Today has been one of those days that if Social Services knocked on my door I wouldn't be surprised! In fact, I've been waiting all day for......the knock.
It all started with breakfast. The breakfast of champions. Champion gaggers that is. Cream of Wheat. Yeah baby! Much better than oatmeal right? Yesterday it was oatmeal and my baby girl sat at the table for 2 hours!!! retching and gagging telling me how abusive I am ESPECIALLY since I wouldn't let her go to school until she'd finished! Wasn't that a crime? Capital punishment for keeping The Natives home from school over a bowl of oatmeal. Or cream of wheat.
The abuse wasn't necessarily in the cream of wheat or oatmeal. It was not letting The Natives fill their bowls to the brim with brown sugar and cinnamon sugar to mask what was underneath. Unrestrained, an entire 2 lb. bag of br. sugar gets dumped in one sitting.
The second crime was sending The Natives to school in their jammies. Again, the crime wasn't in the wearing of jammies to school since today was "pajama day" at the local elementary. No, the crime was in the fact that pajamas get handed down here on a regular basis and they look it! Nothing matches anymore because chances are the pajama pants and shirt that went together, one of the items had so many holes in it it was thrown away so the lone shirt or bottoms went with another top or bottom that....doesn't match.....or has only a few holes in them. Pajama day was not cutesy. More like totally embarrassed my classmates are going to see what my mom makes me sleep in! As in no cute little girl jammies........"I have to wear my brothers hand me downs!!!!!"
The third crime was when school got out. I'd really blown it now. There was NOTHING and I mean NOTHING in this dang house to eat! We're STARVING MOM!!! How come you didn't go to the store and get us something to eat??
My plea of wanting to spend just one day at home on my fanny doing absolutely nothing fell on deaf ears. But hey! Look on the bright side. There's some cold congealed cream of wheat still left in the pot I haven't washed yet! Happy Day! Or not.....
Fourth crime of the day. Levi was outside playing and came in asking me for the nozzle. Meaning, can I have the nozzle mom so I can play in the hose? We keep the nozzle under lock and key or else the hose would run non-stop. I told Levi that no, he couldn't have the nozzle. The water doesn't run in the winter. A few minutes later Levi comes to me in nothing but his swimming trunks. He wants to go swimming! I told Levi that he couldn't. It is winter. It is too cold! What? He says? And heads out the door. I let him. I ignored him. And The Natives said, Moooooooom! Levi is outside almost naked! I ignored them. And I waited for Social Services to come knocking. They'd say, Do you know that your almost 8 year old child is outside in freezing temperatures almost naked? And I'd have to tell them that actually he's more like three years old cuz he's mentally handicapped and then they'd throw me in the slammer for abusing a mentally handicapped child!
A few minutes later Levi came in shivering and asked me if it was winter out there. I knew he'd come in eventually.....much faster than if I forced him....That is if Social Services didn't get to me first.
The night is still young and as I continue to commit crimes against The Natives I'm waiting.....for the knock.....cuz I know it's coming.......
(Channeling a PW commenter) Ooooh lookee! I'm the first!!!
ReplyDeleteUmmm. Seriously now. Did we switch houses and I just somehow didn't notice the extra eight or so kids? This was funny.
I love cream of wheat, although I will admit that I love a heaping tablespoon of brown sugar mixed in. You gotta have the brown sugar, Rach.
If I actually made my kid late/miss school for failing to eat breakfast, I swear they'd fail to eat every stinking day. Just saying.
The jammies. Oh, the jammies. I think you're actually meaner that I am. I only make mine wear them until they come to their knees and/or are really, really tight and giggle inducing. "Oh, they're supposed to look like that, Lawson. Really, they are. They're shorts." *snort*
And starving your kids? Wasn't there a jar of peanut butter they could dip into? Come on kids. Be resourceful, already. Give your mom a break.
And as far as Levi is concerned, sometimes you just gotta learn the hard way. I'm with you, hon.
Know what is the funniest thing about this... we had Cream of Wheat for lunch...by choice. I love it. Richard not so much. He thinks I'm trying to starve him. Maybe they'll come for me for spouse abuse!
ReplyDeletePS- I can just see Levi and I'm giggling...
Rachel...I am speechless. However, in a good way. Laughter doesn't require speech.
ReplyDeleteJust send 'em to my house. That'll divert them.
ReplyDeleteI think the natives are all nuts. Cream of Wheat is wonderful. Especially if you eat it when it's still at least warm, which you won't if you are so busy bellyaching that you let the heat waft up into the stinking chill of the January morning. And my kids would have gone to school in nothing but underwear and G's huge old painting T-shirts, complete with sample colors.
And I think HF uses the same technique on us. As a matter of fact, I know he does - you say, "I wanna" enough times, and he says "Yes." And you come back in from the cold, saying, "Yeah, you were right."
Lori, Here's one for ya. It's gonna sound gross or weird but just try it. Take your cream of wheat, dump on your br. sugar, and then top it with evaperated milk. I know! Evaperated milk??? It's really good.
ReplyDeleteCream of wheat totally needs a whoppin amount of br. sugar on it. I do not deny that but when there is so much in the bowl it is a bowl of syrup with a smidgeon of cereal....we're talking a wheel barrow load of brown sugar here and I'm not even exagerating!!! :)
Some of The Natives would be happy to sit all day staring at their breakfast if it meant only missing school but if that happens.......wicked woman that I am....the consequences just start piling up and school begins to look like a walk in the park.
I'm laughing at your jammies comment. Oh yeah baby we've got those too. My baby girl has pajama pants that are now capris.
As for the food, I agree! What's wrong with sticking your fingers into peanut butter?
And Levi....well. It really was funny.
Natalie, I actually love cream of wheat as well.
I should have sent Levi down your way just so you could get a real good look.
Jody, Momma bear is right! "Eat your dang gum soup!! Don'cha know there are people in this world that are STARVING? STARVING I tell ya who would kill for your mush!" To which they reply......"get me a box.....I'll mail it to them....." Punks!
Uncle Rush, Your mouth wasn't full of cream of wheat was it? I'd hate to clean that off of your laptop.
Kristen, They are nuts. They have to be. I'm their mother for crying out loud!
I very much agree with your comment about HF. You hit it bang on.
That's so funny about them and breakfast! I love cream of wheat and oatmeal and always have. And when you add a whole 2 lb bag of brown sugar it just takes it all up to the next level of sublime.
ReplyDeleteSo just tell them they're wimps.
Now what I spend hours at the table over were brussel sprouts. Not for breakfast but for sunday dinner. EWWWWWWW. I'm scarred for life over it too.
Ginna, There are just certain things that were NOT meant to be food. Brussell sprouts being one of them. I'd make your mom pay for therapy if I were you. Life is hard enough without having to be scarred by brussell sprouts.....
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