A few days ago I went to a funeral. A funeral for a man I have never met. I went to show support and love to a beautiful woman. My friend.
As I sat and listened to this man's son speak about his father I started to ponder some things. Things I've been thinking about. A lot. I didn't know this man but we had something in common. A spirit that was wild and crazy and full of energy and a body that doesn't want to cooperate. A body that has health problems. A body that is far too young to have health problems! He passed away at the young age of 55.....
Never have I felt separation of body and spirit as I have the last couple of years and for some reason, this winter has been particularly hard. I don't want to keep doing this. I want the West Nile to be gone. In the past. Wave a magic wand and yell out some, "Harry Potter" spell and magically end up on the back of some dragon flying through the air, wind whipping through my hair, breath coming out in exhilarating gasps.
This man's son spoke about how his father is no longer held back by the bindings of health that held him back in this part of his life's journey. From the sounds of it, it doesn't sound like he let his health hold him back much while he was here on earth.....
On Saturday evening I was preparing a lesson to teach the girls age 14-15 on Sunday. As I was studying the lesson I was to give, I read a story about a mother who had terminal cancer. Right before she passed away, her husband arranged it so that their little family of two little girls, herself, and her husband could have a picnic out on the lawns of the hospital. Later that day, she wrote in her journal about how she used to think that if you had your health, you had everything. She realized that she didn't have her health but that she did have everything. She had this beautiful little family and that would continue all through eternity. The material things of this world she would leave behind but she would always have her family through out eternity.
I thought a lot about that. Many times I have sat here like a lump on the couch and wondered what my purpose was since I'm not fulfilling the typical "Mom" criteria. All of those job descriptions that you put under the title "Mom". Not happening. Dead weight.
I thought about my mum and would I rather a lump on the couch or no mum. No question. I'd rather the lump. Coming home from school, just knowing a lump would be there is a whole lot better in my mind than coming home to no mum.
It got me to thinking The Native's probably feel the same way. It's hard on them. Not just me. It's really hard on The SM and all he has on his plate.
I'm still trying to sort and work this through in my mind. Coming to peace with where I am at right now. Me signing up for a 1/2 marathon is proof I'm still fighting. It's a work in progress. But I'm making progress and that is what counts right?