Levi and hope

I realize that my next statement will be humorous to those that really know me but here goes.......I am trying to be serious. (I know, I know.......me being serious BUT I AM.)

It has been six months since Levi has had a full blown attack! He has had problems and issues but not a full blown AHC attack. I am trying to be realistic here but there is this HUGE part of me that wants to think, hey, maybe it is over! Can that be possible? Okay, so I look at him and he is still mentally handicapped and he does things like today where when I picked him up from school he came running up to me and said, "hi mom, nice ta meet ya"! (Where in the world did he pick that up from?) It was the darned cutest thing though. Or the other night he was so proud of himself because he'd finally eaten all of his peas and so with a mouth stuffed with peas he spewed them forth as he proudly said, "I eat my peas mom"! At least that is what it was supposed to sound like. Kind of hard when your mouth is full of mashed peas and they are flying out of your mouth while talking. Hard for mom to keep a straight face. Who am I fooling? I didn't. I busted up laughing.

Anyway.........I look at him and I think, do I dare hope? Is it possible to someday look back and say, "ya, remember when? Those sure were tough times but it only lasted for the first six years of his life and he has been normal since"! Wouldn't that be nice?

Would people think me a horrible mom if I admitted that changing his diapers and dressing him everyday and feeding him and bathing him etc. etc. etc. is tiring and it would be so nice if he could do these things himself.......

Today while at the grocery store he started to melt and as I watched him and the concerned produce man came and offered he and his brother who was also melting a banana I thought, I bet he thinks Levi is a badly behaved child and I'm a horrible mother for not having better behaved children. It occurred to me when I introduced Levi to someone recently and he looked at them and said, "I'm handicapped" that I must tell people this often to justify why he acts the way he does instead of shrugging off his behavior and letting them think what they want.

Sometimes people try to engage Levi in conversation and then look at me puzzled when he either doesn't answer or he answers in garbly goosh and then I tell them, "he's handicapped". Do I tell them this to make me feel better? That somehow it is a reflection on me if he acts like oh my goodness!!! A two year old?

I do expect certain behavior from Levi. I don't care how old he is mentally. He can't act naughty. It is interesting though people's reactions. At first they see a big child acting like a two year old and sniff down their noses. As soon as they find out he is handicapped they are all sympathetic. Kind of irritating in some ways and yet eye opening in others. Makes me realize when I see a child acting like a beast with an exasperated mother I'm not so quick to judge.

So, I keep hoping. I want to hope. Dare I hope?