Thursday, August 12, 2010
I really don't know how to explain what I am about to write. It's a connection. A connection that unless you have it, I am sure to others may seem childish. Silly. Maybe everyone has these types of connections with 'something' mine just happens to be with a horse. A horse that I no longer own but lives close by and I am able to see and ride him often. But he's not mine anymore. I had to sell my horses because of the WNV.
This summer has been pretty close to great. Not what I've wished it to be, meaning like I was before WNV but in spite of WNV it has been great. I've had a lot of really good days and as always when this happens...... I start to hope. Hope that WNV was something of the past.
Monday night I went down fast and hard. I haven't had a seizure in a very long time. I was angry. I was frustrated.
Tuesday I had things I needed to do. We had a scout court of honor that I was in charge of all of the awards for. 85 merit badges and close to 20 rank advancements. I was dizzy, weak, and tired but spent the entire day running back and forth to the scout office making sure I had everything ready to go for the evening. It was a difficult day but I know that my Heavenly Father gave me the strength to get done what needed to be gotten done. I know this without a doubt.
Wednesday, I couldn't get out of bed. I tried several times but wasn't able to.
For over a week now my heart has been aching to spend time with my horse that is no longer mine. Yesterday it was all I could think of. If I could just get out of bed and go to him. Just stand next to him, I know I could feel better! As I said, I know this doesn't make sense unless you've felt this but it is what it is. It's more than just a little girl dreaming of her pony.
Finally, last night I was able to get out of bed. I had enough strength to get dressed, brush my teeth, and head out to the pasture. Should I have been driving? No. But I did it anyway. I drove with a prayer in my heart that my horse would be there, no one would be riding him, and I could have him to myself for a little while. (He is located where horse riding lessons are given.)
I walked up to him as he sat with a hip cocked, sun on his back, and I wrapped my arms around and sobbed into his neck. He didn't move, he just stood there and let me lean against him. I breathed in the night air, I breathed him in, and I felt stronger. Arms that could hardly lift themselves started to brush him and all this time, he sat there with his head quietly over my shoulder. It lasted for about an hour or more. Who knows. We watched the sun go down and then the stars one by one come out.
I am trying to once again be positive even though I am devastated that once again I have to pick up and dust myself off again. I am grateful for children who take care of each other while I am down. I am grateful to our piano teacher Mike Carson who can come in and see past the mess and chaos and continue business as usual teaching The Native's to play music that soothes my soul and heart. I am grateful for The SM who after working all day and commuting for hours comes home and takes such good care of us all and who doesn't say a word or hold me back when I tell him I'm going to the pasture. I am grateful that even though I had to sell my horse that he is somewhat close by and I can see him often. It's not the same as owning him and having him near me, but it is better than the alternative which is what happened to my other horse.... so I am grateful.
I am grateful for a nice bed to rest in. I am grateful The Native's aren't starving and for stores that put cold cereal on sale. Even the youngest can pour a bowl of cold cereal...... I am grateful for children who come and sit on my bed and talk to me and tell me about their day. I am grateful for the internet which connects me to all of you. I am grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who is watching over me and my little family and blessing us each and every day and the knowledge that if my horse has to be sold far away, my connection with my Heavenly Father is stronger and will heal and make all things good and well again in my heart.
Crossing my fingers it doesn't come to that....... A person can hope right? I'm hoping for the fairy tale ending where I can go and bring my horse back home again and I can say, "And we all lived happily ever after!" Then again, to make it a perfect fairy tale..... my horse wouldn't poop. Have you ever seen a horse poop in a fairy tale? Yeah. Me neither.