This one may be long

This may be a long post........or may not.........depends on how much I feel comfortable sharing. I will start this post with, if you have read any of my other posts you will realize that I am deeply religious and if these things offend you then do not even read any further on.

I was thinking the other day that I need to go back in my journal's and post Levi's beginnings. There were so many beautiful miracles that have happened with him. I know that I remember a lot but there are a lot of details that I don't remember so I wanted to go back in my journal's. I am glad that I have kept a steady journal for years and years because I am always amazed at what I think I'll remember and forget...........

So, the other night Brian was out of town. I dug out my old journals from about the time that Levi was born and started reading. I'm not sure it was a good thing. Maybe.....maybe not. Levi has been having a hard time again so as I was reading I started to worry about him so went and got him and brought him in bed with me. :o)

Because of my worries for Levi and the things that I had been reading my mind would not rest and so I did something that I've done a little from time to time but not in such detail. This will seem morbid and in most people's lives would never cross their minds. We take life so for granted and hope and assume that we'll all outlive our children but Levi has changed that for us. It is always in the backs of our minds that Levi can and will probably beat us to the other side of the veil. When he is doing well the thought sits in some small place in the back of our minds and doesn't prick too badly with the other thoughts that seem to come and go. When he is not doing well like the last few weeks then the thought tends to push its way getting bigger and bigger as it moves to the forefront of our minds and so as I spent the night lying next to my beautiful son listening to him breath I planned his funeral.

It isn't a bad thing. I know that when the time comes "if" then there will be things I want to happen that if I hadn't had planned I may not think about at the time of immediate sorrow and wish I'd done. For example: I love the symbol "La Chaim" it means "to life"! I would want Levi to have a simple beautiful wooden casket. Hand made from my loved ones if possible but on the top I want the La Chaim symbol so I e-mailed my dad and asked him if he would make one so I can tuck it away for the day if ever we need it.

Yesterday came and went. I have spent my entire life shoving feelings and emotions down and so I did that which I am most good at. Yesterday I told myself what I had done was no big deal. Just something that needed to be done. Kind of like preparing for if the day comes and he is in a wheel chair. How we would work the house.......etc. At least I think that is what I told myself. Last night when I went to bed I all of a sudden had a feeling I've never had before come over me and I didn't know how to handle it. It was odd and it lodged in my throat. I think it was a mix of hysterics and trying to be rational and shove feelings back down. It hit me what I'd done and I wanted to mourn and cry that planning a funeral was even something that I had to think about and trying to tell myself to get a grip and stop mourning something that hasn't happened. I sat and did a Sudoku as my these emotions washed over and concentrated on numbers until I once again got everything pushed way down in the depths of who knows where and I can shrug off and say it's no big deal. Just somethin' ya gotta do.

I think what I'll do is copy some of my journal entries and where there are explanations needed I'll add them.

Here goes. A little preface: This entry took place on November 14th, 2002. Levi was almost exactly 8 months old. My sister Virginia and her children (at the time she had five and all young like mine) were visiting.

I have much to write about and a lot has transpired over the week. I've been putting off writing but need to for healing and closure. The last time I wrote was Sunday evening. Monday morning dawned bright and early. The past few days and the days before Monday we lazed around and enjoyed our mornings. For "some" reason Monday both Virginia and I felt the need to get up and get not only ourselves but our kids going. We hurried and showered and got the kids their breakfast. i remember thinking that Kirsten and Levi sure were sleeping long so I'd hurry and get in the shower. After my shower was taken and I was getting the kids their breakfast Kirsten awoke. I remember being surprised that Levi was still asleep and that he must not be feeling well and that I'd go and check on him when I had a minute. I poured myself some cereal and started to eat. As I was eating I felt the need to go and check on Levi. I listened outside his door and heard nothing. Normally I would've walked away and not disturbed him but this time I quietly opened the door and peeked in. He was lying on his side with his back turned and again normally I would've thought he was asleep and left him but "something" pushed me forward to check closer. I walked to his crib and found him blue in the face, his eyes rolled back having a seizure. I grabbed him and ran downstairs yelling to Virginia, "something is wrong. What is happening?" Her back was to me and without even seeing Levi she knew and said, "he is having a seizure, put him down and call 9.1.1". (Later she told me that she hadn't seen him but "knew" what was going on before even seeing him.) She was very calm and knelt down next to Levi talking soothingly to him. When I lay ed him down flat, he was able to get air better. I do not feel that it was just coincidence that Virginia "just happened" to be visiting at this time as she has been through seizures with two of her children.

I grabbed the phone and dialed 9-1-1 but the call wouldn't go through. Frantic, I tried again and it still wouldn't go through. I threw down the phone and ran out the door across the street to my neighbors. Their door was locked so I rang their doorbell and knocked frantically. My neighbor Marci Carlson ran to the door. I pushed past her and grabbed her phone and started dialing 9-1-1. The same thing happened so I threw down their phone (not sure where I threw it) and ran back home. When I came in my sister Virginia was talking on the hone and I could tell she'd gotten through. Apparently, when I left she tried several times as well before getting through. I knelt down next to Levi as I watched him and shook. I could feel even my spirit shaking. It seemed life forever but then I heard the sirens and as they got closer I remember my mind was in a daze and fuzzy wondering if those sirens were coming to hep us or if they were sirens for something else. The paramedics arrived and I can't remember if Levi stopped seizing before or after they came. Virginia then got on the phone to Brian to let him know what was going on. The paramedic's took Levi's temperature. It was 99 (in his ear). By this time Levi had quit seizing and the paramedics continued to look Levi over and reassure me. Neighbors came over and took care of the kids. The paramedics told me I could take Levi to his doctor or have them take us in the ambulance to the ER. I chose his doctor because I figured if it were dangerous they wouldn't give me the option. They told me to wrap him up and keep him warm and take him immediately. My neighbor Marci and her husband, and another neighbor Vicky Allison were here taking care of the kids. I took Virginia and Kirsten with me because Kirsten was quite sick and sad herself and we left for the doctors. On the way I was very upset but tried to keep calm as I drove. My sister later told me I sat and dug at the seam on my pants the whole time I was driving.

At the doctor's office they looked him over, drew blood, and took his temperature again. (Under his arm.) It was 101. The doctor said to take him home and give him some Motrin. We loaded up and headed home. As we drove in front of the hospital (another miracle that I do not believe "just happened") Levi started seizing again. We were right in front of the road that went to the ER. I turned into the parking lot, meanwhile Virginia was undoing his car seat seat belt. I grabbed him leaving Virginia with the car running, her baby, and Kirsten and ran to the ER as Levi continued to seize in my arms. I about kicked open the doors because they wouldn't open fast enough. Ran into the waiting room and asked for help. A lady took me back to the ER where again I asked for help. Nurses and doctors came and took Levi and I into a room. They began checking him and started and IV. They took his temp. again and it was 104. Levi seized for about 5 minutes or so then finally stopped when they gave him medicine. The first time he seized he was already seizing when I found him and he continued to seize for about 5 minutes. After he finished seizing the 2nd time they put oxygen on him. He was having respiratory problems as well. I went and told Virginia to take Kirsten home. I called home and was surprised when my sister Sarah from Montana answered the phone. I thought I'd dialled the wrong number. I was confused because she wasn't supposed to arrive until Wednesday. Yet another miracle. Apparently, her husband Troy decided to leave early on their trip here early. He asked Sarah if she wanted to go and see another sister of mine first but she insisted she wanted to come and see Virginia and I first. When she arrived she sent the neighbors who were babysitting home and took care of my kids.

When I first arrived in the ER, Levi was on the table. I looked up and saw a young man by the name of Brad Smyer. He is in our ward (church). Seeing him was a comfort even though no words were exchanged. More miracles were to happen. It turned out that he worked in the registration and it "just so happened" that the computers were down. Normally he is not allowed to let anyone know who comes into the ER but he "forgot" my name so he called his mom who was working in the hospital. When his mom Robin Gee found out that we were there she came down and sat with me which was a great comfort. Turns out she wasn't supposed to work that day but "just happened" to be working When I said I wanted Levi administered to she said her husband Tim Gee was working. He also usually wasn't working on Mondays but "just happened" to be working so he came down and administered to Levi. Since Brian hadn't arrived yet Tim Gee and the chaplain gave Levi a blessing. The spirit was felt so strongly. Both Tim and Robin Gee sat with me until Brian came. Brian came just as we were headed up to pediatrics where another member of our church "just happened" to be the charge nurse. She wasn't supposed to be working either. It was her birthday but she was. She was Levi's nurse. They hooked Levi up to monitors and put oxygen on him. Our bishop then came and visited for a few minutes and then he and Brian left. Brian went to get me something to eat and get Kirsten. As I sat there rocking Levi it was quiet and peaceful and I felt the comfort of the Holy Ghost. I felt very strongly that the worst for that episode was over but that there is more to come. I felt that Levi's trials in life are going to be physical. I spent the day holding and rocking Levi. He slept most of the time and was like an infant. Is poor body had been through so much. Brian later came with Kirsten who was feeling better. We ate lunch together as I continued to hold Levi. Later in the evening some friends of ours Michelle Tuinei and Lei Arakaki, and my sisters Sarah, Virginia, and Elizabeth came to visit. They all brought ice cream. It was nice to feel their love and concern. After they left Brian and Brennan came again to visit. When they left it was pretty late so I lay down in the crib with Levi and we made it through the night. In the morning the doctor said we could go home so I started to unhook Levi hoping to make him more comfortable. My friend Lei's husband came to visit and also another neighbor in our church Wendy Keller and again that was appreciated.

Brian came with Trevor, Colin, Matthew, and my niece Shania to get us and bring us home. I was glad to come home but scared to let Levi out of my sight.

November 15, 2002 Friday

This morning when I woke up I was feeling more like my old self. I went downstairs and cleaned some. As the day wore on I became more exhausted. This whole week I have been more emotionally and physically exhausted then I can remember. I have a sadness in my heart as well. Knowing that this experience with Levi won't be the last. On Wednesday evening I voiced the feelings I'd had that this wasn't over and that Levi's trials would be physical. Brian confirmed what I said. I told him, "you knew this when you gave him a name and a blessing didn't you?" He said, "yes" and then I asked him, "why didn't you tell me?" He said, "because I didn't want you to worry." So, my heart is sad for what is to come and frustrated with the not knowing. If something is wrong with my child I want a doctor to find it, give him some medicine for a couple of days and have it be over.

Yesterday morning as I was showering the thoughts "patience and long suffering" came to my mind and I thought about how Brian used words similar in Levi's blessing when he was blessed as a baby and given his name . I wanted to cry.

I went to my past journal to read about his blessing and opened it directly to when he was first born and the trials he had at birth. My heart hurts for him. I am sad. I've been able to get to the point where I can put him down and let him play, leave the room checking on him often. At night he still sleeps with me and during the day when he's asleep I have to keep him by me. Before, I had to keep him with me at all times. I'm making progress. I'm scared though that he'll have another seizure and I won't see him. (Side note: I have had to get to the point for my own sanity where I have had to come to the realization that when it is time for the Lord to take him home, it is time. Nothing I do will stop that from happening.)

November 16th, 2002 Sat.

(This journal entry jumps around in time a bit.)

I had some interesting thoughts today. One of which was, right after Levi was born and he (he was a couple of days old) stopped breathing in the night. That evening as I was heading to bed I had this for boding feeling and I remember kneeling by my bed begging Heavenly Father not to let anything happen to Levi or die (not understanding why I would even be having these feelings) and then I had to end my prayer with "not my will......." I then went to bed and then a bit later was when Levi stopped breathing. When it came time for my parents to leave (note: this was right after Levi was born. My mom came to take care of us and then dad came and got her to take her back to MT.) When it came time for my parents to leave I was all of a sudden scared to be home alone with Levi. It was Ester Sunday and Brian had taken the kids to church. I asked my dad for a blessing in which he did so. The blessing made me feel better about them going but it was not a blessing of comfort to me about Levi I remember feeling disappointed hoping to hear that everything will be just great and perfect.
Earlier in the week I'd heard the primary children practicing for the primary program. I wanted to cry as they sang, "Families Can Be Together Forever". I am so grateful Brian and I were married and sealed in the temple so even if we did lose one of our children we'd still be together forever!

November 17, 2002 Sun.

Ive been thinking more about Levi and feelings I've had since he's been born. Feelings that I thought were just in my head so I'd dismiss them. All along except when he was first born (for about his first month) he has been a very demanding baby. Very fussy and always needing to be held. for some reason, its been okay. I've not gotten cross or fed up like I may have with the others when they were babies. When a baby tends to be fussy it is wearing after awhile. Not with Levi. For some reason I've always been patient with him and when I've picked him up and held him I've felt somehow he's different and have poured out love and and kisses on him. When I look at him he looks like a normal beautiful baby but my spirit has sensed that something is different. I'm still not sure what it is excepting that I just want to hold Levi close as long as I can. I've never felt this way about the others but the fear of losing Levi is close in my thoughts. I pray he lives a long and healthy life and that my fears and thoughts are false. Levi is a very intelligent and smart boy so it is puzzling to me when I read books on growth milestones and he's a little delayed. Not much but a little. He just learned to sit up so that makes me feel better. Being a parent is hard. I never knew ones heart strings could be pulled and ripped out so much.

During the three days I had Alexis when she would sleep in my arms she would put her tiny little fists up under my chin on my throat. Levi does that too. I pray there is no connection.....

November 18, 2002 Mon.

It is Monday again. A week has gone by. Last night I was feeling very upset and prayed to Heavenly Father asking him for forgiveness because I'm so selfish in not wanting him to take Levi. Especially because if Levi did go, he'd have made it! He'd automatically be in the celestial kingdom. So, I asked for forgiveness and then told Heavenly Father "Thy will be done.......". If You need to take Levi then please give me the courage, the strngth, and the faith to let him go. Immedietly I felt the world lift from my shoulders and the worry that his days were numberd left my mind.

There are many more miracles and journal entries. Some I feel too sacred to share but these are a few of the miracles that we've had with Levi. When one has a child like Levi you realize even more how real our Father in Heaven is and His love for us. Oh he is VERY aware of each and every one of us. He knows us. He loves us. He wants us to succeed and He places angels sometimes in the form of loved ones, neighbors, and even strangers in our paths to help us.

A lesson I've learned from Levi is sunrises and rainbows. After the night comes the dawn and a beautiful sunrise and after evry storm comes a beautiful rainbow. All symbols of our Father in Heaven's infinite wisdom and love. I love my Father in Heaven. I love my Savior Jesus Christ and know that through His blessed gift of the Atonement all will be made well.