Making memories one day at a time.......and then I write about it.

Saturday, July 21, 2012


I am writing this as feelings are close and raw since my blog has become somewhat of my journal.
I'm writing because my heart is full of gratitude yet at the same time it is wrenching in pain.  This life is a journey.  We can't take anything but one thing for granted and that is our Father in Heaven and His plan for us, the Gospel, our Savior Jesus Christ and his atoning sacrifice which brings peace during times of trial and heartache.  (That was three things :)  I never was good at math...........)

Levi fell last night.  We were swimming.  He got out of the pool we were at and went to get into the hot tub.  He slipped on the wet cement and hit his head.  Knowing what 'could be', we grabbed The Native's and threw everyone in the truck and barreled home.  On the drive home, Levi started to experience dystonia.  Weakness on the right side of his body.  

Levi loves to ride in the car and while others go to sleep, he remains alert and looking around.  Last night, his body slumped against mine and he rested his head against my shoulder no longer able to hold his head up.  When we got home, The SM helped me get Levi into the house as he couldn't walk on his own.  We got him situated onto an air mattress and the usual process began.  The seizures and the throwing up and the agitation.  

After a few hours, about midnight it seemed Levi was through the throwing up stage and was resting.  Next thing we knew, he was agitated but in a different way.  He had a look of terror on his face.  He didn't know where he was or who we were.  He got up and started walking around the Foosball table.   After watching him and trying to console and help him for ten minutes I started to video tape for his neurologist.  

We tried chap stick.  We tried balloons.  Things that would have normally stopped Levi and he would have grabbed onto.  Nothing.  Just a look on his face that tore at my heart.  Tears running down his face and whimpering.  I wanted to scream at The SM!  Not 'at' him.  My insides were screaming.  My child didn't know me and I couldn't console him!  He wouldn't let me hold him.  He just walked around that Foosball table round and round scared!   As a mother, to not be able to console your child!  The look on his face still haunts me........

We were finally able to get Levi to lay down as he became exhausted and sleep over took.  I lay next to him watching and ready for the next round of throw up which lasted until 3:00 this morning.  Also watching as the dystonia (weakness and paralysis) would switch from side to side.

Watching....... wondering....... all night if this was it.  Is this going to be the time he won't come back to us.  I'm sorry to say that I wasn't stoic.  I didn't want to pray to God because I didn't want His will if this was the time for Levi to go.  I felt guilty but my own strength failed me.......    The SM told me that Levi was in God's hands.  I know.  I sort of prayed.  But didn't.........  Until this morning when I thanked our Father for never giving up on all of His children.

Levi is still resting.  He is asleep but, for a moment, he woke up and saw me.  The look of terror is gone.  He sees me.  Kristen stopped by to check on us and I asked him if he knew who Kristen was.  He said, "Randle".  He spoke.  Just that one word.  I asked him if he knew who I was.  He didn't speak anymore but he looked, really looked at me.

I have strong faith.  Sometimes it is less than it should be but I know that even when it is less than it should be, it will carry me through. Or the Lord will carry me through I should say.  He has never let me down in the past nor will He in the future.

"I know not what the future holds....... but I do know who holds the future!"

I believe in miracles.  Every day, week, month, year that Levi is with us is proof that miracles do, indeed, exist!

Thanks for indulging me.  


  1. I am thinking about your family and your sweet incredible Levi! We are praying for your family! I love that little boy..who is not as little anymore!! I feel so blessed to know him and to have been able to be his teacher, even though he taught me so much more! You are such an incredible and strong family! Thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts and especially your testimony on this blog. I love seeing pictures of that cute boy and his sweet smile!!

  2. This is Marybeth Cornwall, his old teacher by the way!!!

    1. :D We still remember you very well. We miss you!!!!

  3. Indulging you. There is no place far enough away to express the distance between what we feel and that. I wish I had known - but what would I have done? Been in the way. You and SM had to ride it out. You had to ride it out with yourself. Seems like you've been riding hard for a decade.

    I have not much else to say, other than what you already know I am saying.

    Courage, dear one. Faith.

  4. No words . . . just love . . . wishing you lots and lots of love.

  5. My heart aches for what you are going through. You are an inspiration for so many people because of your kind heart. Levi is so lucky to have you as his mother.

  6. My first impulse was to say, "I understand." But I really don't. I can't. I mean, I'm not sweet Levi's mother. Helplessness I understand. But not being able to comfort my child? Seeing him so hurt? So lost?

    Yes, miracles do happen.

    Sending prayers...

    And hugs to you all...

  7. So many prayers as we drove 5 hours from Raleigh, NC to the beach at Nags Head and so grateful that I was able to get on FB for 5 minutes to see your need before we left.
    You and your SM are amazing...your faith inspiring, your love, in all it's manifestations a thing of strength and beauty.
    So relieved to hear Levi seems to be on the mend once again.
    Love you!

  8. Oh, my heart. Prayers like crazy for you are happening here at my house. And leaving a comment on your blog seems like such a small thing, like not enough. Would I be in the way if I tried to do more? This is the thought that always plagues me. But the talk at the last General Conference, the one about how asking a friend in distress if they need help is like asking a drowning man if he needs help, that plagues me more.

    Prayers, hope, love... and food. All are coming your way. Maybe before you read this.

  9. My heart hit the bottom of my stomach when I heard. I sure love that goofy silly boy and his mother, one of the strongest women I know.

  10. Thank you all, my dear friends. It's been a ride. A wild ride! Made all the better by your prayers and comforting words. I am so blessed.......

  11. Well, I'm so behind on the stories of my friends and their personal trials. Your personal trial. Having no way to comfort your child must have been soooo tough. I have not been in your situation and can only imagine it.


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