Making memories one day at a time.......and then I write about it.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

A thought...........

This is going to sound really weird but then why should anyone be surprised to hear me say anything weird?

I've been thinking about Levi and the ups and downs we've had and I think that I am a coward in some ways. It is "easy" to think about him passing and what I "think" (because one can not even fathom what one would do unless they actually experienced the situation) I would do and yet facing him living sometimes is even harder. The day to day grind. I thought to myself this morning, "quit thinking of him passing Rachel and LIVE! Pretend he is going to live a really long healthy life and get over the drama of "if he goes..........". In some ways.......that is also hard to is a lot of hard work. Don't get me wrong. I would have it no other way. I love Levi beyond even my understanding. It is just exhausting and hard work having him live too......and that makes me sound like a really horrible mother...........The longer he is with us........the harder it will be when the time comes.

Today he took FOREVER to get to school. At one point I had to carry him across the street kicking and screaming because there were cars and even though they were waiting for us THERE WERE CARS AND WE CAN'T CROSS THE STREET! How do you explain to him that sometimes it is okay to go in the street when there are cars..........I need to go and lift more weights. He is just getting too big for me to lug around.

Monday, January 28, 2008


The neurologist e-mailed today and said that no, these kids never grow out of their AHC...............bummer.....................

Friday, January 25, 2008

Caught in the act..............

Levi and hope

I realize that my next statement will be humorous to those that really know me but here goes.......I am trying to be serious. (I know, I being serious BUT I AM.)

It has been six months since Levi has had a full blown attack! He has had problems and issues but not a full blown AHC attack. I am trying to be realistic here but there is this HUGE part of me that wants to think, hey, maybe it is over! Can that be possible? Okay, so I look at him and he is still mentally handicapped and he does things like today where when I picked him up from school he came running up to me and said, "hi mom, nice ta meet ya"! (Where in the world did he pick that up from?) It was the darned cutest thing though. Or the other night he was so proud of himself because he'd finally eaten all of his peas and so with a mouth stuffed with peas he spewed them forth as he proudly said, "I eat my peas mom"! At least that is what it was supposed to sound like. Kind of hard when your mouth is full of mashed peas and they are flying out of your mouth while talking. Hard for mom to keep a straight face. Who am I fooling? I didn't. I busted up laughing.

Anyway.........I look at him and I think, do I dare hope? Is it possible to someday look back and say, "ya, remember when? Those sure were tough times but it only lasted for the first six years of his life and he has been normal since"! Wouldn't that be nice?

Would people think me a horrible mom if I admitted that changing his diapers and dressing him everyday and feeding him and bathing him etc. etc. etc. is tiring and it would be so nice if he could do these things himself.......

Today while at the grocery store he started to melt and as I watched him and the concerned produce man came and offered he and his brother who was also melting a banana I thought, I bet he thinks Levi is a badly behaved child and I'm a horrible mother for not having better behaved children. It occurred to me when I introduced Levi to someone recently and he looked at them and said, "I'm handicapped" that I must tell people this often to justify why he acts the way he does instead of shrugging off his behavior and letting them think what they want.

Sometimes people try to engage Levi in conversation and then look at me puzzled when he either doesn't answer or he answers in garbly goosh and then I tell them, "he's handicapped". Do I tell them this to make me feel better? That somehow it is a reflection on me if he acts like oh my goodness!!! A two year old?

I do expect certain behavior from Levi. I don't care how old he is mentally. He can't act naughty. It is interesting though people's reactions. At first they see a big child acting like a two year old and sniff down their noses. As soon as they find out he is handicapped they are all sympathetic. Kind of irritating in some ways and yet eye opening in others. Makes me realize when I see a child acting like a beast with an exasperated mother I'm not so quick to judge.

So, I keep hoping. I want to hope. Dare I hope?

Conversation with Matthew

Matthew: Mom, when I have my birthday we're going to need to have my party on another day than my birthday.

Mom: (Thinking to herself......why? Is your birthday on Sunday? And who says your going to have a party?) Out loud: Why?

Matthew: Because I'd have two cakes in one day and that is just too much cake...............

Mom: Huh? Two cakes?

Matthew: Ya, one for my birthday and one for my party. I just can't eat two cakes in one day.

Mom: (Thinking to're birthday isn't until NOVEMBER! And when have I ever given you two cakes?) Out loud: Makes sense to me!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Levi lost ANOTHER tooth!

Sometimes Levi gets meat stuck in his teeth and he'll come to me and say, "my tooth is stuck". This translated means, "I have some food stuck in my teeth, will you dig it out for me".......

Today Levi was eating lunch and he got a funny look on his face. He was eating a cheese taco. He told me, "my tooth is stuck". I checked and with a mouth full of cheese and flour tortilla it is a good thing it is the front tooth that is missing or I'd never have noticed. I told Levi, "you lost your tooth! Where is it?" He swallowed and gave me a grin and said, "gone"!

Good thing he doesn't care about the tooth fairy..................

Mom: Levi, where is your tooth?
Levi: I dunno, I lost it!


Friday, January 18, 2008

I'm seeing SPOTS!

We awoke today to a huge mess. The ditch that runs next to our house over flowed and is now flowing down the street making rivers and lakes for neighbors to try and pull in and out of when they enter or exit their driveways. (Snigger, that is what they all get for LIVING IN THE CITY.) The city has been working real hard to try and fix the problem and believe me........they've been working real hard. I've watched no less than twenty guys standing around looking at the mess all day. I wish I had that kind of a committee when I do laundry.

Actually, what I'm hoping is that they don't realize that I have been throwing my laundry down the ditch instead of washing it. I heard a rumor that the pipes are frozen and we're crossing our fingers here that the city just keeps on believing that.

Since my yard is right next to the mayhem I've been able to keep a bird's eye view on the project as I look out my upstairs windows and that is when I saw SPOTS! Great big yellow ones and guess what? There were no animal tracks next to them except the big ugly human animal feet kind. PIGS! There were several spots. What were they doing? Having a peeing party in my yard? Oh I was ticked! Oh, I was no longer seeing yellow. I was seeing RED. I was on my way to grab the phone and call the city and get the President of the United States out here to see what kind of vermin he was employing to unclog my ditch full of dirty laundry.

I walked by another window and that is when I noticed..........more yellow spots.........I looked closer.............oh................. it is spray paint...............

I think I am still going to call the city and have them tell the President of the United States that when spray painting peoples' yards in the winter he might want to use another color..........not yellow.............

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Conversation with two year olds

Levi (the big two year old): I wanna take a bath.
Mom: No
Jadon (the midget two year old): I wanna take a bath.
Mom: No
Levi and Jadon (averaged out together make a gargantuan two year old): I wanna take a bath!
Mom: NO!
Levi: Why????
Jadon: I wanna take a bath!
Mom: CUZ I WANNA TAKE A BATH! Go watch Avatar.
Levi: Okay
Jadon: I wanna take a bath!
Levi: Can Jadon take a bath?
Levi: Mom, will you go take a bath?
Jadon: Puuuulllleeeaaaasssssse?

Wednesday, January 16, 2008


Rachel: So Brian, do you think this saddle makes my butt look big?
Cane: So Brian, do you think my butt makes Rachel's butt look big?
Brian: Do I have to answer either of you?

Conversation with Kirsten

Kirsten: What kind of bread is that?
Mom: zucchini
Kirsten: bikini?
Mom: No, zucchini!
Kirsten: Zoo kini?
Mom: Yaaaah

Kirsten: giggling........ooooooh

Cookin' with mommy

Jadon wanted to help me make bread........mmmmmmmmmm.
And y'all thought we was makin' zucchini bread!

The "Whisper" Mill AKA Wonder Mill

Picked up a Whisper Mill today. Getting itchy to try it out but I don't think the neighbors would appreciate me dumping piles of ground up wheat on their porches. They still aren't talking to me after dumping zucchini this past summer on their porches. Better hold off on the wheat until I actually make something with it. Then I can dump door stoppers on their porches! I have decided that the name "Whisper" mill was composed by a senior citizen who's hearing aid battery has died. I think if I whispered that loud my granny would rouse herself from her grave and tell me to shut the heck up! She's tryin' to rest for cryin' out loud and can't an old dead lady get some shut eye for Pete's sake? Pete's sake? Why not Rachel's sake? Who the heck is Pete and why is it always his sake? I'd like to find out and see if I can somehow tell ol' Petey that HE is being politically incorrect as Rachel would like some sake!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The sheep killin' blood fang drippin' dog

It was one of those perfect home school moments. A warm fire was going, the kids and I were tucked all nestled snug under homemade quilts reading whilst a storm was brewing outside. Snow was falling on an already snow laden earth. (Were those run on sentences? Did that even make sense? No wonder my kids are turning out the way they are. Can't teach em' diddly squat.)

Anyway, you get the idea. The world was covered in about a foot of snow, we had a fire going, and the kids and I were facing a lovely bay window watching the storm unleash itself.

I was miserably fat and pregnant bulging with who knows what ever child. Doesn't really matter. I was fat and pregnant okay? I couldn't fit into anything so that is why in the middle of winter I was wearing The SM's basketball shorts and his big t-shirts because nothing I owned fit anymore.

We were all sitting reading together when I noticed out our lovely picture window a stirring going on. Behind our house is a fabulous field which if it weren't there I'd go insane. I pretend I own that field. Makes living IN THE CITY bearable. Anyway, there are sheep in that field during the winter and the sheep were in a tizzy. Something had them all riled up and they were running. It was then that I noticed a big wolf dog out with the sheep and to my horror I watched him go after the soft throat of one of those sheepy's. I couldn't stand it so I did what any red blooded American would do! I threw all caution, reason, brains, etc. aside and ran to the back door. I grabbed the most sensible shoes I could find (the only pair of shoes I could find) which happened to be a pair of high heeled toe less sandal shoes no less and don't ask me why they were there and not put away......I have too many youngins running around and I'll slap you if you ask such stupid questions. I shoved my feet into the high heels and grabbed the most reasonable weapon I could find which just happened to be my kids' toy snow shovel which is a brave intimidating color red and ran out the door. I ran into the field adrenaline pumping waving that toy shovel stumbling around in my high heels and fat bellied husband's gym shorts state yelling at that wolf dog to "git". By now I was out of breath so I think it was more like a "giii.........." gasp gasp gasp. I for some reason beyond me had my phone with me (not a cell phone......didn't have one regular home phone) and was frantically trying to get a hold of animal control to come and help me with the beast because I was a poor fat pregnant woman out chasing a mad sheep killing dog! They hung up on me! Actually, they said they'd call me back so I continued to run around the field (mind you a snow storm is brewing at the same time) waving my red shovel when the phone rings. I immediately think it is animal control and start to pant into the phone my predicament. Finally a ladies voice breaks in and asks if I am okay......I tell her yes, I'm just pregnant and out of breath..........after conversing a bit with this lady it slowly starts to dawn on me that I recognize this voice. It isn't animal control. It is my wonderful sister and she is wondering what the heck I am doing running around in a snow storm panting to death! Dag blam animal control. Don't know what ever happened to em............

Finally, the owner of the sheep killing blood fang dripping dog came and got his dog and I trudged back to my house with my shovel dragging behind me. Made it to my yard where I gracefully tripped over who knows what only to look up and see my neighbor standing there with a puzzled look on his face. Shouldn't he have been at work or something? He was wondering what in tarnation I was doing. He said he'd looked out his window and because of his fence couldn't see the sheep. All he could see was me running around in shorts, t-shirt, high heels, waving my kids' toy shovel in the middle of a snow storm!


I like hats. Women invented hats. Seriously! They did! I know they did because they cover a multitude of sins and men don't try to cover. They are always trying to uncover. That's why I know.......

My favorite is a baseball hat. With my long hair I can shove on a hat, snatch up the tangled mess, and whip it into a bun. Throw on some sunglasses and lipstick and walk out that door convincing myself and the world I am ready for anything.

Why did women invent hats? I'll tell you why. Because they were sick of hearing their wig wearing complaining husbands whine about them dag blam wigs falling off all of the time. If it were raining or the man was sweating good enough it wasn't a problem. The moisture would run and mix with the powder and make a mighty fine glue that would paste that sucker right on their ol' heads but if the wind were blowin'......well, now that was a problem. They didn't like having their powdery fluff blowing away making the paste too thin. Thus, we see the invention of the hat.

Men are funny creatures. The SM says he likes me in a cowboy hat. I like cowboy hats. I do and if I were living where I growed up well then......I might wear one more often but ya see, I aint livin' where I growed up. I LIVE IN THE CITY. Well...........I call it the city. When you grow up in the boonies where I growed up and then live here next to neighbors that tell ya what to fix for dinner over the fence.........IT IS THE CITY. I promise. It is true. One day I was outside and one of The Natives asked me what was for dinner! I told em' hot dogs ala ketchup. Next thing I know over the fence my neighbor is getting after me for such a lousy dinner. Course....livin' so close to someone so foolish as to mess with my dinner fixin's does mean he is also close enough should the urge hit me to flick a booger at him when he goes walkin' by on his side of the fence.....

I like The SM in a hat too. Oh I think it is downright sexy. Yehaaw! But, he doesn't like to wear a hat (see, it is that uncoverin' thing again). He has an inner temperature of about 500 degrees and putting on a hat just closes the oven door and he's glad he doesn't have to wear a wig full of powder. Not to mention that he has GREAT HAIR which is SO not fair. I tease him and call him grandpa and tell him to watch it cuz someday I'm gonna be changin' his diapers. Truth is with all of the youngin's I've hatched and the grey hair that paints my hair a lovely shade of shimmer I think I already need diapers.

The only thing men invented is something to hang around their hips. It started with the fig leaves..........then it went to hanging rock tools from their hips........then to holsters and guns..........and now it is cell phones. Have you ever noticed that? A man thinks he is naked if he doesn't have something hangin' from his hips. Me now truthfully, I have enough hangin' from my hips thank you very much. The youngin's that put them hips thar be hangin' from em and if they aren't then last nights indulgences are.............I wish they'd make hats for hips, thighs, and butts............

Friday, January 11, 2008


Going back and reading old journal entries has been an interesting experience. I came across a couple of entries that I thought were hysterical. THIS is why we are supposed to keep journal's.

December 26, 2002

Our day started with a most interesting surprise. I opened up the blinds in the kitchen to see a homing pigeon on its back under Brian's car in obvious distress. (May I make a side note here: When I told Brian to go and kill it and put it out of its misery he wouldn't do it so ol' tough shorts here had to go and attend to the bird.......... :o) I put on a coat and ran out to see what the problem was. He'd been hit by a car and his wing was broken. I grabbed a towel and wrapped him up and took him to the Randles hoping they could help. They told me their neighbor the Stone's were bird people so Brennan and I went to Brother Stones. He said unfortunately a broken wing can't be fixed but told us the bird could still live so we brought it home and Brian dug out the old bird cage. It has survived the day and is actually a very pretty bird and sweet as can be. He is very tame and loves to be pet.

We'll see if he makes it through the night. My dad is going to try and see if there is anyone around who can help him and if not, he said he'd help me build a cage for it. So, I guess we'll try and give it the best life we can. (Another side note: why in tarnation does every stray animal end up on my door step????)

Today I named it Obadiah. Trevor has a book called, "Thy Friend Obadiah" about a boy and a sea gull. This bird reminded me of the book and it stuck.

December 27, 2002 Friday

Obadiah made it through the night and must be feeling better as he's becoming more lively. Yesterday he just sat there and let us pet him and today he'll let me pet him a little and then gets frisky and starts pecking and biting. Doesn't hurt but means he's coming around more to himself.

The next journal entry about Obadiah isn't until a week later.

January 4, 2003

I couldn't stand that smelly pigeon any longer. It was smelling up my entire living room so first thing this morning after I got everyone breakfast I boxed it up and drove it to a neighbor who keeps and trains pigeons. What a relief to have that thing gone. :o)

Cracked me up reading these entries. Oh Obadiah........the beautiful sweet pigeon demoted to that stinkin' smelly thing.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

This one may be long

This may be a long post........or may not.........depends on how much I feel comfortable sharing. I will start this post with, if you have read any of my other posts you will realize that I am deeply religious and if these things offend you then do not even read any further on.

I was thinking the other day that I need to go back in my journal's and post Levi's beginnings. There were so many beautiful miracles that have happened with him. I know that I remember a lot but there are a lot of details that I don't remember so I wanted to go back in my journal's. I am glad that I have kept a steady journal for years and years because I am always amazed at what I think I'll remember and forget...........

So, the other night Brian was out of town. I dug out my old journals from about the time that Levi was born and started reading. I'm not sure it was a good thing. Maybe.....maybe not. Levi has been having a hard time again so as I was reading I started to worry about him so went and got him and brought him in bed with me. :o)

Because of my worries for Levi and the things that I had been reading my mind would not rest and so I did something that I've done a little from time to time but not in such detail. This will seem morbid and in most people's lives would never cross their minds. We take life so for granted and hope and assume that we'll all outlive our children but Levi has changed that for us. It is always in the backs of our minds that Levi can and will probably beat us to the other side of the veil. When he is doing well the thought sits in some small place in the back of our minds and doesn't prick too badly with the other thoughts that seem to come and go. When he is not doing well like the last few weeks then the thought tends to push its way getting bigger and bigger as it moves to the forefront of our minds and so as I spent the night lying next to my beautiful son listening to him breath I planned his funeral.

It isn't a bad thing. I know that when the time comes "if" then there will be things I want to happen that if I hadn't had planned I may not think about at the time of immediate sorrow and wish I'd done. For example: I love the symbol "La Chaim" it means "to life"! I would want Levi to have a simple beautiful wooden casket. Hand made from my loved ones if possible but on the top I want the La Chaim symbol so I e-mailed my dad and asked him if he would make one so I can tuck it away for the day if ever we need it.

Yesterday came and went. I have spent my entire life shoving feelings and emotions down and so I did that which I am most good at. Yesterday I told myself what I had done was no big deal. Just something that needed to be done. Kind of like preparing for if the day comes and he is in a wheel chair. How we would work the house.......etc. At least I think that is what I told myself. Last night when I went to bed I all of a sudden had a feeling I've never had before come over me and I didn't know how to handle it. It was odd and it lodged in my throat. I think it was a mix of hysterics and trying to be rational and shove feelings back down. It hit me what I'd done and I wanted to mourn and cry that planning a funeral was even something that I had to think about and trying to tell myself to get a grip and stop mourning something that hasn't happened. I sat and did a Sudoku as my these emotions washed over and concentrated on numbers until I once again got everything pushed way down in the depths of who knows where and I can shrug off and say it's no big deal. Just somethin' ya gotta do.

I think what I'll do is copy some of my journal entries and where there are explanations needed I'll add them.

Here goes. A little preface: This entry took place on November 14th, 2002. Levi was almost exactly 8 months old. My sister Virginia and her children (at the time she had five and all young like mine) were visiting.

I have much to write about and a lot has transpired over the week. I've been putting off writing but need to for healing and closure. The last time I wrote was Sunday evening. Monday morning dawned bright and early. The past few days and the days before Monday we lazed around and enjoyed our mornings. For "some" reason Monday both Virginia and I felt the need to get up and get not only ourselves but our kids going. We hurried and showered and got the kids their breakfast. i remember thinking that Kirsten and Levi sure were sleeping long so I'd hurry and get in the shower. After my shower was taken and I was getting the kids their breakfast Kirsten awoke. I remember being surprised that Levi was still asleep and that he must not be feeling well and that I'd go and check on him when I had a minute. I poured myself some cereal and started to eat. As I was eating I felt the need to go and check on Levi. I listened outside his door and heard nothing. Normally I would've walked away and not disturbed him but this time I quietly opened the door and peeked in. He was lying on his side with his back turned and again normally I would've thought he was asleep and left him but "something" pushed me forward to check closer. I walked to his crib and found him blue in the face, his eyes rolled back having a seizure. I grabbed him and ran downstairs yelling to Virginia, "something is wrong. What is happening?" Her back was to me and without even seeing Levi she knew and said, "he is having a seizure, put him down and call 9.1.1". (Later she told me that she hadn't seen him but "knew" what was going on before even seeing him.) She was very calm and knelt down next to Levi talking soothingly to him. When I lay ed him down flat, he was able to get air better. I do not feel that it was just coincidence that Virginia "just happened" to be visiting at this time as she has been through seizures with two of her children.

I grabbed the phone and dialed 9-1-1 but the call wouldn't go through. Frantic, I tried again and it still wouldn't go through. I threw down the phone and ran out the door across the street to my neighbors. Their door was locked so I rang their doorbell and knocked frantically. My neighbor Marci Carlson ran to the door. I pushed past her and grabbed her phone and started dialing 9-1-1. The same thing happened so I threw down their phone (not sure where I threw it) and ran back home. When I came in my sister Virginia was talking on the hone and I could tell she'd gotten through. Apparently, when I left she tried several times as well before getting through. I knelt down next to Levi as I watched him and shook. I could feel even my spirit shaking. It seemed life forever but then I heard the sirens and as they got closer I remember my mind was in a daze and fuzzy wondering if those sirens were coming to hep us or if they were sirens for something else. The paramedics arrived and I can't remember if Levi stopped seizing before or after they came. Virginia then got on the phone to Brian to let him know what was going on. The paramedic's took Levi's temperature. It was 99 (in his ear). By this time Levi had quit seizing and the paramedics continued to look Levi over and reassure me. Neighbors came over and took care of the kids. The paramedics told me I could take Levi to his doctor or have them take us in the ambulance to the ER. I chose his doctor because I figured if it were dangerous they wouldn't give me the option. They told me to wrap him up and keep him warm and take him immediately. My neighbor Marci and her husband, and another neighbor Vicky Allison were here taking care of the kids. I took Virginia and Kirsten with me because Kirsten was quite sick and sad herself and we left for the doctors. On the way I was very upset but tried to keep calm as I drove. My sister later told me I sat and dug at the seam on my pants the whole time I was driving.

At the doctor's office they looked him over, drew blood, and took his temperature again. (Under his arm.) It was 101. The doctor said to take him home and give him some Motrin. We loaded up and headed home. As we drove in front of the hospital (another miracle that I do not believe "just happened") Levi started seizing again. We were right in front of the road that went to the ER. I turned into the parking lot, meanwhile Virginia was undoing his car seat seat belt. I grabbed him leaving Virginia with the car running, her baby, and Kirsten and ran to the ER as Levi continued to seize in my arms. I about kicked open the doors because they wouldn't open fast enough. Ran into the waiting room and asked for help. A lady took me back to the ER where again I asked for help. Nurses and doctors came and took Levi and I into a room. They began checking him and started and IV. They took his temp. again and it was 104. Levi seized for about 5 minutes or so then finally stopped when they gave him medicine. The first time he seized he was already seizing when I found him and he continued to seize for about 5 minutes. After he finished seizing the 2nd time they put oxygen on him. He was having respiratory problems as well. I went and told Virginia to take Kirsten home. I called home and was surprised when my sister Sarah from Montana answered the phone. I thought I'd dialled the wrong number. I was confused because she wasn't supposed to arrive until Wednesday. Yet another miracle. Apparently, her husband Troy decided to leave early on their trip here early. He asked Sarah if she wanted to go and see another sister of mine first but she insisted she wanted to come and see Virginia and I first. When she arrived she sent the neighbors who were babysitting home and took care of my kids.

When I first arrived in the ER, Levi was on the table. I looked up and saw a young man by the name of Brad Smyer. He is in our ward (church). Seeing him was a comfort even though no words were exchanged. More miracles were to happen. It turned out that he worked in the registration and it "just so happened" that the computers were down. Normally he is not allowed to let anyone know who comes into the ER but he "forgot" my name so he called his mom who was working in the hospital. When his mom Robin Gee found out that we were there she came down and sat with me which was a great comfort. Turns out she wasn't supposed to work that day but "just happened" to be working When I said I wanted Levi administered to she said her husband Tim Gee was working. He also usually wasn't working on Mondays but "just happened" to be working so he came down and administered to Levi. Since Brian hadn't arrived yet Tim Gee and the chaplain gave Levi a blessing. The spirit was felt so strongly. Both Tim and Robin Gee sat with me until Brian came. Brian came just as we were headed up to pediatrics where another member of our church "just happened" to be the charge nurse. She wasn't supposed to be working either. It was her birthday but she was. She was Levi's nurse. They hooked Levi up to monitors and put oxygen on him. Our bishop then came and visited for a few minutes and then he and Brian left. Brian went to get me something to eat and get Kirsten. As I sat there rocking Levi it was quiet and peaceful and I felt the comfort of the Holy Ghost. I felt very strongly that the worst for that episode was over but that there is more to come. I felt that Levi's trials in life are going to be physical. I spent the day holding and rocking Levi. He slept most of the time and was like an infant. Is poor body had been through so much. Brian later came with Kirsten who was feeling better. We ate lunch together as I continued to hold Levi. Later in the evening some friends of ours Michelle Tuinei and Lei Arakaki, and my sisters Sarah, Virginia, and Elizabeth came to visit. They all brought ice cream. It was nice to feel their love and concern. After they left Brian and Brennan came again to visit. When they left it was pretty late so I lay down in the crib with Levi and we made it through the night. In the morning the doctor said we could go home so I started to unhook Levi hoping to make him more comfortable. My friend Lei's husband came to visit and also another neighbor in our church Wendy Keller and again that was appreciated.

Brian came with Trevor, Colin, Matthew, and my niece Shania to get us and bring us home. I was glad to come home but scared to let Levi out of my sight.

November 15, 2002 Friday

This morning when I woke up I was feeling more like my old self. I went downstairs and cleaned some. As the day wore on I became more exhausted. This whole week I have been more emotionally and physically exhausted then I can remember. I have a sadness in my heart as well. Knowing that this experience with Levi won't be the last. On Wednesday evening I voiced the feelings I'd had that this wasn't over and that Levi's trials would be physical. Brian confirmed what I said. I told him, "you knew this when you gave him a name and a blessing didn't you?" He said, "yes" and then I asked him, "why didn't you tell me?" He said, "because I didn't want you to worry." So, my heart is sad for what is to come and frustrated with the not knowing. If something is wrong with my child I want a doctor to find it, give him some medicine for a couple of days and have it be over.

Yesterday morning as I was showering the thoughts "patience and long suffering" came to my mind and I thought about how Brian used words similar in Levi's blessing when he was blessed as a baby and given his name . I wanted to cry.

I went to my past journal to read about his blessing and opened it directly to when he was first born and the trials he had at birth. My heart hurts for him. I am sad. I've been able to get to the point where I can put him down and let him play, leave the room checking on him often. At night he still sleeps with me and during the day when he's asleep I have to keep him by me. Before, I had to keep him with me at all times. I'm making progress. I'm scared though that he'll have another seizure and I won't see him. (Side note: I have had to get to the point for my own sanity where I have had to come to the realization that when it is time for the Lord to take him home, it is time. Nothing I do will stop that from happening.)

November 16th, 2002 Sat.

(This journal entry jumps around in time a bit.)

I had some interesting thoughts today. One of which was, right after Levi was born and he (he was a couple of days old) stopped breathing in the night. That evening as I was heading to bed I had this for boding feeling and I remember kneeling by my bed begging Heavenly Father not to let anything happen to Levi or die (not understanding why I would even be having these feelings) and then I had to end my prayer with "not my will......." I then went to bed and then a bit later was when Levi stopped breathing. When it came time for my parents to leave (note: this was right after Levi was born. My mom came to take care of us and then dad came and got her to take her back to MT.) When it came time for my parents to leave I was all of a sudden scared to be home alone with Levi. It was Ester Sunday and Brian had taken the kids to church. I asked my dad for a blessing in which he did so. The blessing made me feel better about them going but it was not a blessing of comfort to me about Levi I remember feeling disappointed hoping to hear that everything will be just great and perfect.
Earlier in the week I'd heard the primary children practicing for the primary program. I wanted to cry as they sang, "Families Can Be Together Forever". I am so grateful Brian and I were married and sealed in the temple so even if we did lose one of our children we'd still be together forever!

November 17, 2002 Sun.

Ive been thinking more about Levi and feelings I've had since he's been born. Feelings that I thought were just in my head so I'd dismiss them. All along except when he was first born (for about his first month) he has been a very demanding baby. Very fussy and always needing to be held. for some reason, its been okay. I've not gotten cross or fed up like I may have with the others when they were babies. When a baby tends to be fussy it is wearing after awhile. Not with Levi. For some reason I've always been patient with him and when I've picked him up and held him I've felt somehow he's different and have poured out love and and kisses on him. When I look at him he looks like a normal beautiful baby but my spirit has sensed that something is different. I'm still not sure what it is excepting that I just want to hold Levi close as long as I can. I've never felt this way about the others but the fear of losing Levi is close in my thoughts. I pray he lives a long and healthy life and that my fears and thoughts are false. Levi is a very intelligent and smart boy so it is puzzling to me when I read books on growth milestones and he's a little delayed. Not much but a little. He just learned to sit up so that makes me feel better. Being a parent is hard. I never knew ones heart strings could be pulled and ripped out so much.

During the three days I had Alexis when she would sleep in my arms she would put her tiny little fists up under my chin on my throat. Levi does that too. I pray there is no connection.....

November 18, 2002 Mon.

It is Monday again. A week has gone by. Last night I was feeling very upset and prayed to Heavenly Father asking him for forgiveness because I'm so selfish in not wanting him to take Levi. Especially because if Levi did go, he'd have made it! He'd automatically be in the celestial kingdom. So, I asked for forgiveness and then told Heavenly Father "Thy will be done.......". If You need to take Levi then please give me the courage, the strngth, and the faith to let him go. Immedietly I felt the world lift from my shoulders and the worry that his days were numberd left my mind.

There are many more miracles and journal entries. Some I feel too sacred to share but these are a few of the miracles that we've had with Levi. When one has a child like Levi you realize even more how real our Father in Heaven is and His love for us. Oh he is VERY aware of each and every one of us. He knows us. He loves us. He wants us to succeed and He places angels sometimes in the form of loved ones, neighbors, and even strangers in our paths to help us.

A lesson I've learned from Levi is sunrises and rainbows. After the night comes the dawn and a beautiful sunrise and after evry storm comes a beautiful rainbow. All symbols of our Father in Heaven's infinite wisdom and love. I love my Father in Heaven. I love my Savior Jesus Christ and know that through His blessed gift of the Atonement all will be made well.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Matthew's Reflection's Essay

For Reflections (a competition the elementary school does here) Matthew decided to write an essay. The theme was: "I can make a difference by............" Matthew didn't win any award for his essay but he did in our house because what he wrote is true and from his own experience and I wished I could contact the judges to tell them that this little boy of (eight years old at the time) really did and does this.

Here it is:

I Can Make a Difference by Matthew Rubow

My mom has a lot of things to do. My brother Jadon is two years old. I get up and get Jadon out of his crib and he will want his blanket. I will get his blanket and give the blanket to him. I have one sister and five brothers. I can make a difference in my moms life. Jadon sleeps in my room. Every day I get Jadon out of his crib. If my mom and dad are asleep I get Jadon and bring him down the stairs. That makes my mom happy because she can sleep and rest and get to work because I got Jadon.

Matthew has done this since Jadon started sleeping in a crib in Matthew and Trevor's room. Jadon would wake up and Matthew would get him out of his crib and play with him until his soooo sleepy mom could pry her eyes open and get out of bed. Matthew has continued to have a special love for his baby brother and continues to play and care for him which has helped his mom A TON! What can I say? I have amazing kids. :o)

The first place winner goes to.............................MATTHEW RUBOW for making a difference in his mom's life and in his families lives.