Bitter sweet

Having a baby after Levi has been a bit bitter sweet. In some ways it has been like having our first baby all over again. Both Brian and I have delighted in watching normal typical baby behavior which is ridiculous beings as he is number seven. It isn't like we've not done this a time or two and yet we forget! We'll see him playing with toys and go, "oh yea, I forgot, babies do that!" Having a baby that will snuggle with me and look me in the eye and reach out and touch my face!

Every once in awhile I can get Levi to give me a quick hug. When he was really little I couldn't put him down. I've always worn my kids on me in a pack or sling. I really wore him. By the time the others were mobile they didn't want to be held as much. Levi would cry and cry for hours and hours unless I held him. Having other children to take care of there were days when he would have to sit and cry and cry and there was nothing I could do about it. Sometimes I would put him in his crib for a few minutes, walk out onto the front porch and close the door so I couldn't hear him anymore, just sit, and regroup. I can't count the times he'd cry all night so I'd take him out to the truck so that others in the house could sleep. So, I was able to hold him then but in the last few years he doesn't want physical contact so while he is sleeping sometimes I'll sneak in bed with him just so I can hold him for a few minutes.

We knew the day would come when Jadon the baby would start to pass Levi. We didn't know the day would come so fast. We delight in watching our baby learn things and progress and yet it is tinged with an element of sadness as he passes his older brother.

Yesterday I met with the speech therapist over at the school. We were actually talking about my daughter Kirsten but when the meeting was over she asked if she could talk to me about Levi for a moment. Levi goes to her for speech. She told me with tears in her eyes how much she loved Levi. How special he was and then she said she was sorry. She couldn't help him. He wasn't getting it! I assured her not to worry. We knew this. Levi has hit a plateau. Oh I wanted to sit and cry with the therapist but it was one of those put on a brave face moments and reassure her that we knew she was doing the very best that she could. It wasn't her fault. It isn't Levi's fault. It is just the way things are. Levi has seemed to have hit a wall in some areas and I wish I knew why. We can't seem to get him off this plateau and learning again and at the same time we clap and get all excited watching his little brother climb the learning ladder. The other day Jadon pointed to the letter "R" on my shirt and said, "R"! I was so thrilled and yet, it was backed by that sadness, will Levi ever know his letters.

You know what? A thought just occurred to me that I have to reference every once in awhile. Some back ground: When I was in high school and thought things were soooooo important my father would tell me, "Rachel, it is just high school. After you leave high school you will look back and realize how trivial these things really are". I would whine and say, "But daaaaaad, I'm in high school NOOOOOW, these things are important NOW"!

So, here is my thought. Rachel, it is just high school. YES, he is going to learn his letters and so much more! This is temporary. When we get through "high school" and to the other side I'll realize how trivial my worries were/are. I just need to keep reminding myself that this is just "high school". Sure seems like a long time while you're in it though being clumsy, gawky, and having acne. Sure hope in the next life those things go away............. :o) I'm getting tired of tripping over myself.