Making memories one day at a time.......and then I write about it.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Camera Hijacking

Ever wonder what your punks do with your camera when you are not looking? I went to download photos I'd taken of a scout banquet we'd gone and participated in on Saturday and what to my wondering eyes doth appear....

Proof! I did give birth to a gremlin!

This is what happens when The Native's are sitting in the truck waiting for their parents...

Who done it? When The Native's are little they think I have magical sleuth powers when I know they've written with black marker/crayon/etc. on the wall. How do you know it was me they ask with wide eyed innocence? Their name smeared all over might have been my first clue........

The culprit........ BUSTED!

Friday, February 25, 2011

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like........... that 'C' word.

I have been craving spring for quite some time. I don't mind winter if it is covered with snow but a grey, brown, cold winter........ not so much. For several weeks it has been just that. Grey, brown, and cold. Very cold. Every once in awhile there will be a few days of sunshine and warmer temperatures. Teasers. Then we plummet back down in temperatures. Makes a body yearn for spring.

This morning I awoke to this. Can I tell you something? Don't laugh okay?

I wanted to run downstairs, put up a Christmas tree, and throw presents under it! Better yet, I wanted to run downstairs and see a Christmas tree up with presents already wrapped and under it. Like when I was a kid.

The snow makes me happy. I want to put on my Bogs and run outside in the snow in my jammies and build a snowman. I almost did too! Except the couch is so selfish and before I could roll the first ball of snow it yanked me right back and so here I sit.

But! Not before getting a few snap shots of these. I had to redeem myself after how many posts about me ripping out knitted projects? I can finish something. A pair of socks and a stripey baby hat from left over yarn from other projects which I did, in fact, finish, and not rip out.

When I first started knitting, the people at the yarn shop told me I would love knit socks. I pffft them. When I can go and buy perfectly yummy socks from the store for way less money and time, why in the world would I knit socks? They told me that once I wore hand knit socks, I wouldn't go back to store bought. Well! I'd show them! I knit a pair, I wore them, and then I knit another pair......... I am so not used to being wrong! Hee

I've knit several pairs now.......

Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Photog Does His Thing

Setting the Stage:  Me.  After the recital, running frantically to the back of the auditorium asking the guru of photog to help me set the settings on my camera so I can get the proper lighting.

Perk:  Mr. Backroads Photography grabs his camera and goes to work. 

Small Print:  These photos are brought to you by "Backroads Photography" so please do not copy them unless you have permission.  Thank you for being considerate and not copyrighting.

The Amazing piano teacher, Mr. Mike Carson, with his amazing piano students, The Native's.

Best best friends forever.

Mr. Mike Carson and Mr. M

The Amazing 5 Native's and their Amazing Piano Teacher, Mike Carson.

Mr. Backroads Photography...... himself....... and Mr. M who worships Mr. Backroads.  And yeah.  We pretty much like him too.  Enough to adopt him as The Native's uncle.  Family.  It's what it is about.

Thanks Uncle Rush for taking these photos of The Native's and their piano teacher.  And thank you for coming and supporting The Native's like a good uncle.  :D

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

The Recital

Miss K and Miss J playing a duet

Miss K

Mr. M

Mr. T

Mr. C Aka: Scarf Kid

Mr. B

It was a great evening.  The Native's, if you ask them, think they stunk.  A few big oopses in some of their pieces.  They've not made such noticeable mistakes before so they think they did a bum job but if you ask me, The SM,  and their teacher........ we think they did pretty darn good.  Especially since one of The Native's was quite sick and at one point, couldn't even see what he was doing because his eyes were watering so bad and another Native had hurt one of his fingers rock climbing this past week. 

Actually, two boasted that they didn't make ANY mistakes.  Okay, admitting maybe one here and there...  when their older siblings pounced on them. 

End result:  They all got donuts on the way home.  They went to bed happy.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Recital and Louis

It's tonight!  For those who can come, it is at 6:30 P.M. at the Piano Gallery up in Orem on State Street.   Across from the Scerra theater. 

What do you do for fun, was a question I was asked all of the time growing up when people would find out we didn't have a television.  WHAT?  NO TV?  What ever do you do for fun? 

Well, at first we would sit around and stare at each other all day. Got very boring. That was during pre-hysterical times. It was a fine day when the snarfblatt was invented. We made very fine music.

The Native's will show you how to make fine music tonight.

Books. Lots and lots of books. We would escape into all sorts of worlds and after I'd read all of my favorites a gazillion times I would venture and try a book that judging by the cover didn't look like it was my type but, I was bored and wanted something new.

Louis L'Amour. We had a bunch of his books. I remember them all lined up on the shelf. Little paper back books with a little rooster on the bottom of the back spine. What publishing house is that...... I don't know. I just remember the little rooster.

I chose one one day having doubts that I would care what was between the pages. I tried another, and another, and another. I read them all. I was hooked. Who'd have thought, a teenage girl would dive into the world of Louis L'Amour? The John Wayne of paperback novels.

This weekend I went to my bookshelves looking for a book to read.   I've read them all. I wanted something new. Didn't feel like going to the library. I ran my hands over the spines of my books looking. My fingers came to rest on the spine of a book I've not read in several years. An old friend. Good ol' Louis.

"The Lonesome God's". If you've not read it before..... may I make a suggestion? Do it. Invite in my good old friend Louis and sit and let him take you on an adventure for awhile. It's a good one and I don't think you'll regret it.

Just like you won't regret coming tonight to see The Native's play the snarfblatt.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Angels at Cost-Co

I wasn't going to post about this because it is personal but the more I thought about it, the more I thought I'd share because of the lessons learned.

Yesterday started out typical.  I started to make a cake.  As the cake was cooling and getting ready to be frosted I went upstairs by myself and walked down memory lane.  The three days I had had with my daughter, the few letters that were written back and forth to her adopted parents before things were closed at six months, the few photos I have of her when she was three months old and then six months old. 

Normally walking down memory lane is sweet but for some reason, this time, it left me with a heavy heart and I cried.  Several times.  I couldn't quit!  Honestly woman!  Get a grip I thought...

I had been at Cost-Co the day before and had seen some roses that were just lovely so decided to get out of the house and go and get those.  As I drove, I continued to cry.  I was a mess!

Taking a deep breath and making sure I didn't look like a bawl baby I got out of the car and went into the store.  Cost-Co on Saturdays.  It's a mess.  I headed straight for the flowers and found the roses I wanted.  I picked them up and then noticed some other flowers. 

Bright happy yellow ones with a big huge blue hydrangea in the middle.  My baby is my bluebird!  I had to get those flowers too.  An emotional buy obviously but I knew The SM wouldn't mind and by the way, as a side note, he was going to get me flowers, I just beat him to it....... should anyone be wondering....... 

I took both bouquets of flowers to the registers to pay and tried finding a line that didn't wrap clear to the back of the store.  Exaggerating.  Sort of.  I found a line and a husband and wife moved in front of me.  Not on purpose, it just happened that way, their cart loaded.  We all stood there for a minute waiting our turn and then the wife turned and looked at me cradling the flowers in my arms like an infant.  She asked me if I was only buying flowers.  I told her that yes, I was.  She insisted I go ahead of her.  I told her that was okay but she insisted.  I thanked her and smiled at her as I moved in front of them in line.  My heart started to lift.  As I stood in line, I quietly in my mind, said a prayer to my Heavenly Father thanking him for such kindness shown to me.

After paying for my flowers, I again turned to the lady and thanked her for letting me go ahead. 

As I slowly walked to the exit along with the mass of people, a grandfatherly figure who worked at Cost-Co came up to me and said, Those flowers are pretty.  Almost as pretty as you are.   I laughed and thanked him. 

And then I said another prayer thanking my Heavenly Father because I my heart was even lighter and as I walked out of the store, my heart was singing, "There is Sunshine in My Soul Today".  I felt true happiness. I was smiling.

I again said a prayer, thanking my Heavenly Father for sending angels to let me know that He knew, and He cared.

With a happy heart I put the flowers in my car and headed to the party store.  We were having a party were we not?  What better way to celebrate than with balloons.  Lots of balloons. 

Mizpah. "God watch between me and thee while we are apart one from another". ( My sister painted this for me. )

Nineteen blue balloons for my little bluebird.

A heart felt gift from Kristen.

You never know when a kind word or action to a complete stranger may be in fact, an act from God.  I hope I continue to remember this lesson I learned from these two angels who touched my life yesterday in a way they will never know.  God bless them.

Saturday, February 19, 2011


Remember this post ? The post where I told you about my daughter I'd placed for adoption.  Well guess what?

Today is the 19th of February! 

Today is her 19th birthday!  How cool is that?  I think it is pretty cool.

The cake is out of the oven cooling waiting for mounds of frosting.  It is a great day!  Happy birthday Miss A.  where ever you are, may you feel the love of your birth mom on your happy day!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Caboose. After A Long Train of Thought.

Photo Credit

When I was growing up, trains fascinated me. As we would drive along out in the boonies, the railroad tracks would follow the highway and I loved it when we would either pass a train going in the opposite direction or we would catch up to and slowly pass a train heading in the same direction we were. My favorite part of the train was the caboose. I would start counting the cars after the engines and couldn't wait until I reached the caboose. When I'd get to the caboose, I'd look for the engineer sitting there in the back and I would vigorously wave trying to catch his attention. Most times, I did, and he would give me a smile and wave back.

Gone are the days of the caboose. I'm not sure The Native's even know what one is!

I've been asked many times if Mr. J, my baby is a caboose. Meaning, an oops, or after thought. I've never thought of a caboose on a train as an oops or an after thought and neither is Mr. J.

Sure I didn't feel the pressing need to have another one right after Levi like I'd had with the others. I'd have a baby and about a month after I'd feel the next one over my shoulder asking me when it was their turn. Good grief! Give me at least a year with this one. And so it went. Native after Native after Native. I had them fast and I wouldn't change a thing. I think. I don't know any different....

After Levi, I was exhausted. Emotionally and physically. Levi was different. He cried non stop. I lived for his naps and bedtime. It was the only time I could take my brain and let it rest for a few minutes. My ears that were always listening to his every sound and movement were still tuned in, but mentally I could take a break. A short break. Sometimes, I would have to put Levi in his crib, close his door, walk downstairs, out the front door, close the door, and sit for a few minutes on the front porch. Not because I was angry or frustrated or felt like I would shake him or harm him,  I just needed a few minutes to myself when I could shut down.  I'd sit for about five minutes and then I'd go and get the screaming crying Levi out of his crib and continue to hold him.

Levi smiling up at his daddy, The SM.

I've always worn my babies. In a sling or a pack. They've always been next to my heart. Never like this though. Levi literally lived on me. If he wasn't right next to me, his face pressed against my skin on my neck, he screamed and cried. At night, he slept next to me. His little body pressed against mine. It took Levi until he was about three before he could sleep by himself in his crib.

I remember the day when I first started to think about Mr. J.   I was folding laundry. I was weary. I was tired. I felt we needed to have another one. For the first time in my life, I wasn't all giddy excited about having another baby. I knew that with how much Levi relied on me for his every need, it would not be good for him to be the baby of our family.  I know this doesn't make any sense.  I wanted Levi to be as independent as he could possibly be and if I always babied him, that would get in his way. 

I spent many months on my knees pleading with my Heavenly Father that I could do this. That somehow this new baby would be a help to Levi. I was so sick (always was with each pregnancy) and taking care of Levi on top... I wondered how in the world I would manage a newborn and Levi.

I continued to pray in my heart. Please let this baby be a help to Levi. I don't know how, or in what form, please let him be a comfort and help to Levi.

The day came (night actually) when Mr. J entered this world and immediately went into the Newborn Intensive Care Unit with a ruptured lung.  I lay in the delivery room for over an hour wondering if my baby was alive. I was moved to my recovery room. Still no answers. The SM had gone immediately with Mr. J. and hadn't returned so he couldn't tell me.

I had a tough week. When I was finally able to hold Mr. J, he wouldn't nurse. Emotions high and feeling frustrated, I would return to my room in tears. I couldn't bond. I had built up a wall. I didn't want to hold Mr. J. I didn't want to keep trying to get Mr. J to nurse. I wanted to curl up in a ball in my bed in my recovery room. I'd already gone through a death with Levi. I didn't want to go through another.

Mr. J was able to come home with me after a few days. Looking back on his first year, I don't know how we survived. He was colicky. He was fussy. He cried non stop. He was a terrible nurser. I didn't want to nurse him but forced myself because it was the only time I was able to sit down and hold him. He teethed early.  He constantly bit me.  I hated nursing.  I had in a sense, twins. One in a big body and one in a tiny body. Both who cried non stop unless I was holding them.  When I was nursing, that was the only one on one time I had with Mr. J.  So I kept gritting my teeth and continued.

Oh! And did I mention, I was homeschooling all of The Native's during all of this as well. Had been for years. I was also the Scout Committee Chairperson for our local boy scout troop. Committee. I laugh. There was no committee. I was the committee. I begged for three years for committee members to help.

I guess it is no wonder that my body became so worn down that West Nile was able to wreak such havoc on me. 

As the 'twins' grew older, I knew the day would come when Mr. J would pass up Levi. I wasn't prepared for it. I thought I was. I wasn't. I sat on the family room floor with baby toys surrounding me and my heart cried big gulping sobs. Mr. J could put together the puzzles, he could play with the toys without my help. Levi couldn't. I picked up each toy and put it back in the toy box mourning something that should have been joyous. I should have been celebrating these milestones in Mr. J's life. Instead, I saw them as yet one more thing Levi couldn't do.

This wasn't what I had imagined or had in mind for my baby. I felt like a horrible mother who couldn't give her new baby/toddler what he needed. What had I done?

Years have past. Five and a half years since our little caboose arrived. I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for the wisdom He has shown when I couldn't/can't see far enough into the future. He sent The SM and I such joy wrapped up in a little tiny can't seem to even make it on the growth charts body that houses a powerful and ginormous spirit.

I suppose it is no wonder that I don't mean to but apparently am trying to make up for those lost years when he was a tiny baby and I couldn't baby him as I baby him now. "I will never baby my youngest" are words I do NOT regret having to take back. I continue to baby my baby even though he is almost six now. I figure life will yank the rug out from under neath him soon enough. For now, I still carry him around and hold him when I can. He's my baby and I do not regret the hard years we went through getting to where we are now.

Levi and Mr. J are the best of friends. They spend pretty close to every waking hour when not at school together. They take care of each other and love each other in a brotherly way that is priceless.

I don't know what the future holds. I can't see that far, but I do know, that like when I was a kid and would watch and look for the caboose, and when I saw it, would wave frantically, I do the same with my caboose.

Not an oops. Not an after thought.... Very much a vital and important part of this train called The Rubow Family.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011



If you are of the feint of heart, get squeamish when you see photos of ripping and tearing apart, you best not proceed.  Don't say I didn't warn you.........  It's like a bad car accident.  You try not to look but.......  you're gonna look aren't you?

For Christmas, The SM bought me some beautiful alpaca yarn. My favorite. I had found a pattern online (it was FREE) that I really liked and decided to use my new yarn. The pattern is for a sweater..... I know! I can hear you all groaning. I should know better! I KNOW! Awright all ready!

As you can see, there is much detail in this sweater. I worked hard on it for a month. Knitting here and there on it when I could. It takes tons of concentration and remember this post? Yeah. This has been a hard project for me.

Knitting merrily along I consult the photo that comes with the pattern so I can see the finished project because something just doesn't seem right and the more I knit....... the more my sweater front doesn't look like the sweater front in the photo.

There's a reason.

The very front of the sweater where the buttons go, I've got major stitches backwards! The whole section! If it were the back I'd say to heck with it but it is the very front which it would be as if I'd spilt ketchup down the front of me and pretended it is supposed to be there!

The back of the sweater.... the back wouldn't care if it was backwards.... it's, the BACK!

So, I do what I seem to do best when knitting sweaters...... I rip it all out.

And I am right back where I started from.

P.S. If any of my readers out there..... hello? You are out there aren't you? Hello? (Crickets chirping in the back ground....) Grumble. I'm talking to myself again! I was just going to tell them that I hope I haven't ruined any ones desire to learn how to knit. It's not that hard. Really! It's just me..... had they stuck around long enough for me to tell them that.......

Hello? (chirp chirp chirp......) Drat!

Friday, February 11, 2011

I Left My Brain in The Women's Room

There is a book out called, The Female Brain and another called, The Male Brain.  I've read, The Female Brain, well, parts of it anyway and find it to be quite facinating and a huge relief!  It totally makes sense!  All those times when you think you are completely nuts!  There's a reason for it and we aren't!   We're normal. 

I haven't read, The Male Brain.  I don't feel there is a need as I already know that men really and truly are nuts.  I don't need a book to tell me that.  I live with major amounts of burping farting chewing/talking with your mouth open full of food testosterone. 

What I would like, is to read a book called, The West Nile Brain.    I would like to know why some days/weeks my thoughts and mind is clear.  I can process things.  Then other weeks like this past week.....  My stupid day post which turned into a stupid week....  happens.

Let me give you an example.  Last night, I went to a meeting.  After I'd taken off my coat and sat down, it became quite obvious that sitting for an hour and a half wasn't an option with what my bladder was trying to tell me.  I got up, and walked down the hall of the building looking for the Ladies Room.  As I walked down the hall I was very aware that fuzzy was on the brain.  I was having a hard time pushing through the fuzz.  On my right I saw the above sign.  Logically I knew it was the Women's room and was the room I needed to enter.  I let my legs do what was natural all the while as my brain kept screeching that it wasn't sure.  I kept my eyes on the sign telling myself that it was the right room.  I was okay but it didn't process. 

I went into the Ladies room, did what I needed to, all the while fearing I would step out and see that I was actually in the wrong room.  I hoped that a woman would be in there so I could be reassured.  I was alone.  As I walked out of the restroom there were some men standing in the hall talking.  I once again glanced at the sign just to be sure.  I did go in the right place right?  These men weren't going to be laughing at me as I walked away because I'd gone in the Men's room!!!  Once again, I saw the above sign.  Yes, it was the Women's room.  I was okay.  But my brain still couldn't process it and I wasn't sure. 

Normally, if I'd been in my 'right mind' and had gone in the wrong restroom I'd have walked out, seen the men, laughed, and taken a bow, and shrugged it off as another "Rachel" moment. 

This isn't normal though.  It's scary.  It's irritating.  It's frustrating.  To be confused.  To know that things are not connecting, I can only imagine that those in the early stages of alzheimers or dimentia must feel this same thing! 

So, my stupid day post, when I couldn't connect and have a normal conversation........  if ever we have that sort of a conversation....... just know that I am trying to figure out if I am going in the men's room or the women's.  It's a difficult thing to figure out!!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

It Pays To Swagger.

Swag bucks.  I was introduced to them by my friends Natalie and Gerb.  They kept posting these updates on Facebook on how they were winning all of these Swag bucks.  What in the world are Swag bucks?? 

I'll tell you what they are.  They are quite simply a purchase for Levi's birthday from Amazon that originally was $40.00 dollars and is now $15.00 bucks thank you very much!!!

And I am just tickled pink about the whole situation.

Search & Win

I thought it was going to be complicated.  I'd have to sign my life away, give all sorts of information, work at getting the Swag bucks....  Not so!  You know your tool bar?  Your search engine that you look up things on?  Like, say I want to look up where I can find the best chocolate in the world.  I'd go to my google search window and type in:  Find me the best chocolate in the world and ship it to my front door now!  Well, here's the deal.  Click on the above banner and it will help you put the Swag bucks tool bar up (you can still keep your google one up).  When ever you search for something use the Swag bucks tool bar and about three times a day or so, you'll win Swag bucks!  Just for using their search engine.   When you earn so many bucks, you go to their store and redeem them which is what I did!  I redeemed my bucks for a $25.00 card at Amazon.   $40-$25=$15  BRILLIANT!  And I didn't even break a sweat...........

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


When your teenage son has a bad day, he finds this on the front door with a plate of brownies.  Friends.

When I have a bad day, I find this hidden in my kitchen cupboard.  Friends.

When Levi, the gum ninja has a bad day, he's given a ninja mask by another ninja.  Friends.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Really Stupid Like That!

Yesterday was one of those days when I should have just stayed on the couch.  A, "Honey, you just keep getting more and more stupid the more you open your mouth" kind of days.

Levi is in the local cub scouts.  Yeah.  Shocking, I know.  Another scout........  He had a field trip and since I am one of the assistant den leaders (and I use that term very very loosely... meaning, I don't do a darned thing and forget half the time to show up...) I was able to go on the field trip.  We went to the local fire department.  Exciting!!! 

Yes, I realize this is the back of an ambulance and not a fire engine but I wanted to show you the paramedic who thinks I'm an idiot okay?
So, one of the fire fighters is showing the boys the fire engine. Oooh awwww wooow!  He points to a compartment in the back of the truck and asks the boys what he thinks might be in there!  It's one of those roll up doors.  Another fireman was standing next to me and he looks at me and says

Fireman:  Bears or Wolves?

Me:  (Laughing) No kidding!  Or hamburgers and french fries!!  (Cuz ya know, it looks like those concession stand windows....... )

Fireman:  (Looking at me like I'm an idiot)  Bears or Wolves?  As in Cub Scouts.

Me:  (Turning red and laughing again)  Oh!  I thought you meant Bears as in the Chicago Bears and ya know buddy, they didn't make it to the Super Bowl this year.  (Me smacking his arm at my joke.  Wink. Wink).

Fireman:  (Looking at me like I'm an even bigger idiot and not cracking even the slightest smile.....)

Me:  Let's pretend this conversation didn't happen.  (I walk away quickly)

Another door is opened and the fireman speaking shows the boys their 'key' for opening any door.  This contraption that looks pretty much like an axe and crowbar thingy.  He told the boys they can open a door without too much damage with it.  (Does she learn?)  Of course not!  Turning yet again.... to the paramedic who already thinks my IQ is less than his shoe size I said:

Me:  You mean it's not like in the movies??

Fireman:  Actually, that really hurts your foot.

Me: (Thinking you had to somehow kick that contraption with your foot?  Huh?)  It does?

Fireman:  Yeah.  You can break down some doors that way but there are a lot that you can't.

Me:  Oh really?  I bet not!  (Slowly dawning on me that you don't kick the contraption..... he means kicking down a door like in the movies.......duh..... like I'd referred to.. as in the movies........)  (I once again walk away wincing.)
So, the tour continues and I ask the fireman who is showing the boys around if they have any photos of a fireman in full gear because in a real fire, it is really scary, and then to have this hulking figure come out of the smoke at a child can be terrifying.  The fireman/paramedic that I'd talked to earlier went and got geared up.  After photos were taken of the boys and the fireman I went over and talked to him again.  (Am I really this stupid????)  What can I say.  His pack reminded me of my scuba diving BCD! 

Me:  That looks a lot like a BCD!

Fireman:  This isn't a flotation device.

Me:  (Well duh!!!  Gosh, he thinks I really am that stupid........)  I know!  But it is so similar.  You have a regulator.  Do you have two?  One to share like on a BCD?

Fireman:  Yes, I have one and another back here. (He shows me the one attached to his pack behind him.  He pulls it out and shows me.  It confuses me because all I see is tubes.  Nothing to go over the mouth.)

Me:  How does that work?  Say you are rescuing me.  You have your regulator that you are breathing through.  How does that work for the other person?

Fireman:  This other regulator attaches to another fireman's mask.  To their regulator. 

Me:  So not me.

Fireman:  No.  You get nothing.

Me:  So if you are helping me out of a fire, you don't put anything on my face. 

Fireman:  You get nothing.

Me: (Walking away again feeling like an even bigger idiot...........)

Fast forward to me dropping off the other leaders and scouts off at home and Levi and I going to the grocery store.  We pull into the parking lot and it is raining.  Not only is it raining but it is raining sideways!

I have a brilliant idea!  I have an umbrella I keep in the truck.  A big red one!  Levi asks if he can have the umbrella.  I tell him no, that I'll hold it.  He gets out of the truck.  I open my door and then let go of it to open the umbrella.  The umbrella pops open just as the wind blows the truck door shut....... on the open umbrella.  I can't see out, I can't reach the door handle.  I've a big open umbrella stuck between me and the door and the seat and the steering wheel.  I'm stuck in my truck by a big old RED open flipping umbrella!!  And Levi is standing out in the rain waiting for me to get out....... 

This day just keeps getting better...........  Thank goodness I didn't have to call the paramedics to come and help me get out of my truck........  I'm sure Mr. "Hey!  It's the idiot lady again" would have really loved that.....  I can break my own umbrella to get to the door handle all by myself!  Thank you very much!