Denial.......I'm real good at that!

I prefer living in denial. Life inside Rachel's bubble where everything is bliss. Every once in awhile I am forced to actually open my eyes and then I scream like a spoiled two year old clenching my fists and closing my eyes refuse to look life in the face......until something comes along and pops my bubble but I'm real good at constructing it again and then I float along blissfully........until the next "pop"!

We were supposed to go to Chicago in July to an AHC family meeting. (AHC being what Levi has. ) But, I got sick and everything was cancelled. I've been waiting to hear/read notes that were taken by those who were able to go. Still in that denial thing I didn't think I'd read anything that I didn't already know......or would apply to us because.......Levi is doing well so he's different. He is somehow going to outgrow this right? And everything we've been through with him is going to be "remember how difficult such and such was...........ya.......glad that is all in the past......"

Some of the families who were able to go have been posting their notes that they took on a website for AHC families and that is when the first "pop" came. I read something that didn't appeal to me but I'm really good at that denial thing so I was able to build up my bubble again. The notes kept looming in the back ground but I'd quickly shove them away knowing that I needed to tell my husband what I'd read but......me and Scarlett O'Hara.........we understand each other. Tomorrow is a better day.....

Tomorrow came and I relayed the notes to Brian. Not really new to us but still a slap in the face when you see it in black and white. Levi is six years old. Right now life is pretty good. He seems to be able to handle things pretty darn well. He hasn't had an "attack" for a year now........we're gonna beat this right? Read the fine print........around the age of 8 or 9 is when the epilepsy starts with most of these kids...........

Well......ya.........Levi has seizures now.........but they're at night while he is sleeping.......and he is doing so well.........hurry! Build up that bubble!

The next "pop". From my husband. Not the first time he's told me this but it makes my heart slam into my chest real hard this time.

Brian: I keep getting this strong feeling and impression that we need to video tape Levi when he is doing "normal" activities. Riding his bike, playing, talking, etc. I don't know why but the feeling is really strong. Maybe it is so that when he does have episodes the doctor's can see what he is like normally.

Rachel: (heart slams into chest thinking to herself: It better not be for us as a remembrance of how Levi "used" to be.....or how he was when he was alive........)

Must build that bubble and walls again real quick because I so do not want to go through the grieving process again....I'm too tired.......besides.........look at him! He looks too good! Denial. Denial. Denial! Must........keep...........working.......denial.........muscles.......