For some reason in my mind I had it figured that when spring and summer came, with the warm weather I'd get better. That was how it was going to be so when I had this last bit of a set back in February it really hit me hard (hence the feeling so down last week) because I realized that I will be spending yet another summer on the couch watching my yard, flower beds, and gardens sink further into the garden of weedin's. The long horse back rides I used to take, the miles I'd run, the camping......
Through all of this I've said that I've known that I may be like this for the rest of my life and, "Come What May, and Love It", but under it all I was sure I was going to get better. This past set back made me realize that no, I just may very well be like this for the rest of my life here on earth and as I was boxing up my sewing machine and the sewing project I had been trying so hard to finish but wasn't able to......it was just more of my life being boxed up and put away. I told my SM that I felt like all I was was a cheap babysitter until he could get home from work and take over.
A few days ago my SM called me from work and asked me if I was free this weekend, could he take me out on a date. I told him I'd have to look at my calendar because being president of the couch potato society is really quite time consuming. Amazingly I had an open slot. Last night he took me out to dinner and then to the play, "Polly". Absolutely wonderful and amazing.
In one part Polly talks about the things that she's made with her hands, how they do not last and are moth eaten and turn to dust over time but that the one thing she gives which is lasting, is love. During the intermission I turned to my SM and asked him perhaps maybe is it better that I am here with he and the kids than not? I can give love if nothing else.
He was shocked that I would even think such a thing ,the family being better off without me (I wasn't being suicidal or thinking of leaving, just feeling like dead weight and a burden) and told me that we were a team and he and the kids would be devastated if I weren't with them. I told him we were NOT a team anymore. I wasn't doing anything. He had to take care not only me, now but the kids and everything I used to do.
Intermission ended and so did the conversation until later. My SM explained to me that every day I do the best I can. I do everything I can possibly do for our family right? Even if all it is is smile and greet them cheerfully at the door when they get home that was the best I could do for that day. I told him that yes, I did try to do everything that I could. He said that so did he. Every day he did the best he could. We both did the best that we could for our family and that made us a team.
So, with God as our coach, the gospel as our game plan, the scriptures as our strategy, eternal marriage as the winning trophy........go Rubow Team!
Rachel, Rachel, Rachel I know you are feeling down-probably so low your licking the bottom of your shoes-trust me I can relate more than you could possibly ever know, especially the burden part. I feel that way a lot, more at times then others-especially lately-.There are so many beautiful ladies that I have to rely on through-out my day, -out side of the health care agency-I even feel a burden to them-.But the beautiful ladies that I have to call on daily are so kind, ,but honestly in the back of my mind when i call them, i can imagine them saying, "oh, it's Pam again". I wish didn't have to call on them, but am grateful they are there.There are day's I wish i could take my ball and go home, but alas i can't, not yet. I have to find solace in "endure to the end".
ReplyDeleteSome days that's hard to do, especially lately. This may not be making any sence, but what i am trying to say is: don't give up on getting better, because you possibly can.You have a beautiful family,who love you. There is always someone worse off then you are, if you have to look at me to realize that and all that you have, then by all means do so.Right know-emotionally- I wish i could tell you that everything will be all right, but at this moment I can't. But as Kathy Busker said once, "this to shall pass, it didn't come to stay".
You can take that sentence in many ways, but it's up to the individual to take it and digest it how they want. I know days feel darker than dark, and there days that the sun is so warm and bright that you wish it would never go away. I right now am trying my hardest to hope for that warm bright sun and just to plan COPE with the cards i have been dealt, it's hard but i know it can be done, or i would have folded a long time ago.JUST HANG IN THERE, RACHEL. PJS
What a beautiful answer Pam gave you, baby. And as often as you need to be reminded that you are precious and that you mean something, even in our lives, blocks and blocks away from your house, I will tell you gladly.
ReplyDeleteWhat great replies from your SM, Pam, and K!
ReplyDeleteGO TEAM RUBOW!!! How hard life can be sometimes, it would be so easy to give up. You are so lucky to have your SM who sounds like the best coach and teammate!! Rachel you deserve the MVP award FOR SURE!! Your family NEEDS you even if you just lay on the couch all day. You have such a sweet spirit!! Life doesn't always go as planned, but I'm tellin ya you are such a strong woman and I have always admired you and will continue to. Just keep up the great couch potato sitting!! I'm rootin' for ya. pun intended I guess??
ReplyDeleteRachel, you are so amazing! I love the way you and your family look at life. All of these people gave such great replies... You mean so much to all of us so please don't forget that.
ReplyDeleteYou truely are loved. That Man of yours is a special gift, but he is totally right! You are a wonderful team TOGETHER! And as one who has lost both of her parents when I was a child, your children NEED you, even if it is just for that smile! Hang in there! Know that you really are loved and needed, and NOT just by your family. :D
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