Making memories one day at a time.......and then I write about it.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Behind locked doors

Every once in awhile (and it is rare) clarity comes to Levi and then just as quickly it is gone. It is as if he is somewhere behind a locked door and every once in a blue moon a tiny window opens and then it is quickly slammed shut.

I know that in the past I've talked about what a roller coaster life is with Levi. The good......the bad......and then the good again. The grieving process that happens time and time again......when will it ever end..........

This morning Levi was having a tough time. He didn't want to get ready for school. One second he is happy and telling me he is ready to get dressed, the next second he is stomping off to his room slamming his door telling me he doesn't want to go to school or get dressed.

The best way to handle his melt downs is to ignore them. I just tell him that is fine, let me know when you're ready, and walk away. Reverse psychology. Typically in a minute or two he comes out all smiles ready to proceed with what ever task I've asked him to do.

This morning he was taking an especially long time in his room yelling and smacking things against the wall. His baby brother went in and started to talk to him. I've no idea what either said excepting I could hear that they were conversing and Levi still sounded upset.

I went into his room and found Levi in his bed with the covers pulled up and around himself. I sat down next to him and saw that he had tears in his eyes. When Levi is belligerent like this he doesn't normally cry, in fact, unless he is hurt (and with his high pain tolerance you know he is REALLY hurt), he hardly ever cries. Today he had tears in his eyes which immediately concerned me. I asked him what was wrong and in perfect clarity for a moment a window opened and he said, "I'm mad at you mom". I asked him why and he replied, "because I'm different".........

My gut felt like a fist had just slammed into it. I just sat there staring at Levi. My one consolation has been, "at least he doesn't know he is different, he is happy because he doesn't know any differently........."

The window slammed closed and the clarity I saw on Levi's face was gone. I asked him if he wanted me to hold him. He said, "yes". As I held him I asked him what different was and he said, "may flag"......the moment had obviously passed.

Once again I feel like the rug has been ripped out from under me. Levi is off at school now but the mamma in me wants to have him here in my arms rocking him back and forth, back and forth, soothing him.....except I think I am the one that needs to be rocked because he is behind his locked door again.....or is he.......does he now know that he is different?


  1. Life is full of such unexpected blows. I think that its how we handle those blows that matters most. I think you do a phenomenal job dealing with your blows and I look up to you!

  2. That is so hard! I admire your strength. Even if you may not feel strong, I see your strength.

    I don't even know what to say. I just wish I could give you a hug.

  4. And now, it is just so with my own mother. All of it. People like her behave just this way, angry, slamming things around. And then, just when the family thinks it can safely realize that she is really, truly "gone" and not suffering because of all this, that window suddenly opens, and mother is there - and she has something to say, something to ask, something to answer, and she is there, in phase with the world.

    Then, just as quickly, she is gone. Gone, gone. And this will not end well, either. There is more of this pattern in the world than we are taught to understand. We think it's unusual, and we suffer alone. But it is not unusual. It is frighteningly common, and becoming more so.

    When you need rocking, call me, for heaven's sake. I'm bigger than you in the lap area; I can hold your weight.


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