The school year has started. Most of The Natives have started school. With the start of new things the use of band-aids goes way up. Levi has a new teacher, new classroom, new classmates and the destruction to his arms and legs begins all over again.
Do you know what it is like to be a parent, a mommy who knows that the outer destruction, the digging and making oneself bleed is because inside the little one is upset?
First day of school. Levi gets off the bus and is out of sorts. Very belligerent. Upset. There's no reasoning with him when he gets like this. All systems are shut off and it takes time to help him get things sorted and right again. He's sitting downstairs in the hall hunched over rocking back and forth crying. I kneel down next to him and try to talk to him noticing that I need to get enzyme cleaner to clean the carpets as he is wiping blood on them as he digs at his legs and arms.
I can put band-aids all over the sores on my sons legs and arms and I do but man it kills me! It kills me that I can't take away and heal that which makes Levi get this way in the first place!
I don't really know what the purpose of this blog post is or what I hope to accomplish...... I sent Levi off to school this morning with a prayer in my heart and hope that he'll settle in. He went to school with a headache and a bit out of sorts. I gave him medicine to help his head and have kept my phone next to me looking at it often making sure I've not missed a phone call from the school. Off he went, teeth not brushed and hair not done. Today's battle was trying to get him to eat his breakfast.
Normally I try to pull up my boot straps and end with some positive insight but today, it is raining outside. It mirrors what is happening inside. My heart and eyes are raining for my baby. My baby that hurts and no band-aid can make it better in this life time. Thank heavens for our Savior Jesus Christ and that Levi will have the best band-aid for eternity making it all better. I hold onto this....... but sometimes...... I'd like a quick fix.............
I'm sorry, Rachel. I'm genuinely sorry. Perhaps writing it down will allow those of us who read it to pick up a tiny piece of your burden and carry it for you so that you can go on with each day. I'll carry what I can for you.
ReplyDeleteThank you Anaise. Thank you.......
DeleteI will carry what I can, too. Usually sharing the burden makes it lighter, but I'm not sure in this case....
ReplyDeleteIt is really Levi who needs to share and he can't...he doesn't have the words...only the need for band-aids speak his pain into our world.
Ah...sometimes, just sometimes....
Praying with you.
Loving on you.
d.
Thank you Donna. Loving you too. :) I wish Levi could verbalize what is going on but he can't. He's just frustrated. Still is. I'm hoping by the end of this week he'll settle down. If not.... something has to change.
DeleteRachel,
ReplyDeleteI hope that the storms will soon pass for both Levi and you.
Meanwhile, my heart and my prayers are with you both.
Mindy
Thank you so much Mindy. I'm looking for the storm to end too and bring rainbows and unicorns. :)
DeleteIs Levi getting services from the autism team? Although his situation is more complex than straight forward autism (is there such a thing as straight forward autism?), he would benefit from many of the strategies used- picture schedules, social stories, etc. Maybe you've barked up that tree a long time ago, but i thought i'd bring it up. Sorry it's so hard. :(
ReplyDeleteMae Mae. I'll email you my response. :) I wish you were his teacher....... but I've told you that million times already. :D
DeleteOh, Rachel. I'm so sorry I'm late to this post. I'm so sorry that Levi, and by extension, you, are hurting. I hope things have improved in the meantime. Transitions can be so tough. Which would be a massive understatement.
ReplyDeleteIn my work I help a lot of parents of children with a developmental delay fill out applications for services and supports. When describing behavior, in the self-injury category, the most common issue is skin digging. So very, very difficult. Bandaids that help with the outer wounds are just that, bandaids. They don't address the source.
My heart goes out to you...
Thank you Wabi. The last two days have been better. I am hoping things continue to improve and Levi settles in. I just hate feeling so helpless! I'm the Mum! I'm supposed to fix things!
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