Having A Ball With My Gown

Anybody that has ever gone in for any sort of an examination in a doctors office where the clothing needs to be removed will know of what I am about to talk about.

A few weeks ago I had an examination that required preeeeetty much a full body examination. It meant that all clothing must be removed. As I sat in the office the nurse kindly handed me a nicely folded up piece of tissue paper. Two pieces actually and told me that one was for the top and the other for the bottom.

I looked at the piece of tissue paper that was supposed to go on the top of me and was told that the opening (it's like a vest) needs to go in the front and then the other piece of tissue paper needs to be draped across my lap. The nurse then cheerfully waltzed out the door while I held up two pieces of paper doll tissue paper and wondered how in the world I was supposed to hold onto my dignity while holding onto that tissue paper.

Something that everyone might also know is what happens to tissue paper when it gets wet. Pray you don't get sweaty palms as you are clutching at your tissue paper.

Clothes off, I proceeded to try to figure out the vest. It is folded up all nice and purdy like and opens as well as a plastic produce bag. You know what I'm talking about! You sit in the produce department trying to figure out which end has the opening as you are taking your two fingers trying to slide the plastic back and forth hoping it will open while juggling six apples in your other hand! That was me and the 'vest'. I finally got it open and breathed a sigh of relief that the only tears I'd made were tiny. P.S. Tiny tears in tissue turn into big tears real fast. I didn't know this yet.

There is one other thing you might already know. Tissue clothing comes in a one size fits all. P.S. There's no such thing as 'one size fits all.' I'm not an entirely huge person. Vest on I proceeded to sit myself down on the examination table and try to cover up my lower half with the dryer sheet. Now, I ask you, please remember that this is a one size fits all.....I look down to see what kind of a job I am doing covering myself and I start to ponder how in the heck someone larger than me does it. I turn my head and do a half crank craning of the neck to see if I can see my back side and yup! It's there all right. Hanging out like over risen dough escaping the mixing bowl. I grab the tissue and yank some more to cover up the back and riiiiip. Dag nabbit! My backside is covered but aint I the flashy one in the front and that isn't all! The tissue paper vest is gaping wide open because it is stiff tissue paper and the arm holes are big enough to stick both my legs through. If a stiff wind came through that room my vest would catch the wind and sail away! I let go of the catastrophe that is now a crumpled ripped mess on my lap and clutch at my vest and pull it tight and closed about my front. Aww heck! Now both my boobs are hanging out the gargantuan arm holes. Ease up Ethyl! I let go of the front of the vest that is now matching my crumpled dryer sheet and figure if I just clutch a little bit in the front closed and hold my arms tight against my sides then that sort of holds things in place and makes me feel that at least some of my dignity is still in tact only I still have the dang ripped and crumpled dryer sheet to contend with and I'm gonna somehow do it with one hand clutching my vest and both arms plastered to my sides. I wiggle around on the examination table only to realize I've a new set of problems. All examination tables are covered in the same tissue paper and I was in such a state trying to get myself covered I didn't realize that my legs were sweating and the dang examination tissue is now stuck to my legs! Nice! I'm gonna leave a big ol' sweaty butt print on the exam table!

I can hear the doctor walking down the hall and know he is going to be walking into my room at any second. I frantically yank more tissue paper off of the roll on the examination table and wrap myself up in the stuff like a new bride at her bridal shower wrapped in toilet paper. The only thing this doc is gonna see is the whites of my bulging eyes. I'm thinking I'm all smug taking advantage of that big ol' roll of tissue paper!

The doc walks in, gives me a puzzled look, and proceeds with the exam. It wasn't a pleasant exam and left me gritting my teeth and counting numerous times to ten and back. When the doc was done he told me I could get dressed and he'd be back in to discuss the upcoming surgery. Whew! THAT was over.....only it wasn't.....cuz I'd been so tense I'd sweat profusely and now that dang tissue paper I'd wrapped myself up in like a mummy was now plastered to my body and came off in little tiny pieces.....along with my dignity as I realized that sweaty wet tissue paper is completely see through.