When The SM and I got married I knew I wanted a whole clan of gremlins. The SM thought two......possibly three would be nice. I wanted ten! You may all discuss the insanity of my desires behind my back. I'm okay with that because we all know it takes a little bit of insanity (or a lot in my case) to make it through the day with kids and those who think they are sane are only kidding themselves.
I interrupt this program with a funny that just happened:
Mr. J, my baby just came down the stairs in his fuzzy jammies, sleepy eyed, and with a gravely voice said, "What did my friends just have fur bweakfast?" (His siblings)
See? Ten of these. I wanted ten of these.
Change is in the air. A big change. A change that shouldn't be as big as it is but it makes it solid, final, no going back. Because of the WNV I've not been able to have anymore Native's and I realize that Levi counts as like two or three.....but still, I am one of the odd ducks that had huge dreams in life. I wanted to be a mother! Call me old fashioned. The greatest calling a woman could ever have. Done. No more little Native's running around.
So, as I contemplate what is going to take place in a few weeks, I am trying to make that which is bitter, something else being taken away, and turn it around and make it sweet. That which carried each of The Native's inside of me for nine months and did such a great job will be surgically removed.
I really can't be bitter. How selfish and ungrateful if I were. There are so many women in this world who ache to have and hold a little one in their arms. I was blessed with several. No, not a time to mourn another thing I am losing. A time for joy that I was able to have so many before the WNV! And the knowledge that this is temporary. Eternity is a long time to have and hold little ones.
I'm so glad to hear that you are looking at the positive! I hope the procedure goes smoothly.
ReplyDeleteThere is too much to say in a comment here but I can, in a roundabout way, relate to what you are feeling. And BTW, I LOVE the pictures of your cute little natives.
ReplyDeleteFunny. I never had a problem with this. Lynn's mother said, " . . . and if these breasts ever give me a problem, they're OUT OF HERE, too!!." Parting with things like this, or the strange changes I'm suddenly making in my own life - it seems like they should be terribly significant and moving. And on some subliminal level, I think they are. But the rest of me breezes through these things. I don't know why.
ReplyDeleteI find myself, then, amazed that after all these beautiful experiences you have had, you feel that you are losing something significant. Here, I think, is what I have to say to you about this, what you are missing: you are at that crossroads, that early parenting time is almost over. But you have another time coming - when Brennan brings you his first little child, that child will be yours all over again in ways you never had the leisure to enjoy in this last decade and a half. There are good things coming, delightful things.
It wasn't until I was released from the primary presidency that I realized how sweet NOT being in it made Sunday mornings - how I could let go of so many worries, but still keep all the friendships and loves I'd had.
And here's another thing, my little Hopkins' Margaret (allusion to Hopkins' Spring and Fall) - even if the plumbing stayed intact, it wouldn't change what you are really grieving over. They are growing up. And soon, they will each have started building individual lives. All that lying on the floor together? Drink it in with your eyes. Those conversations you overhear between children - listen hard and write it down, quickly. Because for no woman do these things remain. In this sphere, things begin to change with almost horrifying (and exciting) rapidity from here on out. And even if you could have another child - that child would come after the herd had joyfully run off, each in his own direction. It wouldn't be the same.
ReplyDeleteAs I say, realize that other good things are coming. If we can't imagine that and be excited about it, aging would be absolutely unbearable, and life on this planet too poignant and painful to survive.
We live well in the time we have now so that in the time that is coming, it will be even better - if different. Sunsets never freeze in place. If you could freeze them - which second would you choose? Because if you stop too early, think what you might miss.
Rachael--first, I love these precious photos. That HAIR! Oh, my goodness. What I would give.
ReplyDeleteThat said, you know my heart, and its longings. I went to school got my English degree, my minor in Writing, my teaching certificate...and all I honestly wanted to do is stay home and wife and mother.
You are so blessed to have the houseful that you do...a part of me is envious. The other part of me knows so well that sometimes that longing just doesn't completely go away, does it? Not when this is what you were created for, and born to do, it seems.
K's comments were wonderful, and so full of wisdom and truth. I'm so proud of you for looking at this as it needs to be viewed--just another changing season, one which you will handle with your customary grace and humor.
Lori, I'd forgotten until I pulled up those photos just how Miss K's hair used to look. I wish she'd let me cut it short again for that reason. Her long locks are pretty too....but I do like her short curly hair.
ReplyDeleteI am very blessed to have the houseful that I have. As I go through this process that is what I keep trying to focus on.
That part of my life is coming/has come to a close and onto the next chapter as Kristen says and I think it is going to be a good chapter. I've loved all of the chapters thus far....I'm ready to embrace what comes next.
And quite frankly, not having to deal with a whole lot of pain that keeps getting worse each month..... makes all of this easier. ;)
Jody, You're right. Faith is bigger than courage. I'm glad my faith is strong because it does give me the courage to face what is behind that door.
ReplyDeleteI've been very blessed in my life. Knowing what you have struggled with makes my complaining very stupid and shallow. I admire your strength and faith. You're an amazing woman!!
You don't know me. Kathy VanWagoner is our common friend and chronic illness is my connection with you. Been there, done that! I've been ill for about 8 years now, had a hysterectomy three years ago. Here's where I found peace - this organ has filled the measure of it's creation and it is now in the best interest of my health to have it removed. I love your blog! Feel free to email me if you'd like...my bog is currently kaput!
ReplyDeleteDenise
mamaferrin@gmail.com
Hi Denise! I'm glad you stopped by. Kathy e-mailed me about you. :) I told her she'll have to introduce us.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you've been struggling for 8 years now. It's tough isn't it? I find that when I read about others and their struggles and how positive they are in their trials it helps me. Lifts me up and helps me continue on another day with a smile on my face.
There really is so much to smile about. Even on the days/weeks when I wallow in self pitty I find I can't stay there long. I am too blessed.
I look forward to meeting you! Possibly today after Stake Conf.! :D We're always up in the balcony. The Native's like it up there. :)
Love you Rachel. That's really all I can say to this. I just love you, and I understand a small bit of what you're talking about.
ReplyDeleteGinna, I love you too. Yes, you do understand.
ReplyDeleteI linked over here via a comment you left on Four Perspectives--I've done it once or twice before, but just read and tried to "get to know you" a little bit.
ReplyDeleteThis post is particularly tender. All I ever wanted in life was to be a mother. Then I experienced unexplained infertility early in my marriage. That changed to unexplained fertility; now I am the mother of half a dozen beautiful little girls. My hands and heart are full, and though I'm not too old to bear a child again, I'm getting up there. My most recent pregnancy and birth took a lot out of me. And my husband would be just fine if we were done. But the hunger is ever-present. The desire to be able to create and enjoy and love and . . . oh! that eternal potential!
I'm just not ready for the birthing and babies phase of my life to be over! So I say with my brain "You're blessed more than many--don't complain." And my heart whispers, "Maybe there will be another one anyway--there's still a chance."
So I understand how your heart must feel as you face the loss of the what-ifs.
How I hope Heavenly Father speaks peace to your heart and you are able to immerse yourself in the love of the angels he has blessed you with.
Anaise, Wow! I'm so pleased that you'd take the time to come over this way and comment. I just went over and looked at your blog and my goodness! What a bunch of darling girls!!!
ReplyDeleteMy sister had the same struggles as you. For several years it was heart breaking as she and her husband tried to have children and were not able to and here I was popping them out like popcorn! Then one day.......who knows what happened, a switch was turned on and wowza! She's a pack of gremlins too.
Heavenly Father really does move in mysterious ways and I am grateful to say I am at peace with what is going to take place. Peace is a good place to be. :)
Thanks again for sharing your heart!
I found your blog from Four Perspectives and wanted to comment.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post.
Even though I'm not married and don't have children, I can in some way understand what you are going through (but opposite) in my desire for children. You're right, eternity is a long time to have and hold little ones. Thank
you.
Natasha from Today's Gift: http://days-of-natasha.blogspot.com/
Natasha, I'm so glad you came over and commented!! I pray that the things you desire are not long awaited for. There are many things in this life that I do not understand. But, that is the point of our learning and growth. I just wish sometimes I could have a look at the cheat sheet. :) So I can prepare for the unexpected. :D
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