Making memories one day at a time.......and then I write about it.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

I don't wanna cry........

but if people don't stop being so kind I'll be ending the drought here in UT real quick. I'm at a loss for words actually. Shocking I know.......

I do not know how to put my feelings into words. Might be that I've had two hard days down and can't think but I am going to try.

When I've had my babies I've had people bring in meals for a couple of days which is nice and really appreciated. Not that one should take things for granted but when you live around here it is kind of standard. You know it is going to take place and again, it shouldn't be taken for granted it just somehow happens every time and you never see the behind the scenes to make it so.

When I got West Nile two years ago the same thing happened. We're a tough independent family. Brian is a great cook and we're just a little bit proud I guess. Miraculously the meals started coming in. We told everyone that it wasn't necessary and to knock it off. We were fine. There were plenty of others that needed the meals more than we did.

At the beginning of this year the same thing happened. I got the flu and here come the meals again. This time I was a little less prideful as Brian was out of town. I realize I am stumbling all over myself here not making any sense. I am always grateful for the help and meals. Grief! Get out of cooking? You betcha but it is that pride thing! You see, when I sit in church and the sign up comes around for taking meals to those in need, I am the one who signs up. I take meals to others. I want to be the one who is out helping others. Being on the other side.......I don't do it so well. It all boils down to my pride. I am a prideful person. I am not afraid of hard work. I grew up working. Work brings me satisfaction and pleasure. I take care of my own. Help? That is for giving........not receiving right? I'm a strong independent person. If there is a problem I'll figure it out myself. I'm tough dang it!

Now this........ever since I got West Nile my immune system is shot to heck and I keep getting beat down more and more. Darn good thing I'm a tough old bird. I refuse to let this beat me though. I refuse to sit here in self pity and wallow. If you ask me how I am doing I'll answer you honestly. I am doing great.......because I am. It can always be worse. Except my pride......obviously I need some humbling and maybe this is why I am going through what I am going through.

My doorbell keeps ringing as friends and neighbors keep bringing over food and well wishes to our family. Offering not only food but if they can do anything for our family. Drive anyone anywhere, do we need odd jobs done around the house, is there anything they can get us, do I need my punks taken care of, do we need the horses fed.........

I have sat here knowing that okay, a list probably went around church asking for sign ups for meals even though we've told people they are not needed but I know for a fact that a lot of these folks are coming on their own out of the goodness of their hearts sincerely loving us and wanting to help our family. It is overwhelming. Times are hard. Food is expensive and yet they are so willing to share. Time is expensive!

How does one convey what is in my heart right now? A mixture of humility, my stubbornness and pride trying to shove its way past saying, "No, dang it! I need to get off this couch so I can help others. I'M the one who takes meals to others." Knowing that my summer is shot and that I'll spend it resting is one thing. I can handle that. I'm okay with that. I've accepted that. I don't know how to accept all of the people who are trying so hard to show their love by trying to help take care of us.

I'm overwhelmed by it all. I did not know how many people cared for our family. Me especially! I'm such a spaz! My punks and my man , oh yea! Who could not love them......

I'm confused. I don't like to show emotion so the fight continues inside of me between pride and humility.


Matthew came to me this morning and said, "mom, I've got a funny joke to tell you."

Matthew: Why did the chicken jump on top of a fast moving car?
Mom: Why?
Matthew: Cuz he wanted to catch a cold.........
Mom: Ha ha ha. That was funny Matthew. (Cuz mom's say that when their punks come to them with a joke they've made up and think is brilliant.)

Matthew: (Goes into the kitchen and tells his brother Colin) See? Mom thinks it is funny!

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