worked in the office today. Reeaalllly! :D
ReplyDeleteYeahhhhh, how convenient!! You better bring me back a pretty good souvenir from California this trip!!!
Deletethat sounds like the worst... kudos to you for enduring it well
ReplyDeleteI had to find the humor in this one or I'd have lost it! :D
DeleteOh yuck, really yuck! I remember days of going to work and being on kennel duty and having to face a room full of cages and dogs like that. Especially after a big night out was the worst. I remember a few times being sick into the garbage pail as I cleaned up those kennels. I sure don't miss that part of my working life. I sympathise and feel for you and we'll done on not swearing! Impressed!! Hope it was just a stomach bug and has gone and it's not contagious xx
ReplyDeleteOh man!!! You just made me feel better!! I can't imagine doing that with several dogs multiple times!!! GAG!! I'd have been hurling too! Bad enough when it is your own dog. Kind of like your own kids. You can handle things a little better when it is your own kids/pets/etc.
DeleteSo far, seems it was a few hours bug. She was sick later in the day but thankfully took care of it outside! She's been fine since. Probably something she ate since she's such a garbage disposal!
GROSS!!!! You are so good..I may have waited and made the Scout Master clean it up. The gagging involved may not have been worth it.
ReplyDeleteOh that that were an option...............
DeleteMy gag reflex was sympathizing just reading this!!! I would have had to call ServPro.....so sorry! May tomorrow be far more pleasant!
ReplyDeleteWait! ServPro? There are people that would have come and cleaned that up for me????? Now you tell me!! :D
DeleteI have to remark that even on my best days, I don't think I ever got 16 comments on my blog. But then, I don't have the interesting - umm - style that you do, or the dog. I cannot for the life of me remember even once having that kind of dog-diarrhea event happen here. HOW THE HECK DID WE DODGE THAT ONE??? And I'd be willing to bet you wrote "crappy day" before you even realized it was a pun. And please do not use that stuff-in-the-nose word, because for some reason, reading it or hearing it makes me immediately nauseated. No, I was not brought up to be tough in Montana. (My mother about had a fainting fit when I started using the word "crap" and she was no saint - she thought, it turns out, that it means the same thing as that sh word. Which it does, but somehow, that never came through to me till it was already built into my lexicon.)
ReplyDeleteSo there. I read it. Somehow, I wish I hadn't. I just had breakfast, after-all. Oy.
You might notice that half of the 16 comments are mine in reply so that ought to make you feel better :). As for the crappy day, I did, in fact, know what I was doing with that one and you'll thank me because in my mind, it was the sh word....... but I didn't cuss out loud so, there is THAT!
DeleteAs for the 'stuff up the nose word', Would you prefer I be a snot? :D
I've got nothing clever to offer . . . just my everlasting awe for your determination and hilarious recap. :)
ReplyDeleteAll one can do is laugh sometimes. There's a fine line between laughing and going plumb crazy!! :) I've long crossed the line of crazy. :D
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