Driver's License Renewal 101

Step one: Go in the afternoon when all of the goobers are out on probation trying to renew their licenses.

Step two: Bring your baby with that wants to know what that weird paint is on that guys legs and asks really loud "cuz it's messy"! (Tattoo)

Step three: After filling out all of the paper work make sure you get in the line with the guy who wants to tell you all about his wife telling him it was him or the cows and since all of his cows were dying he decided to get rid of them. This way you can be sure that several people who came in behind you will move forward in their lines while you are "stuck" listening to "The Tale of Two Biddies".

Step four: When your turn finally comes and your number is called make sure that your baby is sufficiently filled before hand with loads of water so that at that precise time he wails that he needs to go potty grabbing himself and crossing his legs making it impossible to ignore him. Telling him to "hold it" only results in him wailing, "I am howding IT".

Step five: After taking your baby potty get back in line and finally make it up to the nice lady who takes your money and then tells you to stick your forehead against the bar and read the first line of letters to you. Make sure while you are doing this that you baby bounces against your leg thus making you unsure if you are reading line one, two, three....

Step six: When you are finally able to get your photo taken make sure the town drunk is standing in line next to you.

Step seven: As you are sitting waiting to see your photo on the screen make sure and listen to the town drunk as he tells you exactly how to take a licence photo. (Slurring is a must) "You take your hair and mess it all up and then get a drunk look on your face. That way when the police pull you over for drunk driving they'll think that is what you always look like".

Step eight: Never pick the first photo. Ask to have your photo retaken so that the town drunk who is still giving you advice can look at your photo and declare that it looks just like the first and it looks great! To which you inform him that that is the first photo and if he weren't so snockered he'd be able to tell the difference. You then ask the lady behind the counter to take another dang picture and work some magic for crying out loud!

Step nine: After you give up and declare the camera broken because every photo of you is crappy, pick up your purse and baby and try to get out of the DMV but not before the guy behind the counter who told you about his cows he don't got no more makes some joke about you that the whole DMV gets but you don't.

Step ten: Once you have escaped the DMV building, climb into your car, drive very carefully because by now you are steaming at the whole experience and now understand why you are surrounded by so many freaky drivers and head straight to your local bakery and buy the biggest donut you can find that is smothered in chocolate. Inhale donut and then buy another for the road plus a dozen more because this is a blessed day. It is your husband's birthday and that is the best you can do cuz you've just spent hours with folks who control who drives on the freeway with you and if you thought you were scared before.....now you are very scared. Very very scared!