Making memories one day at a time.......and then I write about it.

Saturday, November 1, 2014


I had a realization this week.  A dumb one.  A lame one.  Which makes it being a big deal to me just plain stupid.  No, seriously!  It's stupid, only...... I have to convince myself of that.  That I am making a bigger deal than this 'thing' really is.

So, here's the deal Sparky!  It's Zoe.  The service dog.  I'm used to Levi having special needs.  I love him.  Everything about him.  I don't mind that he has a dog.  In fact, I love that it results in people coming up and talking to him because of his dog.  "His" dog....

Only..... Zoe isn't just Levi's dog.  She's mine too.  I hate admitting that.  I feel vulnerable.  When I am out and about by myself with Zoe, people ask me all of the time who I am training her for, what she is being trained for, etc.  And I get all red in the face.  I have no problem saying she is for my son who has autism.  It is way easier to say he has autism than to go into the whole spiel about what he really has and that autism is a side affect.  Autism is something people recognize.  No biggie!

"Oh how sweet"!  Yeah.  Isn't it?!  It's the other part.  Admitting that she is also a service dog for me.  For my seizures.  Why is that so hard to admit to people?  Because they all of a sudden look at me different.  Wow.  That hurts.  It shouldn't.  But it does.  And, it hurts that I even have to go there, ya know?  That I even have seizures now.  I don't want pity.  I don't like standing out and having people approach me all of the time now.  People stare.  I'm no longer just another face in the crowd. Everything takes a lot longer.  Can't just go to the grocery store and run in and out because everyone wants to talk to me about the dog and then, me all red faced saying she's for my son and not wanting to admit she's also for me so I leave that part out...........

I'm an outgoing person.  On my terms.  Having Zoe with me all of the time now, nothing is on my terms anymore.  I'm either stared at, talked about (children mostly squealing and bringing the dog in public to their parents attention-I don't mind them), or approached and asked questions.  My favorite are the people who think because I have a dog, I must be slow and hard of hearing.  Those I get a good chuckle at.

Vulnerable.  That is how this all makes me feel.  I don't like feeling vulnerable.  And yet, the whole purpose of Zoe for Levi is to draw people to him.  Well, one of the purposes.  Like I said, with him, I'm totally cool with it.  It's me that I'm not cool with.  Who knew I was so insecure?!

Which is stupid!!  And there is my confession!


  1. Please don't feel stupid. I just talked to my sister yesterday who feels stupid for being afraid of her 3 hour glucose test because she knows it's really no big deal, but for some reason it strikes terror in her heart. She told me her friend just had an ultrasound and found out there's something wrong with her baby's heart, and here she (my sister) is "stupidly" afraid of a little lab test. A year ago I had a several month long crisis of testimony over a "stupid" reason. I couldn't figure out why something small would knock my world askew when there were people dealing with real crises who stood strong and faithful.

    Whatever our tests are, they are real. I'm sorry that you have to deal with seizures and other health issues that make you feel vulnerable. I think it's perfectly reasonable to be private about Zoe's dual role in your family. I don't think you're stupid at all--for needing her, for feeling vulnerable, for being embarrassed, for needing some privacy (on your own terms), or anything.

    I'm glad you have Zoe--for you and for Levi.

    1. Oh I would be afraid of that 3 hour glucose test! Afraid I wouldn't keep my cookies down! :) I remember those things and I hated them! I still can't look at orange soda without feeling a little sick to my stomach. :D

      In all seriousness, thank you Anaise for your sweet comments and reassurances and reminder that these are all tests. For what ever reason, one test to one is completely different to another. What is a big deal for you or me might be a walk in the park for another. Thanks for being in my corner for me!

  2. Not stupid at all. As parents we all like to discuss our children it almost becomes a cover for not having to discuss things about ourselves that we don't necessarily like to admit to. Having Zoe for Levi being a prime example. When you're out and about and people ask about her you are more than happy to tell people the role she plays for Levi but not for yourself. Sometimes it's because we loose our identities and becomes somebody's wife or mum and now all of a sudden you have to talk about yourself which isn't always easy, but with the help of Zoe you will get there may be start with not telling people it's because you have seizures but maybe you could say she is to help Levi and to assist you with your own health issues that you wouldn't want to bore them with. but needless to say Zoe is a much treasured family dog.

    Hope that helps


    1. Mitzi, That DOES help. Just having so many in my corner is helpful. Baby steps. :)

      Zoe is a treasure. We're realizing more and more what a treasure she is!


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