Making memories one day at a time.......and then I write about it.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Insert Swear Word

Crap!  Yes.  I just said crap!  Sorry Mum!  I keep thinking if I scream the word crap over and over while I am jumping up and down like a two year old landing on the floor it might change this crappy so far day.  Actually, the image of an almost 40 year old lady screaming crap and jumping up and down stomping makes me smile.  See?  My day is getting better already!

The alarm went off and I awoke with one of those stinging headaches in the center of my forehead.  I think someone slipped something in my water before bed because my head feels full of cotton and mush.  Mushy cotton.  Hmmm.  I look in the mirror as I stumble to the bathroom with a bladder that feels like I am trying to give birth to an entire lake held back by a flimsy piece of cardboard that is going to break at any second.   I see a face looking back in the mirror that makes me think I had a more exciting night than I remember as the bags under my eyes are packed for a trip across the world 10 times.  That is a lot of luggage people!!!  Not before the dam breaks though.  As I sit during the flood that no ark could have a prayer of surviving in I contemplate my toes.  Why did I paint them hot pink when they are covered in so many blisters they look like a hideous troll traded feet for the last few weeks?  I am told those who run marathons have frightful toes.  Blisters, toe nails turning black and falling off.  Purrrrrdy.  I know!  Let's paint them hot pink and point a neon sign that says, "Look at my grotesque toes"!!  Special.

I trundle downstairs trying to see through watery eyes and see only two Natives up and getting ready for school.  Levi is still asleep.  Fab.  Just fab.  If the boy doesn't get up with all of the noise and confusion of the other Natives it means one of two things.  Either he has had a bad night and will tumble today and NOT GOOD or............. he's had a bad night but eventually will get up but will have missed his bus and NOT GOOD!

Meanwhile, the chickens are out of water and The SM has told Mr. C to go and fill the water.  Mr. C walks in with the crappy chicken water container, crappy in that it is a piece of crap and crappy that it is covered in chicken crap that yes, he is now bringing in the house and puts on my kitchen counters and proceeds to fill because the hose outside is frozen.  Task finished he walks through my living room, out the back door, only to return a few minutes later with now empty crappy chicken water container because the thing leaked all the water all over the coop.  It is then that we notice Mr. C has chicken crap all over the bottom of his feet that he has now tracked all over the house.  At this point, be grateful I'm just saying crap because you know I'm thinking something else and needing my mouth washed out with soap.

Levi finally gets up and it is time to get dressed.  Dressing Levi is fun.  When he is done with his clothes they go right back in his drawers.  Dirty undies and all.  Try as I might.  No matter how many times I tell him, crappy undies end up back in his drawer and I get the lovely job of sorting through which ones are clean and which aren't by you guessed it.  Sniffing them out.  Sometimes, evidence saves me the disgusting hassle.  We then move onto the shirts.  Good luck finding a shirt without a big hole in the back.  Levi hates tags so before I can do anything about it, he yanks out the tags and it leaves a fabulous hole in the back of his shirt.  Fab.  Thanks Levi!  Just spent how much on new shirts and they all have holes in them........

Levi gets dressed and decides today he is going to shut down for breakfast.  Spoon feed.  I get to sit and feed him because he's shut down.  The bus is coming, we're already late, and Levi shuts down.  GREAT!
I'm shoving food in Levi's face while trying to put on his shoes and socks which is a problem because Levi wore his shoes in the ditch and now they've dried funky and the socks aren't the right ones and shove more food in his face and WHAT THE CRAP IS THAT NOISE????  The bus is early!  It's a substitute driver.  Do these drivers not understand what happens when they don't follow the routine exactly in the morning for us frantic parents????

SCREAM CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!   Argh!!!!  Levi doesn't like what follows but I do what I gotta do which means Levi went to school without his teeth brush or hair done which Levi hates having those things done anyway but it's all about routine and you have to do things in certain order and not only was the stupid bus early but it came from the other direction!  Triple whammy out of the ball park!  Different driver, different time, and different direction.  Heaven help his teacher today as Levi I'm sure will talk to her about it non-stop all day.  Oy!!

Oh oy that is not all!  I run upstairs and open Henny Penny's room to get her up for school and am hit by a semi-truck full blast in the face with a smell that has me retching!  Crap?  Did the dog do something in here??  I tell Henny Penny to find the source ASAP!  I open her window and slam her door shut as the rest of the house starts to fill with the green haze of stink bomb.  Moments later her door opens and she walks down the stairs triumphantly holding several plastic cups.  As she walks out the front door to the trash she smiles and says, "Science experiment with the ditch water"!  I don't even want to know....................  seconds later a howl from Mr. M in the upstairs bathroom.  "I almost threw up!!!  Mom!  She dumped it down the sink and it reeks"!!  The whole house smells like crap now.  I don't even want to know what was in that ditch water that became Henny Penny's experiment.  She walks back in the front door and announces that the experiment was a flop.  A plop more like...........   

I would like to bring everyone's attention to the time.  It is now 9:24 AM.  That is what you see when you look at the clock.  What I see when I look at the clock is, "Rachel, you are a crappy mom"!  Henny Penny had a music class concert at 8:45 AM that went through 9:15 AM where the class was going to showcase how they are all learning to play the ukulele.  I am sitting here in my pajamas admitting that I am one of those crap parents who couldn't be bothered to come and support their child for their little program for a half hour.  A half hour!!!

Can't be bothered.  I've got ten bags packed.  Five under each eyeball and I'm going on vacation back to bed!


  1. Holy Crap! (sorry Rachel's mom) That was enough. I've now jammed myself back into MY jammies and am going back to bed. If ANYone has issue with you missing 30 min of ANYthing this morning, you call me. My name just changed to Gweeto, and Ima coming to mess some hairs up in Provo, UT! I got yo back sista! Hee

    1. I just fell off my kitchen chair laughing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. I'm going to bed early after reading that just so I can rest on your behalf...cause I'm that kind of friend! Oh, and I will jump up and down with you and scream crap if you almost 40 year old and an almost 60 year old would just double the pleasure, double the fun!
    Only you, my friend, could take such a morning and give the rest of us a giggle for your trouble! Love you.

  3. I'm sorry. Those days are just crummy. May tomorrow be a better day!!!


  4. With all you went through...I think it's completely justifiable!

  5. Not a crappy mom, a normal mom with a normal house. Well. Pretty close to normal. If you're going to have amazingly good things happen in your house, you're also going to have amazingly bad things happen. It's the law of averages.

  6. Ugh, days like that are brutal. We have our own version of them as well. Only you sounded as though a "day" was crammed into an hour or two. Yikes. And please don't go crapping on yourself about not making your daughter's showcase. These things happen and sometimes we've just gotta roll with them. A calm sane mother is probably preferable to a chicken-germ carrying, jaw clenched, wild eyed, crazed one :-)

    1. I am laughing so hard at your response Wabi!! You got me at crapping on myself! Oh my heck!


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