Making memories one day at a time.......and then I write about it.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Connections



I really don't know how to explain what I am about to write. It's a connection. A connection that unless you have it, I am sure to others may seem childish. Silly. Maybe everyone has these types of connections with 'something' mine just happens to be with a horse. A horse that I no longer own but lives close by and I am able to see and ride him often. But he's not mine anymore. I had to sell my horses because of the WNV.

This summer has been pretty close to great. Not what I've wished it to be, meaning like I was before WNV but in spite of WNV it has been great. I've had a lot of really good days and as always when this happens...... I start to hope. Hope that WNV was something of the past.

Monday night I went down fast and hard. I haven't had a seizure in a very long time. I was angry. I was frustrated.

Tuesday I had things I needed to do. We had a scout court of honor that I was in charge of all of the awards for. 85 merit badges and close to 20 rank advancements. I was dizzy, weak, and tired but spent the entire day running back and forth to the scout office making sure I had everything ready to go for the evening. It was a difficult day but I know that my Heavenly Father gave me the strength to get done what needed to be gotten done. I know this without a doubt.

Wednesday, I couldn't get out of bed. I tried several times but wasn't able to.

For over a week now my heart has been aching to spend time with my horse that is no longer mine. Yesterday it was all I could think of. If I could just get out of bed and go to him. Just stand next to him, I know I could feel better! As I said, I know this doesn't make sense unless you've felt this but it is what it is. It's more than just a little girl dreaming of her pony.

Finally, last night I was able to get out of bed. I had enough strength to get dressed, brush my teeth, and head out to the pasture. Should I have been driving? No. But I did it anyway. I drove with a prayer in my heart that my horse would be there, no one would be riding him, and I could have him to myself for a little while. (He is located where horse riding lessons are given.)

I walked up to him as he sat with a hip cocked, sun on his back, and I wrapped my arms around and sobbed into his neck. He didn't move, he just stood there and let me lean against him. I breathed in the night air, I breathed him in, and I felt stronger. Arms that could hardly lift themselves started to brush him and all this time, he sat there with his head quietly over my shoulder. It lasted for about an hour or more. Who knows. We watched the sun go down and then the stars one by one come out.

I am trying to once again be positive even though I am devastated that once again I have to pick up and dust myself off again. I am grateful for children who take care of each other while I am down. I am grateful to our piano teacher Mike Carson who can come in and see past the mess and chaos and continue business as usual teaching The Native's to play music that soothes my soul and heart. I am grateful for The SM who after working all day and commuting for hours comes home and takes such good care of us all and who doesn't say a word or hold me back when I tell him I'm going to the pasture. I am grateful that even though I had to sell my horse that he is somewhat close by and I can see him often. It's not the same as owning him and having him near me, but it is better than the alternative which is what happened to my other horse.... so I am grateful.

I am grateful for a nice bed to rest in. I am grateful The Native's aren't starving and for stores that put cold cereal on sale. Even the youngest can pour a bowl of cold cereal...... I am grateful for children who come and sit on my bed and talk to me and tell me about their day. I am grateful for the internet which connects me to all of you. I am grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who is watching over me and my little family and blessing us each and every day and the knowledge that if my horse has to be sold far away, my connection with my Heavenly Father is stronger and will heal and make all things good and well again in my heart.

Crossing my fingers it doesn't come to that....... A person can hope right? I'm hoping for the fairy tale ending where I can go and bring my horse back home again and I can say, "And we all lived happily ever after!" Then again, to make it a perfect fairy tale..... my horse wouldn't poop. Have you ever seen a horse poop in a fairy tale? Yeah. Me neither.

20 comments:

  1. Dear Rachel,
    Reading this, I had tears rolling down my cheeks... Sending you so much love and light:)
    xo
    Linda

    ReplyDelete
  2. What a tough lady you are. I'm so sorry about that darn WNV! And so thankful that you have been so blessed through it all. Sending prayers in your behalf... Corine

    PS I totally understand the whole "connection" thing... so strong, so powerful, so wonderful, and sometimes so painful during separation. I hope and pray that you get to be with your/notyour horse again. He still feels like yours, doesn't he? And you long to call him yours, don't you? Yeah... I understand. Again, sending out prayers for you that one day he will be yours again. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Your connection is important.

    I'm glad you have it and for your expression of gratitude.

    I miss the ocean--is it possible to have a connection with something that does not connect in return?

    ReplyDelete
  4. yes. i was just going to say, nature. we can have such a connection with nature. i also have one with the ocean.

    you are stronger than most on your weakest day rachel. i am so sorry you hurt.

    ReplyDelete
  5. That picture of you is AMAZING! Rachel, I am so glad you have somewhere you can go that gives you strength. My hope is that everybody would have that same self-awareness. Good for you (and know that you are an inspiration!).

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm thankful for Internet connections that me to reconnect with you after so many years. Just know that there are many people who love you and pray for you, no matter how time and distance separate. Hoping you find the solace you need in your husband, children, home and horse.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Rachel,
    So sorry to hear that you have relapsed. I too was feeling better for awhile and have started to get sicker again. I can't believe that we both have a child with AHC and also a chronic illness. If you ever need someone to talk to you can always call me. I am home much of the time also. Hang in there and know that Heavenly Father loves you and will get you through this. Take Care,

    Chrystal

    ReplyDelete
  8. And where was I in all of this? I should have been there for you.

    ReplyDelete
  9. You made me cry....I know that connection its the ONLY thing that makes us whole!! check out my post about climbing mountains and you will see we are on the same page :-)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Linda- Warm thanks to you. I'm feeling it! Both the love and the light. Tomorrow is another day to grab hold of. I'm looking forward to it.

    Corine- Thank you. Yeah, you do understand because you just described it so obviously you've lived/live it as well. Bummer for us eh? Happy endings to us both.

    Anaise- Absolutely! I say absolutely because I have that connection with the mountains. I grew up in them and refuse to leave them. My soul hungers and aches for them when I am away even for just a week. So yes, the ocean for you is what the mountains are for me.

    Misty- With friends like you how can I hurt for very long. Not possible! :D You've put a smile on my face. Get to the ocean girl! It is calling..... answer it.

    Lyndee- It is a blessing and I need to keep reminding myself instead of wallowing in self pitty like I do from time to time. Waiting to hear how things are going with you my dear!!

    Korrie- It has been wonderful reconnecting hasn't it? I am looking forward to seeing you in a few weeks!! Thank you for your love and prayers. It means a lot. It's all about family isn't it. Extended family as well. :D Glad we are sisters!! We can thank my brother for that! Being a smart man marrying your sister. And we can thank your sister for putting up with my brother!! :D

    Chrystal- It is odd. So much in common. One of the many things is our testimony of Heavenly Father's love for us. I've no doubt of that.

    Kristen- You were on the phone with me remember? Talking to me so that I could focus. You were there...... as you always are.

    Baa-Me Knits- Sorry to make you cry! :D I'll go and check out your blog post. Having a connection to mountains makes us on more than one page. The mountains are a huge part of who I am. Yes, I understand about mountains and connections. Thank you for your comment.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Baa-Me Knits- I read your post. Okay, so Mt. Everest!! A different sort of mountain but yeah I get it. And a huge accomplishment might I add with you and Tadpole. Good on ya mate! :D Well done!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Rachael after I rode Tadpole he came up to me in the paddock and rested his head over my shoulder....we stood like that for about 20 mins just being with each other....pure magic! I do also live at the top of the mountains of sorts if you can call the hills around Cairns mountains?? :-)

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hills/mountains. They both require energy to climb right? ;) I love it after working with a horse and they are all quiet and submisive and follow you around when you start to walk away. Lick and chew baby!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Crud.
    Look what happens when I get behind in reading blogs- you crash and burn and I have no idea. This post is a few days old; how are you today after the big party yesterday?

    This post was a classic Rachel post. Tears through most of it, with a good laugh at the end.

    Keep your chin up and don't forget some other connections that are always willing to help

    ReplyDelete
  15. Rachel - I read your comment to me and had to comment back. I understood from past experience... for me it meant letting go; hopefully you won't have to. Happy ending to YOU! ;0

    ReplyDelete
  16. Corinie- Aw really? Now that just stinks. The whole letting go thing. I just don't like it! Not one bit!

    Natalie- You are wonderful you know that? Yeah. I know. And I do appreciate knowing/having you right down the street.

    ReplyDelete
  17. This was beautiful my dear. I too "get" the connection thing as you described. Sometimes I think perhaps we have them to help get us through the bad days. Dunno. I am just greatful God is filling your heart my dear. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I feel the same way about my physical therapist as you do your horse. Sometimes I cry just thinking about getting to go see him. So far I've been able to refrain from throwing my arms around his neck and sobbing, though. But it could happen. My PT restores my body, and a bit of my soul. Sundance restores my soul, too. I hear ya.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Jody, Anything to get through the bad days!

    Kathy, Does Dirk know about this? :D

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hi Rachel. :) In response to your comment back, Oh no! Letting go is seriously HARD but sometimes it is also seriously GOOD. :D

    Life should be filled with good memories, happy thoughts, and gratitude for what we have; not regret or wanting for what we don't have. So letting go can be a wonderful thing! ;)

    PS Thanks for visiting my blog yesterday. I got home late at night and haven’t responded yet.

    ReplyDelete

Go ahead..you know ya wanna comment!