This is going to sound really weird but then why should anyone be surprised to hear me say anything weird?
I've been thinking about Levi and the ups and downs we've had and I think that I am a coward in some ways. It is "easy" to think about him passing and what I "think" (because one can not even fathom what one would do unless they actually experienced the situation) I would do and yet facing him living sometimes is even harder. The day to day grind. I thought to myself this morning, "quit thinking of him passing Rachel and LIVE! Pretend he is going to live a really long healthy life and get over the drama of "if he goes..........". In some ways.......that is also hard to face..........it is a lot of hard work. Don't get me wrong. I would have it no other way. I love Levi beyond even my understanding. It is just exhausting and hard work having him live too......and that makes me sound like a really horrible mother...........The longer he is with us........the harder it will be when the time comes.
Today he took FOREVER to get to school. At one point I had to carry him across the street kicking and screaming because there were cars and even though they were waiting for us THERE WERE CARS AND WE CAN'T CROSS THE STREET! How do you explain to him that sometimes it is okay to go in the street when there are cars..........I need to go and lift more weights. He is just getting too big for me to lug around.
I would imagine it would be so hard--I think I would feel the exact same way.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's so funny because a lot of the things he does remind me of things Max has done. Max about had a fit when we crossed the street the other day because there was a car three blocks away. It's so hard to explain how rules apply sometimes and not other times. And yeah, go lift some weights you cute skinny thing!
You do NOT sound like a horrible mother. You sound like an honest, loving, serving, worn out person. All of the things you said were true and totally understandable. And the hardest truth of all, baby - some day he will be too big for you to handle, and you won't be able to keep him safe. There is nothing easy about this, no aspect of it that isn't painful and isn't going to be painful. But you are made of steel. You are made of strong, strong stuff. And you will get through it - and whatever happens, he is loved more by you than he could have been by most anybody else on the planet.
ReplyDeleteWould a social story help with the whole car in the street thing? Do those help anymore?
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