Making memories one day at a time.......and then I write about it.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Aw Poop!

Two days ago it was glorious.  The sun was out, it was not too hot, not too cold.  It was juuuust right.

Hi!  My name is Goldilocks and I am going to tell you a story!  Just kiddin'.  My name isn't Goldilocks.  My name is Brunetilocks.  Brunetilocks in a box.  Other wise, I'd be Greylocks.  How dull.  Sounds like something you'd get out of a tin can in the tuna fish aisle.........

Sorry.  I digress.  It was a glorious day.   The outdoors called to me and I embraced it with gusto.  I grabbed my running shoes, threw on my running not pants not shorts come to my knee black stretchy things that make others run in the other direction when they see me, a top of sorts that had too much spilling out the sides, and a sweatshirt to cover up the nightmare.

I had a new trail to blaze that I'd been thinking about exploring and I decided this was the day!  Trail, means road, with lots of houses on it because The SM doesn't want me out and about running by myself and if I do..... then he wants people to be close by so if I decided to have an epileptic spasmodic convulsive fit right there  in the middle of the road someone will drive over me and put me out of my misery.  

Did I mention it was a glorious day?  It WAS!  I was trucking along jogging looking at all of the houses and trying to see into their windows and see what people do on a day like two days ago, looking in their yards so see if they have as many weeds as me, assuming if they didn't they have a hired gardener.........  I was several miles into my run when it hit.

Remember this post!!  Awww poop!

What is it with running and having to POOP!!  I'm stuck in neighborhoods that I don't know anyone!  I could knock on a strangers door again........  if I want to hit the 5:00 evening news!  Pooping Stalker Strikes Again!  You think you're bathroom is safe........ and then........ the doorbell rings...............  next thing you know, a stranger is in your bathroom and when she leaves, the paint is peeling off the walls.........

I start to play mental games.  That building up there!  It looks officey.  I bet I can sneak in the back and use their toilet!  I get closer..........  It's a juvenile center for young boys.  It's got locks on all of their doors!  What???  What is this world coming to when it starts to lock pooping runners out?

More mental games.  There's a bend.  I bet there's something around the corner.  I turn the corner.  About an 1/8th of a mile up the road I see a Honey Bucket.  Who pray tell came up with that name?  I can just see some buxom farm wife waving a rolling pin yelling at her seedy husband, HONEY!!!!  GET IT IN THE BUCKET!!!

I get closer to the Honey Bucket and I start to have a conversation in my head.

Me:  Phew!  You dont' have to knock on a strangers door!
Me:  It's a Honey Bucket...... it's there for the construction workers working on the road.
Me:  Yeah!  Who cares!  It's a flipping Honey Bucket!
Me:  There are two men standing by it.
Me:  Who cares!  It's a flipping Honey Bucket!
Me:  I bet men have peed all over the floor and seat in that thing.
Me:  You're right, let's see what is up and around the next bend.

I keep running telling myself that I know there is a church coming up soon.  Helllooooo!  I live in Utah!  There's a church on every street corner!  I make it to the church.  I'm proud of myself.  Dang proud!  I haven't pooped my pants.  I've made it!  I'm saved!!!!  The doors are locked........  I'm sure there is a metaphor here.......

More mind games.

Me:  You've been able to hold it this far and it doesn't seem to be getting any worse.  The pressure isn't building.
Me:  True......  I bet it is just my imagination playing with me.  I bet I don't have to poop for reals.
Me:  Oh I bet you're right!  I bet this is one of those mental game things trying to make it harder on you.
Me:  I'm so glad we're a lot smarter than my mind.

I keep running.  Only you can't call it running because I'm now grimacing and squeezing my butt cheeks so hard, my hips are tilted under, I now resemble a dog that has been whooped and has it's tail between it's legs. If I had on corduroy pants they'd be making a 'rip rip rip' sound my inner thighs were squeezed so tight.

The last stretch home.  The stretch I was on when I had to knock on that strangers house.  Still trucking along.  I can see the gas station up ahead.  It's in my grasp.  I'm almost there!  I CAN DO THIS!!!  I'm so excited.  I'm so excited I forget to keep squeezing as I pass THE HOUSE................  the pressure I'd convinced myself that wasn't building hits with full force.

Me:  I KNOW!
Me:  We are SO not stopping AT THAT HOUSE AGAIN!
Me:  What do you suggest?

I obey.  I squeeze.  I refuse to look at the house.  I imagine the owner is looking out his window.  He sees me.  He can see by the way I am squrching (that's a cross between squeezing and lurching) down the road that I've got to poop again.  He's laughing at me.  JERK!

I hate public bathrooms.  They disgust me.  Gas station bathrooms especially.  I made it to the gas station.  I sprinted to the bathroom.  I sat down and the biggest sigh of happiness came out of my mouth.  I love that bathroom.  It's a public bathroom.  It disgusts me.  It's a gas station bathroom.  WE ALL HAVE OUR FAULTS!!  Get over it!  

Today is a glorious day.  I am going to go running.  If you see me squatting beside the road do me a favor?  Pretend with me that you imagine I am down examining some pretty rocks.  Just smile and look the other way and if I call you from the police station because I've been arrested for indecent exposure, just come and bail me out.  No questions asked.  Remember, my name is Goldilocks.  I have a history of going into strangers houses/bathrooms, jumping out windows, and running all the way home.


  1. This is reason enough to not take up running.

    1. No it isn't!! 95% of the time it's just plain fun! :D

  2. I can't even believe you and you thought up all this hilarity! Well, not the having to poop part, but the recounting of the whole sordid adventure. Is a measly half marathon really worth all of this stress and squrching? I had to leave school early on Monday for this very reason. I had already availed myself of the facilities in the tiny teacher's lounge twice...with poor teachers trying to enjoy their planning period hearing all of my distress....TWICE! Gave up and prayed that I could make it home (5 minute drive and run up stairs). I made it, too, thanks to quite a bit of squeezing of my own gluteus maximus!
    You absolutely crack me up! Oh, and I got to use the 'This too shall pass' line yesterday! teehee
    Will they have HoneyPots (we just call ours PortaPotties) along the race route?

    1. I am so glad I wasn't one of the teachers in the teachers lounge. Not to laugh at your expense but I would have! I'm one of those immature people that if I'm in a public restroom and someone farts I start giggling uncontrollably. I find farts funny. Plain and simple.

      This morning while squeezing my conditioner for my hair in the shower it made such a noise that had me giggling and the bottle of conditioner blushing............ I'm hopeless.

      You got to use the "This too shall pass" line! Oh that is awesome!! And how was it received??? :D

      They better have Honey Buckets along the race route or the populace is in big trouble when they see my hiney hanging out along the roadway! I don't know when they went from PortaPotties to Honey Buckets..... like changing the name can somehow make them pleasant? Gee! These new PortaPotties are soooo nice! I want one in my front room!

    2. Never heard the expression myself. I do NOT know what I see in you. And my people were southern - good old down to earth folks. I'm thinking Montana must be one very earthy place -

    3. I know....... I'm sorry....... I had a friend once when I was little who passed gas. I busted up laughing and then turned red in the face. She was so disgusted in me. COME ON! THAT WAS FUNNY! She didn't think so........ I know I should be more grown up and mature and not laugh at bodily functions but............ life is too short. It happens!! Mine as well laugh at it!!

    4. Oh dear, we are going to be in trouble when we get together...well, maybe Kristen is going to be in trouble! Farts ... I could go on and on...oh, no, that's not what I meant to say...heheehehe.
      It took me years to loosen up my husband about the whole joy of farting thing.

      Here's a saying for you....Better to fart and bear the shame, than not and bear the pain.

      This too shall pass...a BIG hit! It will soon be a phenom on this side of the country.

      Kristen, what expression have you never heard of?

    5. I am laughing and clapping!!! I'm amazed I haven't broken Kristen in yet! Maybe between the two of us windbags. :D Yet another awesome saying to add to my repertoire. :D

    6. It's not a matter of being broken in. I am a CIVILIZED PERSON. But you should have heard Chaz, Murphy and me last summer when we were on our way to Santa Fe - it got really, really late and suddenly, our punning games turned into THIS kind of thing. And it didn't help when Char was trying to tell us that she wasn't feeling that well. "I was sitting there in that restroom," she said, "and then it was like the earth just started to move under me."

      It was really late at night . . .

    7. Which is the best time of day/night because you don't have to even TRY to be funny. Everything is!

    8. Evidently even the more civilized among us have a little whack-o lurking within late at night!

  3. What a pain in the butt. Literally and figuratively. Glad to hear you found a bathroom.

    1. It was!! I was glad I found a bathroom too! It could have been disastrous. And then I would have had to write about THAT! Lucky for all of you I made it!

  4. Maybe I'm just going to have to put a chip in you so I can track you all day. If I see you moving away from the house at a dog-trot, I'll know to pay attention. And when I see you double back at three times the speed, I'll just in the car and grab you off the street. I just can't take you anywhere.

    1. You can't take me anywhere??? And yet you do........ despite my 'earthiness'. :) That would be fabulous though if you'd keep track of me. I'd love a rescue so I can make it to the biffy.

  5. Thats two of your posts today that have had me in stitches! I can relate to your story. Last year my girlfriend and I were meeting at the local Hill and walking to the summit. Its about a 2km hike straight up the side of the hill...a killer but great for fitness. I am not doing it anymore as a. my friend moved :-(( and b. my poor knees couldn't take the decent. Now I climb a hill behind the house with horse in tow and then ride the horse home so I don't have the awful jarring of my knees :-) Anyway one day I went up the hill and didn't stop for a loo stop beforehand because I was running late. I can tell you it is really hard to come down with butt cheeks clenched....took me ages and I finally made it back to the car and drove like a rocket to the loo. My friend is like you and just killed herself laughing :-) I have to say I only ever did it ONCE, didn't you get it the first time?? ;-)

  6. Wanna know something funny to me? Kristen gives me a hard time about how immature I am....... this poo post got more hits on my blog than I've gotten on any other post I think ever. Which!!! Goes to show, there are a whole lot more immature people out there hiding in the bushes!!! Cuz hardly any of them posted a comment! I think that is hysterical....... cuz I'm immature like that. :D

    Did I get it the first time? NOOO! I never do. Or the second, or the third, or the....... what in the world would I find to write about if I started figuring stuff out? :D

  7. Bahahahaaa you killed that one! As a distance runner i can relate in a way no others can! I can't stop laughing :) i was in the last 6 miles of my marathon last year and had to do the cross legged dash to the porta potty or it was gonna be a very interesting finish!! Only hurt my time by 2 minutes! Who knew you could take care of "business" so fast!!

    1. I knew you'd appreciate this post. :) When it's time to do business, business is business. Ger er done! :D


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