I'm writing because my heart is full of gratitude yet at the same time it is wrenching in pain. This life is a journey. We can't take anything but one thing for granted and that is our Father in Heaven and His plan for us, the Gospel, our Savior Jesus Christ and his atoning sacrifice which brings peace during times of trial and heartache. (That was three things :) I never was good at math...........)
Levi fell last night. We were swimming. He got out of the pool we were at and went to get into the hot tub. He slipped on the wet cement and hit his head. Knowing what 'could be', we grabbed The Native's and threw everyone in the truck and barreled home. On the drive home, Levi started to experience dystonia. Weakness on the right side of his body.
Levi loves to ride in the car and while others go to sleep, he remains alert and looking around. Last night, his body slumped against mine and he rested his head against my shoulder no longer able to hold his head up. When we got home, The SM helped me get Levi into the house as he couldn't walk on his own. We got him situated onto an air mattress and the usual process began. The seizures and the throwing up and the agitation.
After a few hours, about midnight it seemed Levi was through the throwing up stage and was resting. Next thing we knew, he was agitated but in a different way. He had a look of terror on his face. He didn't know where he was or who we were. He got up and started walking around the Foosball table. After watching him and trying to console and help him for ten minutes I started to video tape for his neurologist.
We tried chap stick. We tried balloons. Things that would have normally stopped Levi and he would have grabbed onto. Nothing. Just a look on his face that tore at my heart. Tears running down his face and whimpering. I wanted to scream at The SM! Not 'at' him. My insides were screaming. My child didn't know me and I couldn't console him! He wouldn't let me hold him. He just walked around that Foosball table round and round scared! As a mother, to not be able to console your child! The look on his face still haunts me........
We were finally able to get Levi to lay down as he became exhausted and sleep over took. I lay next to him watching and ready for the next round of throw up which lasted until 3:00 this morning. Also watching as the dystonia (weakness and paralysis) would switch from side to side.
Watching....... wondering....... all night if this was it. Is this going to be the time he won't come back to us. I'm sorry to say that I wasn't stoic. I didn't want to pray to God because I didn't want His will if this was the time for Levi to go. I felt guilty but my own strength failed me....... The SM told me that Levi was in God's hands. I know. I sort of prayed. But didn't......... Until this morning when I thanked our Father for never giving up on all of His children.
Levi is still resting. He is asleep but, for a moment, he woke up and saw me. The look of terror is gone. He sees me. Kristen stopped by to check on us and I asked him if he knew who Kristen was. He said, "Randle". He spoke. Just that one word. I asked him if he knew who I was. He didn't speak anymore but he looked, really looked at me.
I have strong faith. Sometimes it is less than it should be but I know that even when it is less than it should be, it will carry me through. Or the Lord will carry me through I should say. He has never let me down in the past nor will He in the future.
"I know not what the future holds....... but I do know who holds the future!"
I believe in miracles. Every day, week, month, year that Levi is with us is proof that miracles do, indeed, exist!
Thanks for indulging me.