I have been sharing emails with you from my son Mr. T (second eldest son) who is serving a mission for our church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and bragging about how proud I am of my son.
Mr. B, is my eldest son and it is his turn for me to brag about him. Mr. B is fighting a battle. A battle for his life. Literally. He has started a blog and is writing about this fight. I've not talked about Mr. B and the struggles he's had over the years because of privacy but since he has chosen to write about what he is going through and has gone through, I can now stand here in as a proud parent and tell you how much I love this boy who has struggled for so long with an addiction to pornography. Yes, my son has a sexual addiction. Yes, my son has struggled with depression. Yes, my son has struggled with thoughts and attempts of suicide. This has been a long battle that started when he was about 8 or 9. He is now 21 in December and still fighting.
Mr. B has started his blog knowing that he will be judged. He will be shunned by those who pretended to be his friend. He might even be harassed/bullied. He knows this. But, despite knowing this, he is picking himself up, standing up, looking the world in the face, and saying, "I have an addiction. I've let it beat me for years. It stops now".
There have been many battles in this war Mr. B is fighting. It is wearying. It is exhausting. As his mother, I have watched him, cried with him, held him, worried over him, lost sleep over him, prayed over him, and never stopped loving him. I am proud of my son. Yes, my son has an addiction. It's a difficult addiction, but this addiction does not define my son.
My son, Mr. B is kind, sensitive, caring, hard working, and an example to all of being a fighter and not giving up.
Have I mentioned how proud I am of my son?! I am. I am SO proud of Mr. B! He brings me and The SM and our family such joy.
His blog if you'd like to read/follow and encourage him in his fight: http://myfinalstand.blogspot.com/
Just a warning. It is honest and brutal. Mr. B doesn't hold back. It may come across offensive to some. And that's okay.
Life didn't turn out the way we thought it would, did it? I mean, much of it did. But it was all supposed to make sense - you are supposed to be able to trust your siblings when they take responsibility for your child. You are supposed to know when something is wrong - immediately - have that feeling. Your children are supposed to be "normal." I think, especially readers expect these things - as narratives tend to make sense, and characters tend to get what they deserve. But life isn't like that - sweet people end up suffering, and chemical and genetic variations bring things we'd never dreamed of facing - things that are real, hard, impossible for the heart. But this is why our Heavenly Father wants us to live in loving community. To have a wider family than just our own - because many times, it takes a dang lot of hands and arms to hold us up so that we can keep going. I am proud of him, too. This is a long fight and a searing one. But while we are being propped up, we also prop, and as we all reach out to hold each other up, we find that everyone is braced on every side. You are a great mama. Even if I didn't love you like a sister, I'd admire you for your strength, love, forgiveness and courage.
ReplyDeleteNo. Things don't turn out the way we think they should go but I look back on my life and the 'mistakes' that I made. I didn't go the way that my parents had planned for me to go either but those experiences I went through, have made me who I am today and this will be the same for Mr. B. These things are molding and shaping all of us and the magnificence I see in him!!
DeleteI love how you spoke of the many of us propping and propping each other up. It's a beautiful and true image. The many arms open and hands holding..... a wide family....... yes. I love you too. You who has propped me up for years and years!!
Way to take a stand against addiction Mr. B! So, Rachel, how has this affected how you protect your other kids from pornography? As a mother I want to do all I can to protect my kids & this is an area I don't know how to address (I know we've talked abt it before, but its something that should be addressed soon & I'm still nervous to do it cuz my parents didn't talk abt stuff like this)
ReplyDeleteMarseille, It hasn't affected me any different. That may come as a surprise to you. :) The reason I say this is because we had all of the protections in place for Mr. B. We did everything we could. Sadly, it is everywhere and if people/children want to view it bad enough, they will find a way. That being said, make sure all of your computer/electronic devices are out in the open. Also, use passwords. Don't let kids on a computer without logging them on first. No one should have a secret password. Spouses included. Meaning, you should know your husband's password and he know yours. No secrets. Put blocks on your computers. There are a lot out there. I think we use K9?? Check the user history on your computers often. I'm not into having my kids having their own phones and tablets until college age. I don't think it is necessary but that is just me.......... There are some parents who feel that they shouldn't have Internet and the like in their homes because they are afraid of pornography. I personally don't agree with that. If your child is going to stumble upon something (and they will!!!!) you want to be there to help them know what to do. Talk about it! Be open about it! No secrets!!! Have communication with your children. Be present when your kids are home. Know that your kids are going to see it and some are likely to have a problem with it. Don't make them feel ashamed when they come and tell you. Shame is of the adversary. Don't be afraid to talk about it. Again, you know where fear comes from! Go over often with your children what pornography is. Anything (music, literature, movies, pictures, etc.) that make you feel "uncomfortable". Talk about what "uncomfortable" is. It's tricky because having 'feelings' is natural and normal and we don't want our kids to feel bad or ashamed because they 'feel' something. It is the 'acting' that isn't appropriate. With Rob working with the Young Men, I highly recommend he read (both of you actually), "Understanding Pornography and Sexual Addiction, A Resource for LDS Families and Leaders". Also, the book, "Clean Hands, Pure Heart: Overcoming Addiction to Pornography Through The Redeeming Power of Jesus Christ" by Phillip A. Harrison.
DeleteThese are both books I wish every leader of the youth including the bishopric would read...
Continue doing what you are doing. Reading scriptures, family prayer, going to the temple, and church often. There is power there. The biggest thing, love. Let your kids know you love them no matter what.
Lastly, again, I can't stress this enough. Be open. This is not something to hide or be afraid of. It's going to happen! It's not a matter of 'if' but 'when'. When it does...... have the ball in your court. No more defensive. Be offensive.
I hope this helps........ clear as mud? :D
I will second what was said. There is absolutely nothing you can do to make sure they don't see it. I wasn't even at my own house when I was introduced, magazines at the library. Even music, the only thing you can do is make sure it isn't something hidden, it isn't something shoved under the door mat. Talk and be honest, do not best around the bush. It is what it is. So my advice is simply what mom said. And if they do begin, tell them what they are doing, what can happen, ask there opinion because it'll be there decision overall. Anyway the best thing is to keep it open and understand that they will be introduced or affected by it at some point so teach them how to deal with it afterwords.
DeleteYup! Education is the best tool/key/weapon/etc. I like what Brennan said, teach them how to deal with it when they do get exposed.
DeleteEducation and conversation. That you can have open discussions speaks volumes. What a strong family, taking the challenges head on.
DeleteHugs...
Thanks Wabi. It's been hard, but hard means growth and strength and bringing closer together.
DeleteI don't have any words . . . just hope.
ReplyDeleteHope is a big thing. Without it, there wouldn't be any faith or works.........
Delete