I am not sure if this is a "venting" post or a "let me give you a perspective" post. I'll let you decide.
Three years no matter how you slice or dice it is a long time. A very long time to be sick. I was thinking about where I was at this time last year and remembered this post.
Last year looking forward I never thought I'd be pretty much where I was last year.....or the year before. Holding down the couch.
I've had several people tell me, "Gee, I wish someone would put me to bed". Or my absolute favorite of all times......."Gee, I wish I had all the time in the world to (knit, read, or pick my teeth....fill in the blank).
Last week was a tough week. I spent pretty much most of it other than Monday which was a terrific day in bed or on the couch. A few days into my vacation and relaxation one of the older natives told me, "Mom, there is broken glass all over outside". I got up and investigated. Sure enough, the two babies had taken several of my canning jars and had thrown them against my flower beds shattering them all over the beds, in the beds, and in the grass where they run with their tiny bare feet.
I tried to pick up the biggest pieces and had the oldest native get out the shop vac. and do his best to clean it up. Note here: Teenager! Doesn't clean like mommy. You do the best you can do at the time and so I had to hope and pray that he was able to get all of the pieces of glass picked up and thrown into the trash. Visions and nightmares of slashed bare feet kept plaguing me.
Later that evening the natives again came to me and told me that there was more glass that the oldest native hadn't seen. When my SM came home I asked him to investigate but beings as he is playing the role of mother and father he had to make dinner, clean up after dinner, and then get all of the little ones to bed. Too dark to clean up the glass.
The next morning as I was again on the couch (and didn't realize the glass hadn't been cleaned up) the natives again came to me and told me about the glass. I got up and went to investigate.
There is a dead end side street next to our house that the natives play in. Especially the two babies who ride their bikes there all day long.....in their bare feet. I'm a lousy mother. I know this already so it is pointless to bring this to my attention.
In the side street was jar upon canning jar smashed into tiny shards of glass. The two babies had taken who knows how many of my canning jars and had enjoyed listening to that blessed sound of breaking glass. It really is a blessed sound. You should try it sometime when you are really mad. Does wonders.
Anyway, I sat there looking at that street in dismay. The oldest teenage native was gone all day to work and the job before me of cleaning up all of that glass was not something I'd trust to the next teenage son in line. I've proof by way of his bedroom. He doesn't know how to clean.
I can't tell you how long I sat there with the shop vac. vacuuming the street. (I can tell you, I payed for it later.) It was a long time in the heat and all I could think of was A) how grateful I was and knew that Heavenly Father was looking out for my babies cuz I sure wasn't. Their tiny little feet hadn't been slashed and B) to all of those that think sitting in bed all day seems so appealing....... how romantic does it look now?
This is what happens when one sits in bed or on the couch all day. Weeds take over your flower beds that you are too sick to even plant flowers in. Flowers that had brought you so much joy in the past.
The flowers that you did try to plant you are too tired to even water and nurture.
Most days I honestly try to see the blessings and goodness in them. But some days......it whoops me.....and life stinks.......
It's a darn good thing my life isn't as bad as Job's. It could always be worse......or so I keep telling myself each and everyday. At least my friends haven't turned on me right? RIGHT? Hello? Anybody there?
We're here. We read ya loud and clear, and love you all the more for it.
ReplyDeleteGood. You wrote it. It's hard, I think, for us as human beings to reach a true understanding of anybody else's situation. I had a roommate who got acute food poisoning the very night I had my first date with my now husband. I was flying, she was dying. I realized, talking to her, that I was actually in a completely different universe than she was - all my senses hightened and flying everywhere, while she was curled around herself in that state where even the air seems sickeningly warped and weird.
ReplyDeleteI had to stop and physically remember what that had felt like when it had happened to me. There wasn't a thing I could do - no help to offer. You can't DO anything except leave someone in silence, but be available. But my man was waiting in the driveway.
I think that's how we are - our lives are waiting in the driveway, and we all have our own set of urgencies and exhaustions. But our own so often feel organic - something we've grown into, the devil you know. While someone else's seem too different, too unmatching, and thus, too hard and frightening to get that close to.
taking on our own problems, and then feeling responsible for someone else's? More than some of us can bear. So the strategy is, too often, to minimize the other person's troubles, reduce them to "lying on the couch reading" as though it were nothing. Then we don't have to feel guilty that we weren't out there cleaning up the glass.
And sometimes, we see a "supposedly" "sick" person driving around and think - "how sick can she be?" not realizing that she, while she is nearly dead of exhaustion and mentally and physically spent - is still HAVING TO TAKE CARE OF HER FAMILY. Worrying about money. Worrying about the kids. Trying to discipline when she can hardly raise her head. Driving when she should not be because THERE IS NO OTHER CHOICE.
The day my first collie died, I thought he was just fine - I'd seen him running and playing with Cam, who he loved more than anybody. Three hours later, his body just quit - he went into seizures and died - the vets think he was major diabetic and we never knew it. That moment of joy had used up everything he had left. He had literally killed himself for the chance to play one more time with Cam.
We can make the same mistake, watching each other. What seems to be business as usual can be a wildly spent last reserve of strength.
I wish I'd known about the glass.
It's sometimes so hard when people try to be sympathetic. Some people know what to say, and some people just DON'T. To say they wished to be forced to lie down or whatever is just kind of an outrageous thing to say. They certainly wouldn't say it if it had ever happened to them before.
ReplyDeleteIt's crazy what terrible things kids can get into when backs are turned, even just for a bit. That's really a blessing that you caught the glass in time.
You're such a sweet mom!
Rachel...writing hard stuff is...hard. And I got to the end of it and thought, "She has only skimmed the very surface of what her life has been like these last 3 years. The surface. This is just a test run and there is much much more." And now I am thinking that it is important to share the real stuff and the fluffy stuff and the crappy stuff and the funny stuff. All of it. Because that is what life is and I only have my tiny experience in life, but if I read your stuff and you read mine, then we at least get something more and if we love...if we just love...then it is enough because the more I experience the more I understand that we don't share so that someone will clean up the glass. We share because we need love. We crave it. We need understanding and we need to know that our life isn't just ours. I love you Rachel. For the short time I have known you I have grown to love you and I am glad.
ReplyDeleteI left my comment to this post under your poopy post. How did I do that?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I love you! Please let me know when you need me! I do not want to see you vacuuming the street again!
On the bright side of things, the glass did make an amazing photo.
ReplyDeleteLuv ya.
The photo of the glass I didn't take. Normally I try to do the "don't get angry...get out your camera" but there are times when I'm just to tired to get angry let alone get out the camera. This was one of those times. ;D
ReplyDelete