Making memories one day at a time.......and then I write about it.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Closet Eaters

Closet Eater:  An abnormal eating behavior in which a person binges on food when alone.  Closet eaters usually eat normal meals in front of other people, but when alone, the binging begins.  A closet eater sneaks foods and hordes goodies in a bedroom, car, or other secret place.  

Closet eating.  Every father or mother knows that it is a right of passage!  When one needs a treat break from the natives, one goes into their closet and eats some chocolate takes a deep breath and regroups.  It's a very select group.  We take our membership very seriously.

I'm a horrible mum!  I've broken the code.  This is a parents only group!  One must go through the initiation of parenthood to get into this group.  There are laws I tell ya!  Laws for a reason!!  I broke them.  I hang my head in shame.

Because Levi is on such a strict diet of what he can and can't eat, we all have to be strict with him.  It's not fair to eat donuts and cookies and ice cream and truffles and brownies and candy and chips and crackers and scones and could you hold on a second?  I need to go in my closet for a minute.  Just typing this has made me realize I need to take a break for a minute.

Phew!  Okay, I know I said a minute but a minute turned into a nap.  Yes, I was napping that whole time in my closet!  Who's asking?????

Anyway, as I was saying. One shouldn't eat things in front of others who can't.  It's just not nice.  So, in the argument of being kind, I've divulged the secret of the closet society.  I know!  I'm sorry!!!  What's a mum to do??  The other natives were starving I tell ya!  They were having with drawls and foaming at the mouth!  I had to do something.

Yesterday, Levi was at a friends house.  I was craving some sanity.  Oh was I craving it big time.  Over the top big time.  I climbed up on top of my island and reached far back into the cupboard above the fridge and grabbed a sugar cone.  It wasn't good enough to just sink my spoon into a tub of ice cream and eat out of the tub.  Ohhhh no.  Yesterday, I wanted a big double decker ice cream cone with fudge on top.  Levi was gone!  I could!  I could sit in my kitchen and indulge myself!  So, I did.  I also scooped a bowl of ice cream for Henny Penny and how we relished those first bites.  And then....... we heard it...........  the front door.  WHAT?!  HOW THE?!!  IT CAN'T BE!!!!  HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!!!

I put on my super sneaky hero suit and flew across the kitchen!  Ripped the bowl of ice cream out of Henny Penny's hands, slammed my ice cream cone into the bowl on top of her ice cream, (had a silent sob, it was a beautiful cone),  yanked open the freezer door, and hurled the bowl of ice cream with my cone into the back of the freezer with a slam of the door shut.  Levi walked around the corner and asked, "Watcha doin"?

Oh nothing honey!  Just teaching your sister to hide and hoard food.  Just giving your sister one more thing to work out in therapy as she gets older.  More bad habits!!!

One doesn't want to waste one's money or the therapists time so I am giving them plenty of things to work on!

Dear Natives,
You're welcome


The End!


  1. The very bad thing is when all the natives have their own houses and you don't need closets anymore - you can sit right there in your corner of the couch and EAT WHATEVER YOU DARN WELL PLEASE. This is the phase of life kids mean when they say, "I can't wait till I grow up and then I can do anything I want," except for the dimension of financial resources, the universal gag on getting stuff. But the trouble is, you could count on your mum to tell you know so that you wouldn't end up fat and unhealthy, eating that whole tray of cookies - but when she's not either, who is left, I ask you? Lorri Randle. She will tell you you can't eat that whole tray, if you allow her to coach you, which you probably should. But I am older than she is, and not particularly obedient, and as a result, have eaten a significant amount of sugar today in a wild and desperate bid to feel - better? Thrilled? Treated? Free? Which I will pay for tomorrow when I still can't wear the yellow dress to church -

    1. But Levi will always be here...... so alas......... I will always have to be a sneaky eater. As for the yellow dress, you always look lovely in what ever you wear!! So hang the dress!

      There are sooo many things that I told my mum I was NOT going to do when I grew up and had a house of my own or I was NOT going to make my kids do such and such............... I am SO sick and tired of eating crow......... sigh.......... mothers really do know what's best.

  2. Rats--there are so many hard parts to being the mom! But as your girl was sharing a moment with you, it wasn't really closet eating. I'm often sharing something with one kid that I can't share with everyone. I think it's not terrible . . . I guess I hope it's not terrible. :)

    1. You know, I hadn't thought about that! That Henny Penny and I shared that moment together. It's something we've been laughing about and will continue to laugh about for some time I'd imagine! You have such a great perspective on things!


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