Making memories one day at a time.......and then I write about it.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Words of Wisdom

I don't have a photo to go with this post because I am prideful and showing my chubby thighs and telling you all I pooped my pants in my last post was all the skeletons I can share for one week.

I am going to write a post all about how to survive your summer with the chitlins home.  Assuming you are all like me and love having your kids at home 24/7 and listening to the, "I"m bored" speech and the, "There's nothing to dooooo".   For the rest of you, this post is for you.  I've never done this myself but I hear it works.  

Make sure all natives are indoors.  Lock all doors and tell natives if they answer the phone or open the door they will be scalped within an inch of their lives.  When you tell them this, make sure you have your hands on your hips, are bending over staring in their upturned faces, and your eyes are bulging and bloodshot.  Takes some practice but by the end of the summer you'll have it down pat.  Especially the bulgy bloodshot eyes part.

Next, plant all of your natives in front of some sort of media.  Don't listen to what you've heard Dr. Phill and Opra and all of those other have nannies to take care of their natives crap shoot advice.  They don't have experience.  Go with experience.  You'll thank me later.........

Media brothers and sisters is your friend.  It's like the snake on, 'Tarzan'.  Look into my eyesssssss, you are getting verrrrrrry sleeeeeeeeepyyyyyyy.  Don't think of it as tranquilizing your children.  Think of it as keeping them safe!  This is all about the kids!!  Keep telling yourself this.  You are being a good parent!!

After the kids are staring and drool is wetting the fronts of their shirts, grab the stash of chocolate you've been hiding behind the cleaning supplies (best hiding place EVER) and run to your bedroom, lock the door, open your closet door, say a naughty word when you step on the pile of shoes dumped in a heap on the floor as you try to squish into the closet, wish you had a bigger closet less junk,  close the doors behind you, sit down on your husband's pile of memorabilia from high school that he can't part with because we all know someday we'll be glad he kept those old wrestling shoes, and spend the next 1/2 (day) hour in total bliss eating your chocolate stash.

Side note:  If you hear fire trucks, just stay where you are and play dead.  When asked later, tell the firemen the truth.  The natives turned on you, tied and locked you up in your closet, and you are so grateful they came and resuscitated you.

Repeat this once a week/day as needed.

You're welcome.

27 comments:

  1. They aren't naughty words. They are emergency words! You crack me up and you have to go and read this other momma's plans for surviving the summer....another funny lady.

    http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2013/06/13/surviving-summer

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    1. If that link doesn't work...why didn't it turn blue?...find her on facebook and go from there.

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    2. Oh my gosh Donna!! I just read/finished her book, "7". I loved her writing and her sense of humor. A woman after my fashion!

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    3. Are you going to do the 7 experiment? My little husband and I both read it but we haven't determined to do it yet....

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    4. I'm still trying to decide. I want to. It would be funner to do it with someone. Someone to commiserate with. :) wink wink hint hint

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    5. I bought the study guide, too and it does each thing for only a week at a time...wanna start there for practice?

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    6. I need to get the study guide. I like doing it one week at a time. That sounds more manageable.

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  2. Imagine what parents had to do in the olden times when the only ready source of screen time was the television! And later, when there were videos, they had to be used IN THE HOUSE. No portable devices. Now there are how many choices? Which really means there is absolutely NO EXCUSE for not following your advice.

    But I'm gonna eat potato chips instead of chocolate, okay?

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    1. I don't have to entertain kids, or hide from them, but can I have chips?

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    2. My mother used to hide chips! She loved salty crunchy things at the end of a long day. She hid them in her night stand next to her bed. I say hid.... we all knew they were there but also knew if we wanted to live, not to touch.

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    3. W-S, we must be kindred spirits. (As I pour crumbs from a Pringles can into my mouth).

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    4. Yay - I feel like at long last I have found a sisterhood of chip eaters! I confess to sneaking salt & vinegar chips late at night. And when the kids are still awake, I have been known to hide in the pantry to stuff a few crispy wonders in my face. Because if the kids knew I would have to share.

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  3. For me, it's needing a little sweet treat. Followed by a salty treat. Which leaves you wanting a sweet treat. Which causes a salt craving. I have no children. I don't have to hide anything. Except from G who will mention the fact that these are carbs and he thought I wasn't eating them these days. If I had a dog door, things would be better. Children at least have opposable thumbs and can let themselves in and out. But if I had a dog door, the raccoons would come in, too. And I know, from experience, that they are really hot for chips. And probably for chocolate. Which could mean trouble. I did not read 7 and will not if it is a book about having to do things I am not already doing for a week at a time. Or even for five minutes. Not my idea of a summer, dang it all.

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    1. 7 is a book about NOT doing, NOT having, NOT using....so, you're in?

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    2. I'm with ya Kristen! Sweet, then salty, then sweet, then salty, then......... it's vicious!!!

      I think you'd like 7. I think you'd like the author's sense of humor.

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  4. There's always Liquid Benadryl or Nyquil hidden in a shot of soda or something, so I've heard. Race game amongst the kiddos. Make it fun. Never see it coming. I read it in a novel or something. Kinda fuzzy the source. Good stuff though, I like the eyes and chocolate part.

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    1. I think I read that novel too! (wink wink) :D

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  5. I thought you were going to say you told the kids they had to stay inside so they would beg you to let them go outside and stay there all day.

    You'd think my family would have figured out by now where to look for me when they can't find me, but so far, they are pretty slow about looking in the closet (sometimes I can be found in the pantry).

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    1. I'm shocked your kids haven't found you as well!!

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    2. Oh my gosh, myonemorething hides in the pantry too???? We really ARE kindred spirits!

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    3. Y'all need to find a better hiding place is all I'm saying. The pantry is the first place my kids come looking!

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  6. Loved this! I really do love my kids home during the summer except for the noise. It's so noisy all the time. The way it's worked at my house is that I let them sleep in till the littlest and loudest get up and then I let them be loud and wake up the teenagers. Then I give each of them a deep cleaning chore like cleaning my baseboards, or in the couch cushions. You know something like that. To be able to play or watch media they have to finish that. Sometimes they get it done fast and sometimes they wait till late afternoon. However, the magic of it is that the cleaning projects that I never have time for they end up doing because they want to play on the computer/Wii, watch TV, play with friends, etc. However, there are some days that they don't care about the computer time, Wii, or friends, and they don't do it. They then tend to find a spot and read a book, but they are reading. If there are too many days they don't get it done or I need/want it done earlier, then they don't get breakfast until it's done and then magically it's done faster. By late afternoon my deep corners are a little cleaner and they have their media/friend time and I feel like things have been accomplished. At that time they are glued to media or off somewhere in the neighborhood and I take the second of reprieve from "my little birds chirping" to eat my chocolate. After all if I hear that they are bored or want computer time they know I will magically have more work for them to do so they tend to give me some space. Although the house doesn't look much cleaner as there are still things on the floor/tables/counters and it's louder than usual (7 kids as you know are louder and make big messes fast), my deep corners are cleaner and my kids are not begging me from the moment they wake up to play. It works most of the time and the other days when I don't have any energy, "media tranquilized kids keep my kids safe". ;)

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    1. I have been doing the same thing!! I have the kids do some sort of deep cleaning in the house and some weeding outside and then they are free for the rest of the day! Sounds like we are on the same page. :D

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  7. Great minds (or desperate moms) think alike. ;)

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