With Levi being so sick, The SM and I have been taking turns sleeping with him. Last night, it was my turn. Levi has been down on the couch. I had The SM help me get out the blow up mattress and set me up a nice little bed next to him. As I tried to get some sleep, I listened to Levi's breathing. His breathing since being sick has been very labored, loud, and fast. As I dozed off and on, his breathing was always in the background. And then, it wasn't. I jerked awake realizing that I couldn't hear him breathing anymore. I jumped off the mattress and felt his chest. Nothing. I felt his tummy to see if it was going up and down with his breaths. Nothing. I think I said aloud, but I'm not sure, I know I thought it, "Dear God in Heaven please, no"! and I shook Levi.
Levi made a noise. A complaint maybe, rolled over, and went back to sleep. The reassuring sleep I'd been listening to earlier. The rapid loud breaths. And I breathed a prayer of thanks. I don't know if Levi had stopped breathing and I was warned by a Heavenly Being and jerked awake to shake him to get him started again, goodness knows there have been many times in the past where that has happened, or if he was just breathing shallow. Either way, a prayer of thanks that Levi is with us yet another day.
When Levi was little, I felt like I couldn't let him out of my sight for a second. I was so worried about losing him. It took me a long time to finally come to the place where I could place him in God's hands and realize that no matter how good of a mother I could be, when it was time for Levi to go back home, there was nothing I could do about it.
That was huge for me. It gave me permission to be able to put Levi in his crib, turn out the light, shut the door, and go and sleep in my bed. Each night, I would (and still do) pray asking that he be watched over. I also talk to my grandma that has passed to watch over my boy.
For so long I lived with the fear that I would lose Levi and yet, for so many years and continuing today, Levi has had many opportunities to be called home and he hasn't! That was another realization that I had to come to. As much time as I was spending worried about Levi leaving me, the Lord has shown me time and time again that it isn't his time! Levi still has much to do here on earth and there have been countless times when I have been made aware of situations (like last night) when I would notice he'd stopped breathing and bounced him back, or the time he fell out of the second story window and landed in the only place under the window that didn't have the wood pile. All around there was the wood pile and other things that would have ended his life had he fallen onto them but the one place that was grass.......... the list goes on and on!
So, this evening, as I thought about what happened last night and it hit me, the 'what could have happened', I allowed myself to have an emotional moment, took a deep breath, tearfully sent up another prayer of thanks, shook myself, and moved on.......... I think......... the amount of emotional eating I've been doing this evening might say otherwise. No judging. We all have our coping mechanisms.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say with this post. Just working through some thoughts I've had this evening. Thoughts that have resurfaced. What ever my bumbling mumbling thoughts may be, there is one thing I know for sure and that is that we have a loving Father in Heaven who knows each one of us. He loves us. He knows us by name. He knows this is hard, being a parent, for He is a parent, and no matter what happens....... all will be well.