Frankenstein......your bride is looking for you!!!

"Desperate times lead to desperate measures"....................what movie is that from????

If anyone doubts this ask a poor bloated pregnant mom as she gets closer to her due date what she has done lately trying to induce the onset of labor herself? Having had as many punks as I've had I can proudly tell you that I've tried them all.........and none of them worked.........

This is just a precursor of things to come. We as parents think we are in charge but it starts from the womb.......they come when they decide......they potty train when they decide.........etc. etc. etc. etc.

I have hit desperate times. It's name is ring worm. Is it a worm? No, it is a fungus. It is in the same family as Athlete's foot. Why pray tell me can't they call it Athlete's ring? It makes me feel like any second my skin is going to start rippling and as I stare in horror a slimy wiggly worm will ooze its way out of the center of the ring. Remember growing up and reading fairy tales? In them we'd read that if you came across a circle of mushrooms to kneel in the middle and it was magic? Well.......mushrooms are fungus right? I have rings of fungus on me.........I'm in the center of them..........I'm not feeling the magic...............

I have the plague! What in tarnation does a person do when they are hit with the plague? It isn't a small case either. Since my immune system is down.........sigh.........I am literally covered in the things and they are taking the "multiply and replenish" quite seriously.

I started to look on the internet for a cure. Suggestion: try anti fungus cream. Okay.....did it. Anything happening? Nope. Try anti fungus cream and cover it in a band aid. Well....if I had only one or two spots......and they weren't where you can see them.......but hey, they have this new liquid band aid stuff! Ya, I'll try that. Run to the store.......buy out all of their bandage supplies......come home and apply. The stuff stinks to high heck. Is it working? Nope! Okay, back to the internet....any more ideas? Maybe it was the liquid bandaids. Maybe if I try real bandaids. Cover every sore in a huge amount of cream and then apply a bandaid. Fourty -five bandaids later and me feeling like I've been attacked by killer bees I try to go to sleep for the night. Next morning.........anything? Nope. Feeling very depressed as the fungus creeps higher and higher and is now crawling (do worms crawl?) up my neck and onto my jaw. Gasoline! Why don't I just douse the suckers in gasoline and light them on fire? Desperate. I'm feeling desperate when gasoline sounds like my last and only hope. Back to the internet. Bleach. Cover them in bleach. Day one I'd have said, "you've got to be kidding me!" Day 7.......BRING ON THE BLEACH!

What is the difference between putting bleach on your skin and gasoline? NOTHING! They both stink and sting like nobodies business. I now stink and don't even get me started on the stinging.

Next day.....is it working? Hmmmm, maybe.....enough to make me do it again? You betcha. I think I see a tiny difference. Bring on the bleach baby! Just in case.......back to the internet. Sun tanning. Off to the tanning beds (yes, I disinfected so no one else will get it) I'm laying in the tanning beds thinking to myself.........ring worm............skin cancer............ring worm.........skin cancer..............

Brian mentions some machine that you can hook yourself up to that sends electrical pulses through you and kills all demons from hell. His brother has one.......swears by it..........Day 1 I look at him and say, "Are you kidding me? My eye is already twitching from all the stress I'm under.........you want my entire being to twitch?" Day 7, GET ME THAT MACHINE AND SET IT TO OPTIMUM LEVEL. I want the shock treatment Zeus himself. What? It takes how long to get one of those machines? No worries......a friend and neighbor has one. She hooks me up and starts to zapping. My thoughts..........my horses have an electrical fence. Why don't I just go and lay on it for awhile?

"Franky! I'm hoooooome!"

Behold and beware. The end is upon us! I have spent my life dancing, mincing, and tinkling.............now I stinketh...............

Signed,
The eleventh leper